03/14/2025
"Like the ever-elusive quick fix, ignoring, pretending, or numbing something doesn’t usually resolve our pain. Instead, we must find ways to validate that our stories are real and—although we may not like parts of them—that they are ours. Such an approach is diametrically opposed to what we’ve been taught. Instead of trying so hard to forget, we try softer by becoming engaged, attentive observers of our bodies, minds, and spirits so that we can give each of those parts what it actually needs to heal. From a psychological and physiological perspective, the more disconnected we are from our lived experience, the more overwhelmed or numb to our lives we’ll be. Research has shown us, in fact, that having cohesive stories matters for our emotional wellness.[4]
As a trauma-informed therapist, I don’t consider stories to simply be abstract concepts or ethereal ideas, but instead the neurobiological framework through which we experience life—for better or worse. Simply put, stories—or the compilation of events, emotions, sensations, ideas, and relationships we’ve experienced—are held in our minds and bodies, and they affect how we see our world. The templates some of us live from confirm that we are relatively safe and loved, and though we are imperfect, we are still capable. Others among us have been hardwired through our experiences to believe that we are not enough or that we’re shameful, unlovable, or any number of other untruths. The stories we weave and the meaning we make from them create templates for how we understand God, life, others, and ourselves. Regardless of the frameworks we carry, choosing to care for and nurture the whole history of who we are is connected to the way we were made to thrive.
Excerpt from the book 'Try Softer' by Aundi Kolber
