11/28/2024
Journal Entry from back in April of 2023
"Missing the Mark"
Big changes can be scary, but when you are allowing Big Homey^ to take the wheel it becomes an exciting, powerful and transformational life style change.
I would highly recommend it to anyone that can relate to me and my own massive F-up’s, always Missing The Mark more often than not trying to manifest the power to control the circumstances in your own life. Every victory is met with 10 defeats, good intentions turn into compromises and every intimate indulgence is toxic.
I would see a stone that is shiny and looks valuable and would try to turn it into bread, I would look down from the mount of my arrogance with a little voice telling me that I am invincible, I am special; Every time I jumped there would be no Angels to catch me. I would do it over and over again expecting a different result.
Soon I would find myself stranded in a desert with that little voice tempting me with ways to quench my thirst ; I would bow and serve my selfishness and in so doing serve the voices. Only later did I learn to hear their whispers and know them for what they are, the Worst Enemy one could have, The Enemy. Put whatever name you want to it, its the darkness inside you that thirsts only for a service to itself.
At the center of those shadows is where the serpent dwells, its only desire is to grow bigger to consume whatever it can to service its own prerogatives. That is what Selfishness is at the core.
Not going to lie, being a Teen Challenge Graduate and a Nerd, there was a time where I thought cleverness was faith and that saying the right words and knowing the right things would bring about the everlasting transformational change that I was so desperately seeking . But once again, those voices would lead me to the heights of my own pride only to laugh every time a fell.
What changed? I don’t know honestly ; I began to see patterns and synchronicities in my life, endless loops of my own mistakes replaying at different times with different faces but always as a result of my own actions. Rather than talking about God, I started talking TO God and I guess he was really listening because man, when Big Homey^ wants to move the mountains in your life, he can smile because he’s already done it.
He can take a decade long op**te addict who dances with Fentanyl on a daily basis and keep his lungs and heart beating every time he overdoses. Because that is a common occurrence as a Fentanyl addict. I mean this in now way to scare people who have loved ones that struggle, I mean this as an informative insight to the truth that I lived for years.
Rock bottom comes different for everyone and sometimes isn’t a bottom but a catastrophic disaster of circumstances resulting from a prolonged cycle of addictive behavior. Whatever you want to call it, I just say its the moment when you have reached your limit, when the pain of staying the same is more than it would be to finally change.
For me, that was the Moment I was the Father whom had a Daughter that did not want to see or speak to him because of one too many broken promises. A Fathers Promise is important to any child but for an 8 year old little girl it is the Truth, and when you take that Truth away from them and watch the light die out, it is the most painful experience that any decent man could ever go through.
My Daughter, my Jazzy is now almost 14 and I have been blessed to have had her watch me live a life away from the Fentanyl and clean from all the op**tes and drug cocktails that your to quench my thirst. She has gotten to see a Father that cares and will Fight for her down to his last breathe. Those are no longer words to me, those are the core tenant of my priorities.
Its easy to doubt, its easy to sit back and say I am just a broken vessel that has no value. Its easy to do the wrong thing when it will benefit you. I am the last to judge anyones circumstances or life choices because I have seen it and lived much of it.
If I could give any addict a few lines of advice regardless of their faith or beliefs, I dont care if your an athiest because if nothing changes your not short any change.
As if God were Real and you could talk to him, it doesnt even have to be out loud you could talk to him in your mind ; Commit to having one 5 minute conversation with him for 7 days straight. Thats a little over a half hour of time taken from a 7 day week. Talk to him about real s**t, the pain, the grief or the shameful s**t that you cant tell anyone. Just for 5 minutes, like he was a real person that actually genuinely CARES.
Try it and in 7 days, please let me know how the experiment went.
Please Share and Checkout my Recovery Blog at LogoGnostic.com if you think that this is worth reading or you can check out my FB Recovery Page “My Fight with Fentanyl”
Keep Shining and Keep Fighting,
Link for recovery blogs from the last few years
https://metanoiamindscom.wpcomstaging.com/metanoia-memoir-addiction-recovery-heroin-fentanyl-deliverance/
Keep Shining!
Nicholas Warnke
