03/09/2026
You may not have noticed, but in September I stepped quietly away from my business.
I, who had a free energy healing circle every month since June of 2023, launched 2 group apprenticeships, worked with over 60 clients in 1:1 sessions in just a few years time, and had introduced hundreds of people to the concept of energy medicine….
I had finally reached the end of myself.
It came on the heels of a plant medicine experience that left me painfully aware and awake. Seeing things about myself and my life that were tucked quietly into the shadow of my psyche. I suspected these things were there. I knew that I had challenges waiting to be discovered. I felt it in my body, that I was not quite seeing it all the way accurately, but in spite of my commitment to healing myself I could not uncover them on my own. I could not even uncover them with the mirror of really good therapy.
They were shrouded in darkness of my psyche until the journey.
The psilocybin… a gift as painful as it felt, ripped the veil away. A veil I had subconsciously sewn and meticulously placed over the things I couldn’t notice, and all that was left to do was face them.
With trembling hands, tears that would not stop, a raging thirst to be free and clear of these things once and for all, I stepped into the chaos of rest.
You may think that is a contradiction. Rest should not be chaotic, but when you have built your entire adult life upon holding things together with nothing more than your two hands and your force of will, the moment you drop all those strings to the ground with a brutal uncontrollable apathy, chaos ensues. I was the chaos tamer in my family system. I could take large amounts of chaos and metabolize it into energetic order.
The price? My body, always tense, never able to release. My mind constantly planning, strategizing, keeping the momentum looping in the background like one of those 90’s screensavers, facing wave after wave of hopeless disappointment when the order lasted so short a time and I was on the hook for getting it all back together once again.
Mostly the cost was ignoring my spirit, that kept asking quietly when things would calm down.
Soon, I’d say. There’s a moment in the future. One day when it’s all built. One day when I successfully communicate my needs. One day when they catch the vision I’ll get to sit down and rest.
That day in September in the blessed haze of the mushrooms my spirit whispered back:
You’re too tired to continue, my love.
You’re right, I said.
You’ve become a shell of a person. A dry desert land, home to a great many things using your limited resources and not offering resources back. This is your doing.
It is, I said.
Are you ready to undo it?
I am scared, I said.
As you should be. These are not mere trifles you’re undoing. This is a great rewriting of your very essence, my love.
What will happen to me? I asked
You will lose, but it will be in the name of alignment. It will hurt, but in a way that leaves you healed, and whole. I ask again… Are you ready?
And with a cracked voice and shaking hands I said…. Yes.
In following days I limped my way through the rest of my commitments, then found the quiet of the integration season. I canceled my apprenticeship launch. I canceled my free circles. I closed the crystal store. I stopped marketing.
As I wrestled with the messages my Soul whispered, pulling them into my body, allowing them to become the real, the world crumbled around me.
My power got shut off due to non-payment. Birthday parties were haphazardly thrown together, not by me, but by my support system who was carrying my full weight. We ran out of basic necessities, like toilet paper and dog food. There was a lot of confusion, tears, fighting, and yelling, as I didn’t even have the energy to explain myself, and I was walking on people’s wounding.
Relationships that were dependent upon my capacity felt catastrophically strained without it. And the truth got more and more true.
I initiated a divorce.
I fell in love with a woman, who saw me during my great unraveling, and held me up with a care and precision I didn’t know existed.
The cracks of my life began glowing with awareness, the light shining through the broken spots. And I began a great mending, slowly tending to wounds that were inflicted on me by myself and others in my self-neglect.
This mending is not done. I am not sure how long it will take. I would not want to spoil the plot. But the mending is not all-consuming the way it was as 2025 came to a close.
I am ready to step back into this shared community space, with the idea that the mending actually makes me more qualified than less. To mend oneself is to be deeply in touch with the process of mending. I have more truth to share because of it. I have more help to offer because of it..
Divine timing is here, weaving this healing into my business and into our collective in vibrant ways that are so beyond my control that I feel fresh humility about it. We are a people that needs mending. We are a people that needs care.
Every day it seems to push beyond what we expected into a whole new level of brutality. Children are commodities, bargaining chips, fodder for the desires and whims of evil men and women. War is a flippant decision made without the built in checks and balances, that were only ever a facade to begin with. Schoolhouses full of daughters are incinerated without remorse. People with brown skin are stolen from their lives. Due process does not exist.
Evil shows itself again and again, and asks us if we will succumb to hopelessness.
But the light shines through the cracks here too. And we are faithful to the mending.
Introducing Haven Mending. A community space of collective grief and energy healing. We mend with one another and in so doing we beat back the urge to become hopeless and to succumb to the fate the evil created especially for the powerful.
If you too need space to mend, let’s mend together.
Click the link and reserve your spot. Share with your community and let’s come together in creation of a space to heal. This is your invitation.
Https://informalmystic.as.me/vigil
