Bustan Therapy, Los Angeles, CA (2026)

02/02/2026

Thoughts can easily consume our attention, particularly when they’re distressing. When this happens, we can fixate on a thought such that we’re unable to focus on anything else. This is called being fused with thoughts. Thought defusion techniques provide a way out of this trap. In acceptance and commitment therapy, cognitive defusion is a detached mindfulness technique in which people see their thoughts as just thoughts, or mental events, rather than considering them to have intrinsic meaning. This technique is used to help shift perspective, to see our self as bigger than our thoughts, able to hold diverse and even distressing thoughts like “I am a failure” or “I am a bad person,” without having to believe or act in accordance with these thoughts.

So how do we engage in cognitive defusion? We can defuse from our thoughts, create some space between ourselves and our thoughts, by doing the following:

1. Label the Thought: When a thought arises, mentally label it (e.g., “There’s the worry thought”) rather than reacting to it.

2. Visualize Distancing: Imagine your thoughts as cars driving by, trains passing at a station, or leaves floating on a stream to visualize them moving away from you.

3. Use “I Notice”: Use the phrase, “I notice I am having the thought that [X]” to create a mental gap between your sense of self and the thought itself.

4. Grounding: Use your five senses to bring you back to the present moment. Focus on the feeling of feet on the floor, breathing, sounds around you, or holding a cold object to anchor yourself.

5. Journaling: Cognitive defusion journaling involves writing down distressing thoughts to create distance between yourself and your mind’s narratives, reducing their emotional impact. By observing, labeling, and rephrasing thoughts—such as shifting from “I am a failure” to “I am having the thought that I am a failure”—you learn to detach from, rather than struggle with, negative thinking.

6. Change Perspective: Imagine how you will look back on the current thought in 10 or 20 years to reduce its current intensity.

02/01/2026

Setting boundaries can be life-changing, and the emotional upheaval that often accompanies them isn’t for the fainthearted. Below is a look at what actually happens when you start saying no, including the predictable discomfort and relationship shifts.

The Good (Benefits & Empowerment):
* Reduced Resentment: Clear boundaries prevent burnout by stopping you from overcommitting or taking on too much.
* Increased Self-Respect: You honor your own needs, fostering independence and confidence.
* Healthier Relationships: Clear expectations create mutual respect and prevent emotional exhaustion.
* Protection: Boundaries safeguard your time, energy, and mental health.

The Bad (Challenges & Initial Discomfort):
* Initial Discomfort: Setting boundaries often triggers feelings of guilt or fear of disappointing others.
* Resistance: Others may not like the new limits and may push back, causing conflict.
* The Learning Curve: You might overreact to small issues or struggle to communicate your needs clearly at first.
* Guilt & Second-Guessing: It is common to feel like you are being “mean” or “selfish,” despite the boundary being necessary.

The Ugly (Risks & Misuse):
* Isolation: Rigid or excessive boundaries can act as walls, isolating you from necessary, loving support systems.
* Control/Manipulation: Boundaries can be misused as a way to control or punish others, rather than to protect yourself.
* Relationship Breakdown: If boundaries are implemented abruptly or harshly without communication, they can destroy relationships instead of fixing them.
* Misinterpreting Needs: Assuming a boundary is always the answer can ignore the need for compromise or deeper communication.

Key Takeaways for Effective Boundaries:
* Focus on yourself: Boundaries are about what you will do, not controlling others’ behavior.
* Be clear and simple: Avoid over-explaining.
* Enforce with action: Be prepared to follow through with consequences if the boundary is violated.
* Flexibility matters: While some boundaries are firm, others can be adjusted, especially with family.

01/31/2026

Why You Choose the Wrong Partner:
1. Subconscious Familiarity: We often recreate the emotional dynamics of our childhood homes in our adult relationships. For example, you may be drawn to partners who resemble early caregivers, seeking to heal old wounds by replaying familiar, unhealed, or chaotic patterns.
2. Confusing Chemistry with Trauma: Intense, volatile, or “butterflies” feelings (often associated with love bombing or inconsistency) are mistaken for passion, but are actually nervous system reactions to dysfunction.
3. Low Self-Worth: Low self-esteem creates a painful paradox. You may desire a partner with certain qualities, a particular status, or a specific lifestyle, but deep down, you don’t believe someone of that caliber would ever be interested in you. If you do not value yourself, you may settle for less, ignoring red flags or convincing yourself that you can “fix” or change someone.
4. Fear of Being Alone: An overwhelming fear of being alone can completely sabotage the partner selection process. This terror of having any gap between relationships pushes people to rush in with anyone who shows the slightest interest. This fear can also lead to staying in unhealthy, unfulfilling, or toxic situations.
5. Ignoring Intuition: Ignoring that “gut feeling” when a partner’s words do not match their actions.

