11/03/2025
How EMDR Strengthens Reflective Functioning and Deepens Connection
Reflective functioning is the ability to hold a curious, compassionate awareness of our own and others’ inner experiences, to mentalize, as attachment researchers Peter Fonagy and Mary Target described. It allows us to wonder about feelings and motives rather than react to them, to pause and reflect instead of assuming and defending.
When we are in a reflective state, we can see both our own mind and another’s mind at the same time. We notice what is happening inside us, the fear, the need, the protectiveness, and we also stay open to how someone else might be feeling. This capacity is at the heart of emotional regulation and secure relationships.
Trauma and the Loss of Reflection
Trauma can temporarily shut down our natural capacity to reflect. When our nervous system senses danger, the brain shifts from curiosity to protection. Thoughts and emotions can become rigid, and we begin to see the world through the lens of past pain: I’m unsafe. I’m not enough. I can’t trust anyone.
Instead of reflecting, we react. Instead of wondering, we assume. And even when the danger has passed, those old neural patterns may continue to shape how we see ourselves and others.
How EMDR Helps Restore Curiosity and Flexibility
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy helps the brain resume its natural integrative process. Through bilateral stimulation, the gentle back and forth rhythm that mirrors the brain’s natural processing in REM sleep, frozen memories begin to thaw. Emotions, sensations, and beliefs that were once stuck start to reorganize into adaptive understanding.
Often, clients describe spontaneous insights during EMDR: “I suddenly saw it differently,” or “I realized it wasn’t my fault.” These moments mark the reactivation of reflective functioning, the mind’s return to curiosity, compassion, and perspective.
Over time, EMDR does not just reduce distress from traumatic memories. It also strengthens everyday reflection, the ability to see oneself with gentleness, to pause before reacting, and to stay connected in relationships even during conflict.
Living Reflectively
A reflective stance changes how we parent, partner, and relate. We become less ruled by fear or shame, and more guided by understanding. We recognize missteps without collapsing into self criticism. We repair more easily, listen more deeply, and cultivate relationships that feel safe and alive.
Through EMDR and other attachment informed therapies, we rediscover what our nervous system always knew how to do, make sense of experience, integrate emotion, and stay connected to ourselves and others.
Reflective Healing in Practice
At Making Connections Therapy, I use EMDR and attachment based approaches to help clients rebuild this reflective capacity, to reconnect with curiosity, compassion, and trust after trauma. When reflection is restored, relationships deepen, and a gentler, more grounded sense of self emerges.