Shirin Peykar LMFT

Shirin Peykar LMFT California Licensed Psychotherapist (80300)
International Coach

Narcissistic abuse survivors almost always struggle with rumination, during and after the relationship is over. We may r...
10/10/2023

Narcissistic abuse survivors almost always struggle with rumination, during and after the relationship is over. We may ruminate for a variety of reasons each of which may have an unmet need. Whether you are in an inner critic attack and you are feeling like things are your fault or you are grieving the loss of the person you thought you knew, rumination takes over to “help” us get a need met. Sometimes rumination points to our need to be able to speak up and stop the subjugation. Sometimes rumination post narcissistic abuse can be our hypervigilance trying to protect us from being abused again in another relationship. These needs are not met in a relationship with a narcissistic person, at least not consistently enough. Engaging in rumination doesn’t truly help.

The cyclical thoughts of rumination take us into the past or the catastrophic future. We can temporarily interrupt rumination by bringing ourselves into the present.

One of the most freeing things we can do is accept what is. This is simultaneously one of the most difficult & painful t...
12/07/2021

One of the most freeing things we can do is accept what is. This is simultaneously one of the most difficult & painful things as well. Grief immediately comes up.

We often fight against the realities of dealing with a narcissist when we share children with them. Even when we know NPD & all of the signs and symptoms, we don’t want to give up hope that the narcissist can change even a little bit, at least for our children. We imagine that they will change if we have a rational conversation or appeal to them through our emotional expressions of anger or sadness, or explain how they are hurting us.

Cognitive dissonance and the inconsistency of these relationships often gets in the way of acceptance because we don’t know which side of them to accept.

When we can accept all that comes with these relationships (even the inconsistency), we feel less triggered when the narcissist acts as they do because we don’t expect it to be any other way. We have given up on the hope that they can be any different.

Acceptance does not mean allowing abuse. It is more about seeing the narcissist as they are and not so much who you hope they could be.

What has been the most difficult thing for you to accept about the narcissist in your life?

Hoovering is a term specifically used to describe a behavior used to suck back in a survivor. Doing these things does no...
11/29/2021

Hoovering is a term specifically used to describe a behavior used to suck back in a survivor. Doing these things does not make one a narcissist. This is not a diagnosing list. We may all do things to get back an ex because we feel sorry that we’ve lost someone we love unlike the narcissist who feels sorry that they’ve lost what someone provided them.

The sucking back in can be over the top and grand or they can be covert behaviors that the narcissist can safely do while maintaining their ego. Should the narcissist feel rejected because their attempt to Hoover has failed, they may gaslight you and deny that they even want you. As with any narcissistic attempt for supply, avoid an emotional reaction- whether positive or negative.

For a variety of reasons, some narcissists aren’t the Hoovering type. This isn’t a reflection on the survivor not being good enough to Hoover. We can sometimes make it about us when it’s really about them.

Without sharing identifying information, how have you experienced Hoovering?

Narcissists sometimes seek therapy, but rarely for true authentic change within themselves. Being confronted with things...
10/29/2021

Narcissists sometimes seek therapy, but rarely for true authentic change within themselves. Being confronted with things about ourselves that we’d like to improve is a part of therapy that narcissists’ fragility doesn’t allow them to touch. However, narcissists do reach out for therapy with self-serving motives that are sometimes covert, sometimes incredibly overt.

What else would you add to the list?

Narcissists use love bombing to manipulate and secure supply. Unfortunately, children are not exempt from this. As paren...
10/20/2021

Narcissists use love bombing to manipulate and secure supply. Unfortunately, children are not exempt from this. As parents and survivors, we may struggle with accepting that the narcissist cannot filter out their abusive behavior even in the relationship with their children.

I was observing a narcissist with their child and the way in which the narc was showering this child with affection. At first, it appeared loving and nice to observe this parent show their child how much they loved the child. But then something intuitive kicked in. It was over the top. It was excessive. It was not really what the child wanted.. it was more for the narc. It was a show, not an authentic expression of affection. My gut was screaming “ick.” However, explaining this to others who have not experienced narcissistic abuse would fall flat as the narc would sound like a wonderful, loving parent.

Love bombing has a powerful effect on children. They have needs that should be met in order for them to grow up happy and healthy. Love bombing creates the false illusion that these needs are being met (intermittently), especially the younger the child is. Some of the needs being physical affection, attention, being seen, being noticed positively, being taken care of, feeling parent is proud of you. However, love bombing is conditional, always has strings attached and is not consistent, which creates cognitive dissonance as it did for us in the relationship with the narc. There is always abuse or neglect in some form in the relationship with the narcissist.

As a survivor and parent, you have experience with love bombing and can bring much empathy to your child’s experience when the highs quickly turn into lows. You can also use your consistent, unwavering, unconditional love and attention to model a stable, healthy example of love for your child.

Narcissistic abuse has many affects on our mind + body, some of which stay with us even after the relationship with the ...
10/15/2021

Narcissistic abuse has many affects on our mind + body, some of which stay with us even after the relationship with the narcissist is over (regardless of how long you were involved). These are the effects of abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control, emotional suffocation… all of which deserve to be acknowledged non-judgmentally. Acknowledging our symptoms can help validate the fact that we have truly been abused. We can call it what it is and stop minimizing abusive behavior or gaslighting ourselves. This list is not to be used as evidence that you’re “screwed up” or “damaged,” which again is a common pattern of thinking for survivors. It is intended to normalize what survivors experience when dealing with a narcissist.

