05/01/2025
Dear Ford Motor Company,
First off — thank you. Your continued improvements to the Police Interceptor Utility have made patrol life safer, smarter, and, most importantly, allowed us to charge six devices at once while spilling only minimal coffee on ourselves. From the ruggedized flooring to the bullet-resistant panels and factory-installed steel intrusion plates — we see you.
You’ve even added features like:
• Rear sensors that roll up the windows and lock the doors when someone approaches from behind (great for safety, less great for catching drive-thru orders),
• An optional Surveillance Mode to keep officers alert in the dark,
• Police-grade cooling systems so the cruiser doesn’t overheat during long idle times, and
• The “dark car” feature that shuts off all interior lighting at night to maintain stealth.
All of these are incredibly thoughtful, forward-thinking innovations that help officers stay safe and alert. But respectfully…we think you’re overlooking one crucial element and would like to take this opportunity to request it in the 2026 models:
Where the heck are we supposed to put our Power Rings (donuts for the lay person)?
Yes, we said it. We need a designated, reinforced, climate-controlled donut platform. A flip-out tray. A tactical snack bay. Something — anything —that will keep a dozen Dunkin' power rings secure during Code 3 (lights and siren runs) turns.
As you can see from the attached image, we’re working with very limited real estate. The dashboard? Sloped. The armrest? Already full of tactical nonsense. The passenger seat? Occupied by a laptop that thinks it’s in charge.
We’ve found the best place currently is on the dashboard. But one hard brake, and its sprinkles in the defrost vents. Not only is it a waste of pastries, it’s a safety hazard. You ever tried pulling someone over while a Boston crème is sliding toward your steering wheel? It’s a sugar-fueled game of chicken.
We’re all for high-tech upgrades, but maybe let’s address the basics first:
• Cupholders that actually fit a coffee carafe, not just a sad medium iced
• A donut containment system with impact resistance and cruller cradle technology
• Optional glaze-resistant interior trim
We’re not asking for much. Just the ability to chase bad guys and preserve our sustenance. So please, Ford — hear our plea. Protect the power rings. Do it for patrol.
Sincerely,
Your friends at the Clinton Police Department
(Currently navigating a jelly donut drip while trying to submit a report).
Give us a shout if you need us
🐄 The Cops With A COP
👮♂️ Mike Conners