How to Pick Better Partners:
1. Build Self-Awareness & Self-Respect : Address your own emotional well-being through therapy, journaling, or self-help to stop needing a partner to fill a void.
2. Define Your Non-Negotiables: Clearly identify your values and needs. Set firm boundaries, such as refusing to accept disrespect or inconsistency.
3. Slow Down the Pace: Avoid rushing. Take time to see a person’s true character, behavior, and consistency over time rather than relying on immediate sparks.
4. Look for Stability over Intensity: Shift focus from exciting, dramatic love to secure, consistent, and supportive partnership.
5. Trust Your Intuition: If something feels wrong or too good to be true, pay attention to that feeling rather than dismissing it.

01/30/2026

Journaling is the go-to tool for millions of people when they want to untangle their thoughts, understand their feelings, and bring more clarity and insight into their everyday lives.
But sometimes journaling can do more harm than good. Conventional journaling often focuses too much on our thoughts, leaving us trapped in the echo chamber of our minds, recycling familiar feelings, entrenched viewpoints, and outdated narratives.

Why Journaling Might Make You Feel Worse:

1. Stays in the Mind (Cognitive Bypass): Journaling often keeps a person “lost at the level of thought,” failing to shift the energetic or physical aspects of deep-set trauma or stress.

2. Feeds Rumination: Instead of releasing emotions, writing can turn into repetition, causing the mind to loop around the same topic without resolution. This can cause a person to “spiral” or trigger emotional flashbacks.

3. Fails to Release Physical Tension: Deep-seated trauma is stored as “survival stress” (fight or flight energy) in the nervous system, which needs to be expressed and released through physical movement or sensation-tracking, not just described.

4. Reinforces Negativity: Focusing solely on what is wrong in a journal can reinforce negative, stuck patterns in the body.

How to make it work:
Being emotionally regulated before journaling is important because it allows you to approach your inner world from a place of calm, objective observation rather than reactive chaos. While journaling is a powerful tool for achieving emotional regulation, starting in a regulated state ensures you can process difficult emotions effectively without becoming overwhelmed or spiraling into further distress.

How to Regulate Before Journaling
To ensure your journal practice is beneficial, it is often recommended to use calming techniques before you write, such as:
* Breathwork: Taking 5 minutes to calm your nervous system.
* Grounding Exercises: Orienting yourself to your present surroundings to avoid spiraling.
* Setting Intentions: Deciding to use the session for self-compassion rather than harsh self-criticism.

01/29/2026

1. Regular check-ins with the body.
Engaging in body scans daily to get to know how our mood and bodily sensations may be correlated. This can allow us to better understand internal cues that hint to us that we are experiencing stress. Body scans allow us to give our attention to each part of our body from our toes to the tips of our hands and head.

2. Physical activity.
Many forms of physical activity require us to stay attuned with how our body is feeling and build trust with our body that it will let us know when it is overwhelmed. Our bodies may surprise us in its capacity to grow and know when it needs rest. Building that trusting relationship with our bodies helps us find our balance between challenging ourselves and taking breaks.

3. Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is at the heart of building a strengthened mind-body connection. Get started with mindfulness exercises today that can help you tap into the present moment. You might consider eating mindfully, taking a mindful walk, exploring a gratitude practice, practicing a body scan meditation, or another grounding practice to help you feel truly present in the moment.

4. Deep breathing.
Deep breathing involves fully expanding our diaphragm and letting the air fill our chests through our nose and blowing the air out through our mouths taking more time to breathe out than we did to breathe in. We may unknowingly engage in deep breathing when we feel activated or nervous, but also utilizing deep breathing as a regular exercise allows us to notice any slight changes in our mood and attend to our own needs.

5. Visualization.
The mind-body connection is a two way connection, meaning that our mind can also influence our body the same way our body can influence our mind. When we feel dysregulated, visualizing a place where we feel calm or peaceful and committing to bringing ourselves to that place can allow our bodies to also transcend to that location and regulate on its own. Visualizations of positive images can influence our body to physically and emotionally be in a positive state.

