Melissa Lees, LLPC

02/20/2026

It is often hard to see the way old coping tools hurt. It can also be tricky to see how they got automated. The good news is that trauma treatment and therapy in general can help shift your go to tools into something healthier.

Most coping patterns don’t start as problems. They start as relief.

Something felt overwhelming, unpredictable, or emotionally costly. And a behavior reduced it.

Maybe it dulled anxiety. Maybe it ended a conflict. Maybe it created distance. Maybe it created a brief sense of control.

Even small reductions in distress get encoded. The brain prioritizes what lowers pressure.

With repetition, that response becomes efficient. Fast. Automatic. Not because it’s ideal, but because it worked.

Then comes the second layer.
“I can’t believe I still do this.”
“This is unhealthy.”
“Why am I like this?”

That self-criticism feels responsible. But it increases stress. And when stress rises, the system reaches for what it has already learned reduces it.

So the cycle strengthens:
distress → behavior → relief → shame → more distress → stronger pull toward the behavior.

This is why shame rarely interrupts a coping pattern. It reinforces the learning by increasing the very pressure the behavior was built to manage.

Lasting change usually begins earlier in the sequence. Not by escalating pressure, but by understanding what the behavior has been protecting you from.

02/20/2026

Do you think this is true?

Fear of rejection can quietly shape a client’s entire life.

It often shows up as shame, withdrawal, or chronic self-sabotage.

Working with the Fear of Rejection gives you clear ways to work with what’s driving it.

Sign up today for 50% off! ➡️ https://www.nicabm.com/program/rejection-18/?del=2.20.2026FBPost

02/20/2026

Interesting.

Childhood wounds don’t always look the way you think.

Maybe no one hit you, you had food and shelter, and your parents weren't monsters.

But somewhere along the way, you absorbed messages that shaped how you see yourself and show up in relationships today.

Maybe you heard:

"You're so independent, you don't need anyone." So now asking for help feels impossible.

"This family depends on you." So now you can't say no without feeling guilty.

"You're too much" or "You're the problem." So now you apologize for taking up space.

Or, "I'm too busy for you." So now you've learned not to expect much from people.

It might not have been said out loud. But it was the role you were made to play.

And most of the time, these painful roles were given to us by caretakers who were doing the best they could with their own wounds.

These messages are still running in the background today. They affect who you choose, how you show up in conflict, whether you stay or leave, and how safe you feel being truly known.

The first step to changing your patterns is recognizing which message you absorbed.

Which one resonates most for you?

02/20/2026

It is tough as a parent to find the right balance of both listening and comforting as well as encouraging kids to calm themselves down in a self-soothing way. They have to learn the skill, and they need our help.

02/13/2026

IFS is a different way of relating to our hurting parts. Rather than trying to make them shut up and go away, we learn to listen, comfort, and soothe. There is no shame, even for the parts that sometimes cause us the most trouble. Those parts are trying to help. When we can understand them, we can give them new tools and resources that they need to feel better. They do what they do based on their experience; they didn't know anything better to do at the time. Now that you are older and have more capacity, supporting those parts and learning new skills can help. IFS therapy is my favorite.

02/13/2026

Clients often look at me funny when I ask them about "sensations" that happened when they have a feeling. Sometimes they are confused when I probe a little further into feelings like "frustration." Giving words to feelings helps us understand healthier ways to help ourselves feel better. When you can name it, you can learn how to support yourself. It is also interesting how feelings shift when they feel seen and heard, even when circumstances don't.

02/11/2026

These are good! One of my favorites is rather than asking "Why am I so emotional?" ask "What is my body trying to tell me right now?" You aren't crazy; you have a need. Understanding it so that you can help yourself in a healthy way is so much better than spinning out on self-judgment.

02/11/2026

Humans automate their decision making through repeated experiences. These are subtle ways programming happens. Then we wonder what happened and how to fix it. Lying is usually a stress response. For some the stress is so small that you wonder, "Why did they lie about that when it was totally unnecessary? They are safe with me." Past experiences that trained the nervous system to go into fight/flight explain a lot. Lying is a type of flight by avoiding the problem. It is very painful in relationships. Therapy can help the nervous system learn something new.

02/11/2026

Oh, those parts for whom being seen is scary, I think you are beautiful and worth caring for.

Some clients learned to survive by splitting off parts of themselves,

That adaptation can later block connection and regulation.

Janina Fisher, PhD teaches how to work with those parts safely in Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors.

Sign up today for 50% off! ➡️ https://www.nicabm.com/program/trauma-attachment-fisher-4/?del=2.6.2026FBPost

02/11/2026

This is one reason AI is not a very good therapist. Authentic, human-to-human care is important for our whole nervous system to heal.

One of the most misunderstood parts of healing is how relational it actually is.

When pain happens, the body looks for more than understanding. It looks for connection.

Another person’s presence helps the nervous system register that the experience didn’t just happen in isolation. That something landed. That the intensity could come down. That there was a shift after the pain.

This is why connection is so powerful for healing. Not because it fixes what happened, but because it helps the body register that the moment passed.

When pain is met in this way, it’s more likely to settle into the past. When it isn’t, the body keeps responding as if the moment is still relevant.

This is also why healing rarely happens alone. We are wired to make sense of pain, release it, and move forward in the presence of others.

And that connection doesn’t have to come from the person who caused the harm. What allows pain to finally rest is accurate witnessing, wherever that comes from.

02/11/2026

True

02/11/2026

Repair is one of the most important skills in a relationship--any relationship, parent/child, friends, romantic partners. Without it romantic partners become distant roommates or a ticking timebomb waiting to explode. The ability to take responsibility is hard, especially if it activates a shame response (the crushing feeling of being a bad person because you made a mistake). Shame almost always leads to defensiveness and ultimately to a tit-for-tat war on who is at fault and who hurts the most. One important shift that allows taking responsibility become easier is rather than shame--I am bad--we want a growth response. Get curious. How did my action hurt you? Did I accidentally (or on purpose) assault your self-concept i.e. your identity, worth, meaning, purpose, or empowerment? If saying or doing that would not hurt my feelings, in what way did it hurt yours? What would that feel like if it were done to me? It is hardest when we miscommunicated something that we did not intend. Taking responsibility does not mean that we have to say we did it on purpose; it just means that we can see the other person's point of view from their shoes and not our own. Taking ownership of our actions also does not mean that we are a bad person for making a mistake or causing pain, especially if it was an accident or a miscommunication. A growth response wants to understand how the pain was caused so that we can learn from it, heal it, and avoid it in the future. Learning that our behavior was painful leads to a better life with the person we love because we can make amends and get closer in the end than we were before. Feeling seen and heard by the person who is supposed to care about us the most feels amazing.

Real repair has three parts: ownership (I see what I did and I’m not defending it), empathy (I can feel what it was like for you), and a plan for change (here’s what I’ll do differently when we get back here). Without ownership, apology feels hollow. Without empathy, it feels cold. Without a plan, it becomes a loop.