These will soften with time & healing. The experience of having someone validate you is healing in itself. Often these symptoms ebb & flow through the process of healing so be easy on yourself. Even during the darkest times, try to look for hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The letter to your narcissistic ex (that you never send) is one of the therapeutic outlets of emotional expression when ...
10/05/2021

The letter to your narcissistic ex (that you never send) is one of the therapeutic outlets of emotional expression when there’s no benefit to speaking directly to the one who hurt you.

If you still have contact with the narcissist because you share children, sometimes the residual emotions leak out to the kids or in messages to the narcissist. Courts already tend to view both sides as “high-conflict” and this reinforces the narrative that the emotional person is the problem, precisely what the narcissist wants.

When you have vulnerable conversations (or even a very warranted ventilation of how you feel), you’ve given the narcissist more ammunition to hurt you. They now know what’s important to you, what hurts you, what they can use as leverage to get what they want in the future. They also feel empowered to have affected you so much.

The letter may give you the space to have the do-over conversations you keep replaying in your head. It may be the safe place to express your anger. It may be where you recognize the silver lining, benefits, or wins of this relationship ending. It allows us to get back in touch with the empowered part of ourselves that uses anger as self-protection. It can help strengthen our self-compassion. It can remind us of the bad when we are romanticizing the good. Over time, we can track our healing when we read it over & notice that maybe there’s less anger, less hurt, more indifference, more growth.

*letter adopted from “a conscious rethink”

In our process of healing from narcissistic abuse we may have found that talk therapy alone doesn’t offer the level of h...
10/01/2021

In our process of healing from narcissistic abuse we may have found that talk therapy alone doesn’t offer the level of healing we are needing. A possible reason for this may be that we have not dealt with the dysregulation of our nervous system.

We live in a perpetual state of fight or flight (Sympathetic Nervous System activation) as a result of chronic stress from the narcissistic abuse we’ve endured. Many of us have somatic symptoms that have continued even after the relationship with the narcissist has ended because of the constant activation of our sympathetic nervous system, which is activated when we anticipate danger.

Trauma symptoms that are common with survivors: construction in the throat, chronic exhaustion, nervousness in the stomach, digestion issues, weakened immune system, skin issues, depression, anxiety. Dissociation is also a hallmark of CPTSD.

The Vagus nerve is known as the defender and protector of the body against all threats. It starts at the brain stem & goes down into muscles of face, inner ear, throat, lungs, stomach, intestines. An important role of this nerve is to activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System, which helps you feel calm & relaxed. When the Vagus Nerve isn’t functioning well, we tend to shift out of a regulated state and back into sympathetic activation.
The effects of the SNS lessen gradually but there are ways we can send the message to our body that all is okay now. You’re not in danger.

*consult with your doctor before taking any supplements or practicing any of these offerings

I thought that creating this list would help validate the experience of so many survivors who feel alone with their thou...
09/29/2021

I thought that creating this list would help validate the experience of so many survivors who feel alone with their thoughts and feelings. These are all common themes that many of us think and feel both during and after the relationship with the narcissist. Unless we’ve joined a narcissistic abuse survivor group or have friends/family who have also experienced narcissistic abuse, our experiences tend to stay within us, leaving us feeling alone in our struggle. There’s often much shame intertwined in narcissistic abuse recovery as well. My hope is that this post can remind you that you’re not alone. There are many others experiencing the exact thing you are this very moment ❤️

In Schema Therapy there is a term called “schema chemistry” which explains intense chemistry between two people as highl...
09/21/2021

In Schema Therapy there is a term called “schema chemistry” which explains intense chemistry between two people as highly likely to be a trauma bond. With a narcissist, it’s common to feel intense “chemistry” that keeps you in the game even when you’re being abused. Instead, what’s happening is that the patterns you have (originating from your childhood or adolescence) are causing you to stay and play them out with the narcissist rather than see the dynamics for what they are & run. For example, if we’ve had people abandon us in our early years, the panic & anxiety of being abandoned can feel overwhelming. So we may cling to the narcissist despite their abusiveness + toxicity. The narcissist is a master at making you feel safe enough to share your wounds with them but then they use your vulnerabilities against you as a way to maintain the one-up position. Maybe you have a deep feeling of not being enough. The narcissist will remind you of all the ways in which you’re not enough, reinforcing this narrative of yourself. So you stay & try harder to be enough for them.

This post is essentially a part two to the previous post. Here is where the personal healing lies. Reflect on what may have contributed to the bond between you & the narcissist that you have control to work through & change.

What bonded you to the narcissist in your life?

Narcissistic abuse survivors tend to be really good at finding their flaws and deficits that led them to be in a narciss...
09/17/2021

Narcissistic abuse survivors tend to be really good at finding their flaws and deficits that led them to be in a narcissistic abuse relationship. We spend a lot of time healing our wounds that may have contributed as well. One thing we usually don’t do is acknowledge the positive qualities in us that the narcissist was drawn to. There are many.

Today, recognize & point out these qualities in yourself. Don’t harden your heart or change these things about you because of a narcissist. Someone healthy will be grateful for all that you bring to a relationship and reciprocate it ❤️

As a follow up to the last post, it may be helpful to switch gears by thinking about the consequences of reaching out to...
09/10/2021

As a follow up to the last post, it may be helpful to switch gears by thinking about the consequences of reaching out to the narcissist for closure. For you, it is emotional. For them, it is tactical. Reflect on what you’re trying to attain & if that’s really possible. Closure is within you.

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