01/28/2026

Our daily habits might seem insignificant, but they have a profound impact on our nervous system over time.
Below are 6 Daily Habits That are Dysregulating Your Nervous System:
1. Chronic Rushing: Running late and rushing sends a “panic” signal to the brain, maintaining high stress levels.
2. Excessive Screen Time: Constant notifications, scrolling, and blue light exposure overstimulate the brain and disrupt circadian rhythms.
3. Ignoring Natural Rhythms: Skipping meals, disregarding tiredness, and neglecting to take breaks prevents the nervous system from resetting.
4. Hustle Culture Mentality: The normalization of constant busyness and productivity prevents true rest.
5. High Caffeine/Sugar Consumption: Overuse of stimulants and blood sugar spikes/crashes keep the nervous system in high-alert states.
6. Shallow Breathing: Shallow, rapid breathing—often a symptom of stress—perpetuates a feeling of being on edge.

How to regulate the nervous system:
When it comes to regulating your nervous system, there are no quick fixes. However, there are certainly some easy and free things you can do to boost parasympathetic nervous system activity.

1. Breathing: Try extended exhale breathing. Inhale for two counts, then exhale for four. Get into the habit of practicing this so that it becomes your default.

2. Movement: Whether it’s a walk, a workout class, or simply dancing around your living room, moving your body in ways that feel nourishing can help reduce baseline cortisol and adrenaline while boosting serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins—all of which improve mood.

3. Nature: Even brief time outdoors or short contact with green spaces can ease your nervous system.

4. Connect: Spend quality time with a supportive friend, family member, or pet. Even a short chat with a coworker or neighbor can lower stress.

5. Journal: Bullet journaling, gratitude journaling, and junk journaling can all be a helpful way to untangle thoughts and process emotions.

6. Reduce chronic stressors: This can mean everything from traffic to poor sleep to processed foods to toxic relationships.

01/27/2026

Childhood trauma can seriously impact our ability to set boundaries in adulthood. When we experience boundary violations early in life, what can happen is we grow up not realizing that we have the right to be an individualized, whole person with our own needs, wants, and preferences.

How Trauma Affect Our Boundaries:
1. Porous/Weak Boundaries: Survivors may have trouble saying “no,” over-share, take on others’ emotions, and struggle with one-way relationships.

2. Rigid/Wall Boundaries: Some survivors create insurmountable barriers to prevent further hurt, resulting in isolation and difficulty trusting others.

3. Guilt and Fear: The brain’s fear response (amygdala) may activate when attempting to set a boundary, causing immense guilt, shame, or fear of punishment.

4. Dissociation from Needs: Difficulty recognizing personal needs or feelings makes it hard to know where to set a boundary.

Basic steps for setting and maintaining good boundaries:
1. Take small steps – it can be very overwhelming to start creating boundaries with everyone in your life all at once. Take small steps and build your boundary-setting confidence.

2. Consistency is key – once you set a boundary, try to stick with it as much as possible. Boundaries are allowed to change and evolve, but remember, they should be changing and evolving based on your needs and values – not those of other people.

3. Start internally – don’t feel ready to set boundaries with other people? Start with personal boundaries. If you want to spend less time on social media, start limiting your social media time each day. Need a little more down time? Schedule a few hours of relaxation into your days off. Setting boundaries for yourself allows you to experience the benefits of boundaries in a safe space, creating increased confidence.

4. Communicate – even if you’ve already set a boundary, keep communicating and affirming this boundary as often as you feel necessary. This helps to ensure the people you set boundaries with remain aware of your boundary. If your boundaries are changing, let people know why.

01/26/2026

Self-trust refers to a deeply rooted belief in your own reliability, abilities, and inner truth. It’s the conviction that you can handle life’s challenges, make sound judgments, and rely on yourself in various situations. Self-trust is more than just having confidence in your abilities; it’s about knowing yourself well enough to make decisions that align with your values and most authentic self. When we trust ourselves, we feel grounded and confident in our decisions, even in the face of doubts, challenges or setbacks.

Building self-trust is a lifelong process, that requires regular introspection, learning, and growth. But below are a few small daily habits to start to build a stronger relationship with yourself—one where you can depend on you.

