08/07/2024
In 2017, I faced the biggest challenge of my life: figuring out how to live when the emotional pain I was in at that time felt unsurvivable.
I, like anyone who survives a bout with suicidal ideation, had to first figure out my WHY.
At that time, my anxiety was so severe that I vomited if I missed a Xanax dose, and the depression was so unbearably painful and heavy that I couldn’t stand fully upright or get out of bed, much less take care of myself or my two young boys.
This was the result of multiple factors, most notably the awful side effects from the mood stabilizers I was being prescribed combined with the fact that my closest friends were viciously
bullying and/or abandoning me in record numbers at the lowest point in my life.
By that point I’d been struggling daily with my mental health since the birth of my first son in 2010. My symptoms only worsened after my second son’s birth in 2013 was traumatic.
Every good parent can tell you how humbling this job title is, and for me it was also terrifying. My mother was mentally unstable throughout my childhood, and her over-the-top rage directed toward my brother and me caused a lot of emotional trauma. The first time I became triggered enough to mirror to my own kids the way I was treated, I vowed to change myself no matter what it took.
Today my kids are 12 and 9, and while I do of course still get angry and frustrated sometimes, I now have the tools I need to regulate my emotions and respond rather than react to their (developmentally appropriate) behavior.
