01/24/2026
What is Codependency and what the heck does it have to do with attachment?
Codependency is a relationship pattern where your sense of safety, worth, or identity gets tied to another person.
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions or problems.
You prioritize their needs while ignoring your own.
You fear conflict or abandonment, so you over-accommodate.
You get validation from being needed, helpful, or “the good one”.
You stay in unhealthy dynamics longer than you want to or know you should.
At its core, codependency isn’t about caring too much—it’s about needing the relationship to feel okay inside yourself.
Anxious attachment (what that is)
Anxious attachment is an attachment style formed early in life (often from inconsistent caregiving). It shows up as:
-Fear of abandonment or rejection
Hyper-sensitivity to changes in tone, availability, or behavior (Micro expressions)
-Strong desire for closeness and reassurance
-Rumination (“Did I do something wrong?” "Am I enough?)
-Feeling calm only when the relationship feels secure right now
-Anxious attachment is about how you bond and regulate emotions in relationships.
How they’re connected (but not the same)
Think of it like this:
Anxious attachment is the emotional wiring.
Codependency is a behavioral pattern that can grow out of it.
People with anxious attachment may develop codependent behaviors because:
Keeping others happy feels like survival
Losing connection feels physically distressing
Self-abandonment becomes a way to avoid abandonment by others
So you might see:
Over-giving to keep someone close
Difficulty setting boundaries
Staying in relationships that don’t meet your needs
Confusing intensity with intimacy
But important nuance 👇
Not everyone with anxious attachment is codependent, and not all codependency comes from anxious attachment. Trauma, family roles, addiction dynamics, and cultural conditioning can also lead to codependency.
The key difference
Anxious attachment: “I’m afraid you’ll leave me.”
Codependency: “I’ll lose myself to make sure you don’t.”
The hopeful part 🌱
Both are patterns, not personality flaws—and both are very workable. They are programs that we developed that are outdated and no longer useful.
Healing usually involves:
Learning self-soothing instead of outsourcing regulation. This takes time and practice!
Practicing boundaries without guilt
Building a sense of self that exists OUTSIDE relationships.
Understanding your own needs.
Being able to ask for your needs to be met.
Developing secure attachment behaviors over time.
If you resonate with this post, reach out! Let's talk and start working on a secure dynamic and a health sense of self!