1. Keep Tiny Promises: Make a “no-fail” promise to yourself, such as drinking a glass of water immediately upon waking or doing one minute of stretching.

2. Daily Journaling: Write one sentence in a journal to process thoughts and reflect on actions.

3. Set Boundaries (Saying “No”): Build self-respect by saying no to requests that clash with your needs or values.

4. Identify One Daily Priority: Focus on one small, achievable goal for the day rather than a long, overwhelming to-do list.

5. Practice Positive Self-Talk: Use kind, encouraging language in the mirror to counteract self-criticism.

6. Daily Movement: Dedicate 10-15 minutes to physical activity, such as walking or stretching, to boost mental and physical health.

7. Track Your Wins: Keep a visual tracker, like a calendar, to tick off when you complete your daily habits, which provides proof of your reliability.

Key Principles to Solidify Self-Trust:
* Consistency > Intensity: It is better to do a small action daily than a huge task once a month.
* Forgive and Resume: If you break a promise to yourself, do not skip two days in a row; repair the trust immediately by resuming the next day.
* Face Fears in Doses: If a task feels overwhelming, commit to doing it for just one minute.

01/25/2026

1. Fear of Abandonment/Loss: A belief that any disagreement signifies the relationship is ending.
2. Trauma/Past Experiences: Growing up in a household where conflict was unpredictable, explosive, or handled poorly.
3. Rejection Sensitivity: Interpreting conflict as a threat of social rejection.
4. Fear of Being Wrong/Vulnerable: The emotional discomfort of exposing one’s own needs or being judged.
5. Misinterpretation of Differences: Believing that having different views means you are not compatible or loved.
6. Overwhelmed Nervous System: When arguments escalate, the brain’s prefrontal cortex goes “offline,” triggering a fight-or-flight response.

Consequences of Avoiding Conflict:
*Resentment: Suppressing emotions leads to a buildup of frustration, which can erupt later.
*Emotional Distance: Avoiding difficult conversations prevents true intimacy, creating an effect where issues are never resolved.
*Loss of Self: Sacrificing one’s own needs to keep the peace.

Core Principles to Embrace Conflict:
1. Reframe Conflict as Growth: View disagreements as necessary, constructive steps toward greater intimacy rather than signs of failure.
2. Focus on Understanding, Not Winning: The goal is to understand each other’s positions, not to decide who is right or wrong.
3. “We” vs. The Problem: Adopt a “let’s fix it” mentality, framing the issue as “we have a problem” rather than “you are the problem.”

Actionable Techniques for Healthy Conflict:
* Use “I” Statements: Express your own feelings instead of accusing, which reduces defensiveness.
* Active Listening: Listen without interrupting, and reflect back what you heard to ensure your partner feels heard.
* Set Ground Rules: Agree on rules for fighting, such as no name-calling, no bringing up past issues, and taking breaks if emotions become too intense.
* Own Your Part: Acknowledge your contribution to the conflict to build goodwill and encourage mutual accountability.
* Repair the Connection: After a conflict, use actions like sincere apologies or physical touch to reconnect and confirm you are still a team.

01/24/2026

Trauma recovery cannot be rushed because it involves re-wiring the nervous system to feel safe, a process requiring consistent, gentle repetition rather than urgent, high-pressure, or forced efforts. Consistent, small, daily actions build trust and predictability, allowing the nervous system to move from chronic survival mode (fight/flight/freeze) to a stable, regulated state.

Why You Can’t Rush Trauma Recovery:
1. Safety First: Rushing forces, rather than heals, and can lead to re-traumatization by facing too much, too soon.

2. Nervous System Regulation: The brain cannot be forced to feel safe on command; it needs consistent evidence of safety to calm hypervigilance.

3. Undoing Survival Mode: Trauma creates a habit of living in a “danger zone.” Replacing this with safety takes time to break old, ingrained patterns.

4. Avoiding Re-traumatization: Pushing for fast results, such as diving into intense details before being prepared, can cause flashbacks or dissociation

Key Reasons Consistency Wins in Trauma Recovery:
1. Regulates the Nervous System: Consistent routines, such as daily sleep schedules, meditation, or light exercise, provide predictability, which helps the traumatized nervous system feel safe and move out of constant “fight-or-flight” mode.

