22/05/2019
Hi everyone, it's me. Not sure if anyone is still out there, but if so, that's great. If not, that's cool too. I guess this is more of a soliloquy than anything. Anyone who knows me knows I'm absolutely terrible at talking about my feelings, but I'm good at writing... or typing in this case.
Tomorrow marks 4 years. 4 years since I sat in a tiny room at the hospital with close family as the doctor explained what was going to happen. I remember everything and yet I know there's parts I don't. I remember feeling as though it wasn't really happening and seeing it from a third person view. But I was there. And it was real. It was the most real experience I've ever had but it still felt like a nightmare. After that meeting I went to Mike's side for the last time. Ever. And to try to put into words what I was feeling is impossible. Afterwards, I ran down the stairs of the hospital and ended up in the kitchen (I think) and someone directed me to a side exit and I walked.... and walked.... I think I ended up across Bus. 17 by the time I realized what I was doing. As I made my way back, my brain had shut off from exhaustion. I don't remember much after returning to the hospital, and the rest of the day was a blur.
Fast forward 4 years and a lot has happened. Don't think I'm crazy, but I saw Mike at the beach the other night while I was there. It was the first time in a while and definitely the first time since moving to Florida. Yes, I see him from time to time. And no, it's not me wishing or my eyes playing tricks. He's always just far enough away so I don't freak out, but close enough for me to know he's there. I guess I know because it's something I feel. And I'm always calmer after I see him. Yeah, it's kind of weird, but he's not gone! He's always around us all. And I know he's happy seeing us all live our lives the best we can. That's what he did. He truly lived everyday to its fullest potential. He loved and lived intensely. And that's what we should be doing.
So yes, I'm sad. I know I'll never be the same, but that's ok- I've accepted that. I've also accepted who I am now. Four years ago people kept telling me how strong I was even though I didn't feel it. But I see now what they were talking about. I made it through. We made it through! So I keep Mike in my heart where he belongs and I keep the memories of life with him alive.... because they're so good.
-Amy
