Iris McAlpin

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Iris McAlpin

Self care is a humanitarian Act. Heal yourself, heal the world.

27/04/2023

A few of y’all asked how to manage the discomfort of not being able to remember trauma that happened to you as a child. This is my response, and I hope it’s helpful to you! 💛

25/04/2023

This is why I always bristle when I hear things like “it’s not the parents fault he’s so difficult, their other son is a doctor.” 😖 It’s not that I want to blame the parents for everything, it’s just that having one successful child doesn’t mean there wasn’t abuse, neglect or developmental trauma in the home.

Being the “problem child,” “scapegoat” or “designated patient” is deeply painful, and sometimes also feels like the only way we can exist in our families. The same goes for being “the hero” or “the golden child,” we might feel like we have to be successful at all costs, and show no weakness, which is a heavy burden to bear.

Does this sound familiar to you? Which role do you resonate with most? In either case, being aware that this is the role we were cast in as children (and continue to cast ourselves in as adults) can create powerful shifts. 💛

16/04/2023

Small children seek predictable connection, and when they can’t get it, they’ll find surrogates. This often turns into habits we don’t like as adults, many of which get labeled “self-sabotage.” Understanding what’s fueling these behaviors can help us take some steps to meet our needs in a different way. 💛

14/04/2023

If you’re putting something off right now, this one’s for you. 💛

11/04/2023

You can swap out emotions here, sometimes anger, sadness or other emotions can get confused for anxiety too. Really anything that wasn’t safe to express in our early lives can trigger it.

This framing of anxiety is another gem from my training with NARM & it has really changed the way I relate to my anxiety when it shows up. Since learning this I can say 10/10 times I feel anxious, there another emotion present that wasn’t relationally safe to express early on. Does this track with your experience too? 🤔💛

04/04/2023

It may seem like a child “knows better” but in my experience, when they really do know, and have the support, tools and developmental capacity to do better, they do better. Until then, they won’t.

This is true even if we already told them before. Even if they’ve done it “correctly” before. That doesn’t always mean they truly understand or have a working internal model for why something needs to be done a certain way.

Regardless of why they did something we feel like they “shouldn’t” do, if we can relate to our kids like they’re truly doing the best they can with the tools they have, and with our support will continue to learn and do better, it creates a relationship based in mutual trust and respect. At least in my view, this is very precious and worth working to create.

If your kids are old enough to understand and you blurt out “you should know better” without even thinking, it’s OK. You can take a breath, share that you’re working on responding differently and ask questions about what happened so you can understand why they did what they did. This builds connection and understanding, and models that we’re all works in progress.

Was this something you heard a lot growing up? Have you said this a lot to your kids? If you have related experience and you’re willing to share more about it in the comments I’d love to hear. 💛

28/03/2023

When we call people monsters we don’t have to feel the gut punch of acknowledging that an actual human being did this. We don’t have to ask the hard questions about how human beings get so disconnected from themselves and others that we end up here. I also don’t see how we heal as a society without coming together and asking these kinds of questions. I don’t have answers right now, I’m just sitting with the heartbreak. 💔😢

23/03/2023

I think this has been my biggest personal realization since becoming a parent. I genuinely had no idea I was enduring things that were harder than they needed to be. It just seemed like “the way things are.” Since having this realization, life has gotten easier. What’s still amazing to me is that making it easier was easy. A few conversations, a few boundaries and some very simple new systems literally changed my life. Who’d have ever thought?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

So in case someone else out there is unnecessarily enduring difficulties because you can, I hope this will shine some light on some new possibilities for you. There will always be challenges, but maybe there can be fewer than you’re accustomed to. 💛✨

16/03/2023

Self-sabotage is a very complex topic and the reasons for it are varied, but this is a common theme I’ve observed in my work over the years. Learning about this doesn’t usually magically make it easy to allow joy in our lives, but it can help jumpstart the healing process. I hope this will be helpful to someone out there. 💛

09/03/2023

I don’t know this for a fact (can’t ethically prove causation in research on children) but I suspect this is one of the reasons ADHD and C-PTSD have so much overlap.

I don’t think this is true for everyone with ADHD either, it’s a complex phenomenon. I do however think it’s over diagnosed and complex PTSD is under recognized.

On a personal note, I was given ADHD meds when I was 14 by well meaning physicians but it was definitely not what I needed. The reasons I couldn’t stay engaged in class had absolutely nothing to do with my capacity for attention and everything to do with my capacity to cope with other elements of my life. This happens all too often.

Anyone else? 🧐🙋‍♀️💛

06/03/2023

Learning about this was very illuminating for me, and helped me see some of my struggles in a different light. It also helped me have a little more compassion for myself and others, so my hope is that it might do the same for you.

For those of you who are learning about this for the first time how does this land with you (if you’re willing to share)? Also let me know if you have questions in the comments, I may create more content around this topic if there’s interest. 💛

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