04/11/2025
I am sure there are some of you that are not going to agree with me, but I just want to share this anyway.
Pain, anger, trauma… it all travels down through our family’s tree. And what really sucks is that most of the time, us as humans do not want to feel or deal with that pain, so we continue passing it down… To our kids, to our family… and we end up leaving it to them because we don’t want to deal with it or feel it. What you don’t understand is that the thing with pain and trauma is that the only way to fix it is to let yourself FEEL it. And hopefully at some point, a unique individual, a human, maybe YOU, comes along…. And you are tired of it and you want to end the cycle. You want to break your family’s traditional tree cycle of trauma. You want to stop passing it down.
So you feel the pain, because it is the only way to heal from the pain. It might label you as the black sheep, the one with anxiety and depression…. But you have to remember that YOU are the one with the superpowers, because you can feel it, you are allowing yourself to feel it. And healing may mean cutting off certain people from your life, maybe even from your family. But you have to do what you have to do so that you can break the vicious cycle of trauma that leads to mental health disorders because you don’t want your children to have to feel what you are feeling.
It is honestly the hardest thing that anyone will ever attempt to do.
I have 7 1/2 years sober, 7 1/2 years of therapy, 7 1/2 years of seeing an addiction specialist, 7 1/2 years of making myself feel the pain, 7 1/2 years of panic attacks, 7 1/2 years of having days where I can’t get out of bed, 7 1/2 years for the pain takes all of the air out of my chest, and I feel like I can’t take another step, 7 1/2 years without being able to numb it away.
It would be so much easier if I could just shoot some oxy or some he**in and numb the pain again. So much easier.
Numbing it away, working it away, running it away, using any and everything, from substances to keeping myself as busy as I possibly can to not have to feel it because it hurts so much.
But there is a 16 year-old boy watching me. Learning from me. Loving me, despite my faults and my anxiety and my depression, and I would rather feel this pain ever every single day to help break this cycle for him instead of refusing to feel it and deal with it and cope with it And heal from it so that he can have a better life.
So no, I am not always OK. I do not always have a tight grip on being able to do all the things that an average person can. So some days, I stay in bed and I let myself rest. Some days I shut off my phone or refuse to look at it because I can’t deal with anyone else’s problems at that moment aside from my own mental health. But I keep going. I keep trying. I keep feeling so that I can keep dealing to help me keep healing.
It’s OK to not always be OK. And don’t let any judgmental as***le tell you otherwise. You cannot take care of the people that you love the way they need to be taken care of if you cannot take care of yourself first.