2. Builds Trust and Safety: Trauma often stems from unpredictable, unsafe situations. Consistent, reliable, and predictable daily actions or therapeutic interactions help rebuild trust in oneself and the world.

3. Prevents Overwhelm and Burnout: Intense, all-or-nothing approaches can lead to emotional exhaustion or re-traumatization. Small, consistent steps are more sustainable and less overwhelming.

4. Fosters Lasting Change: Long-term healing is a gradual process of retraining the brain and body. Small, consistent wins compound over time, strengthening the cortex and fostering genuine, long-term resilience.

5. Allows for Flexibility: A consistent approach allows for flexibility, letting individuals adapt their recovery work to their daily capacity without guilt or total abandonment of the process.

01/23/2026

1. It Impacts Brain Development and Nervous System.
*Brain Architecture Disruption: Chronic neglect can harm the development of brain structure and function, leading to poorer connections in areas essential for social and emotional competence.
*Altered Stress Response: Neglect disrupts the body’s main stress response systems (HPA axis), resulting in a sensitized “alarm system” (amygdala), making neutral situations feel dangerous and creating chronic anxiety.
*”Survival Mode” Living: Children raised in neglectful environments may spend their lives in “survival mode” (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) rather than thriving.

2. It Distorts Self-Worth and Identity.
*Internalized Messages: Children in neglectful homes internalize the message that their feelings, needs, and themselves as people do not matter.
*Core Shame and Unworthiness: This leads to a deep, persistent sense of being flawed, unworthy, or unlovable.

3. It Inhibits Emotional Intelligence and Regulation.
*Suppression of Feelings: Children learn to suppress or hide their emotions to avoid overwhelming their caregivers or because they are invalidated.
*Lack of Coping Skills: Without having their emotions validated and managed in childhood, they often enter adulthood without the tools to manage stress or understand their own internal experiences.

4. It Severely Affects Relationships and Attachment.
*Insecure Attachment: (CEN) often leads to insecure, avoidant, or anxious attachment styles, causing individuals to fear abandonment or struggle with intimacy.
*Difficulty Trusting: The failure of primary caregivers to be emotionally available breeds a deep distrust of others, making it difficult to rely on anyone.

5. It’s Invisible, Making it Harder to Heal
*”Nothing Happened”: Unlike physical abuse, it is hard to prove or even recognize that neglect occurred because it is defined by what did not happen.
*Gaslighting of Feelings: Children may be conditioned to believe that their experience was normal, or that they are being too sensitive, delaying the realization of the trauma until much later in life.

01/22/2026

Dating with Discernment:
*Slow Down: Allow space between dates for reflection, avoiding quick emotional attachment and moving from dating (discernment) to devotion too fast.
*Focus on Core Values: Identify non-negotiables and true compatibility, rather than superficial traits.
*Observe Actions, Not Just Words: Be wary of manipulation tactics like dismissing your feelings or promising change without action.
*Look for Growth: Seek someone committed to self-improvement.
*Maintain Your Life: Ensure dating enhances your life, rather than consuming it.

Being Nitpicky:
*Self-Protection: Often a defense mechanism against vulnerability, fear of commitment, or past trauma.
*Black-and-White Thinking: Idolizing or demonizing potential partners easily, seeing only extremes.
*Sabotaging Love: Finding faults to avoid intimacy or push people away.
*Unrealistic Expectations: Holding others to impossible standards of perfection.

Nitpicking is focusing on minor, insignificant flaws to control or criticize, often stemming from personal insecurity or perfectionism, while discernment in dating is about wisely evaluating core values, character, and compatibility for a healthy, long-term fit, distinguishing the essential from the trivial. The key difference lies in intent and impact: nitpicking damages relationships with constant fault-finding, whereas discernment builds them by seeking genuine connection and assessing true deal-breakers, not just petty annoyances.

How to Discern, Not Nitpick, When Dating:
1. Define Your Non-Negotiables: Clearly list your core values and deal-breakers before dating.
2. Observe Actions Over Words: Watch how they treat you, others, and handle challenges, not just what they promise.
3. Distinguish the Essential: Focus on their character (integrity, empathy, responsibility) rather than superficial traits.
4. Communicate Needs: Address significant concerns directly rather than bottling them up until they explode as petty complaints.
5. Check Your Internal State: If you’re constantly critical, ask if it’s about them or your own unmet needs/insecurities.

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