Those are the words that a man shared with me following my near-fatal accident on December 15, 2010. At this time, I was only two weeks into my marriage, and I was at the start of my career, in my residency, as a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine. I was a recent graduate of Michigan State University College of Osteopathic Medicine (2010). Years earlier, I completed my B.S. in Psychology from Wayne State University (2004), and I worked at several Metro-Detroit Gyms as an AFAA-certified group fitness instructor and as a NASM and ACE-certified personal trainer (2004-2006).
I was no stranger to adversity, pain, or loss (including the death of my Dad who died at 53 in 2008 of a massive stroke) at the time of my accident, however, through my accident I experienced the loss of everything that I identified with, including who I even was. That led to some of the darkest moments that I’ve ever experienced, and it also led to my acceptance of my deep faith. I remember questioning why I had to survive my accident; I remember thinking it would have been easier to have died than to have survived and go through all I was going through every day. I felt alone. I was experiencing severe physical and psychological pain. I didn’t know that there was a greater plan in life than my own.
One day, while talking to a friend, he said, “Nicole you didn’t die because you still have a purpose left here.” So simple, yet so timely. These words still resonate deeply in my soul. Now, nearly seven years later, I have seen several reasons why I had to survive. Two of the greatest reasons I had to survive are my children, Jack and Kaitlyn. They’ve continued to give me the motivation for always pushing forward.
Through my pain, this community was also born. I’ve been blessed to serve here and walk alongside others through their life journey due to this accident, and my second chance at life. There’s so much more that I could share here. There are so many more lessons learned through this journey that I wrote a book at the beginning of 2017, and I've sent queries off to literary agents. I'm waiting, hoping, and praying that I'll get an exceptional one to represent me and this journey, so others can benefit from the message that I am meant to share! For today, I hope that you will be encouraged in knowing that you too have a purpose for living. You are not alone, and you are loved.
My Voice and Speaking Up Against Abuse (Written on July 21, 2019):
After an 8 1/2 year journey of healing that was catalyzed by getting hit by that semi-truck on 12/15/2010, here is my journey with speaking out against abuse. I do not share this as a "victim". I have never seen myself as a victim, despite being, by definition, victimized. I have come to awareness that this is a calling that God has placed on my life, and He has given me the strength to walk in this purpose. Brace yourself, because there is going to be a whole lot of truth shared in this post. God as my witness, I know that I will be accountable for my words and actions at the end of my life. If you don't like this, then take it up with God, take a good hard look at yourself, and ask yourself why. Seek counseling, if need be. You are responsible for your own actions and healing. Your healing and response is not my responsibility. Although, my voice gained visibility with the William Strampel trial, I have been speaking up against abuse since I was a little girl, and often times, I was silenced, minimized, and dismissed. I have been heard, and I won't be silenced again. This may cost me some more "friends and family," but so be it. I have seen how few have actually supported and encouraged me, and how those I have helped, including counseling and support throughout adulterous affairs (more than one person), have not been there for me in a reciprocated fashion.
1. Childhood Abuse
As a child, I experienced verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I wore bruises and scars that stayed with me subconsciously into adulthood. I was repetitively called stupid, a stupid bitch, and one time, a c**t (I temporarily stayed at my ex-boyfriend's house after I was called this name). Even for those who said they never saw this side of my Dad, I have witnesses - not that I need their validation. I always spoke up and said that I wasn't stupid, but those words left underlying scars. Perfectionism was my coping mechanism, but I never felt good enough. With every outburst of anger, every single past mistake from childhood on up was brought up, again, and again, and again. In addition to name-calling, I heard screaming and those same names yelled at those who I loved. I heard slamming cabinets. As a little girl, I'd yell out from my bedroom for it to stop. It hurt my heart so bad. I was told, "If you would just be quiet, he would stop." No, he wouldn't. I was told, "If you cry, I'll give you something to cry for." As a little girl, I hid out of fear when accidentally made mistakes. One memory is when a glass light broke that was outside in our garage. I hid in my brother's closet. I was so afraid. I was hit, punched, and one time, when my Mom was at work, in middle school, I had my Dad's hands around my neck. My neck bruised and I told no one. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. There was another incident when my brother stole shaving cream when we were in elementary school. I was screamed at for hours upon hours and called a liar while I sat on the kitchen chair, despite the fact that I was telling the truth. It wasn't until my brother's friend told on him, that it stopped. My brother allowed me to be abused while hiding the truth. The same brother told me I was fat for most of my life. I struggled with my weight from childhood, and I didn't feel good enough. Another time, my brothers had a food fight with rice in the living room. I tried to clean it up. My Dad was in the shower. I didn't clean it up fast enough, and I was told "You are going to get it the worst because you are the oldest."
In middle school, I called the cops on my Dad. He never hit me after that. He was also unable to get a CCW permit because of that one phone call. It was a cycle of abuse. From childhood, I understood this. I knew of parts of my Dad's upbringing, too. I wish my Dad could have had the childhood that my children are experiencing. I deserved that type of carefree childhood, too. Despite being told to be quiet, my voice aided in putting an end to that cycle. My Dad apologized to me on Father's Day 2008 just weeks before he died of a stroke at the age of 53. I will always be grateful for his courage and humility in coming to me and saying that he "was sorry for how he was with me growing up." I had forgiven him even before he showed repentance in his heart. I loved my Dad. I was fearful of him, at times I thought I hated him, but I loved him. I still love him, and I miss him. I will forever be grateful for answered prayers and the relationship that I gained with my Dad before he passed away. Throughout my entire life until the age of 17, I had my Grandma (my Mom's Mom) who listened to me, guided me with non-judgmental love, and told me to "stay strong." She was my mentor and best friend. Those words, "stay strong" have followed me throughout my entire life. I saw God's love through my Grandma's countless kitchen table talks that she had with me - she truly listened. She passed away when I was 17, but I am most grateful for her presence during the first 17 years of my life. Her legacy is living on in my children. Also, note that I have had to do extensive work and reflection on my end to make sure the behaviors that I saw as a little girl didn't carry on into my parenting. I am not perfect, but when I fall short, I apologize to my children and I tell them why I was wrong. I do the same in my marriage. Seeking and receiving forgiveness is powerful.
2. People To People Student Ambassador, Age 12, Sexual Abuse
My parents were kind enough to invest in me going to Europe as a student ambassador at the age of 12. I traveled to Spain, France, Germany, and Switzerland with this program that was started by President Eisenhower. What a privilege. This is when I was first s*xually assaulted. Another boy on this trip who was from Utah, digitally penetrated my va**na when we were on a bus. I told the group leader. She told me, "That's what boys do when they like you." I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I never told anyone about this until I was 37 years old, after hearing Dr. Ford's testimony and the conversation about why people don't report.
3. #ChurchToo - Religious Abuse
Growing up, I was raised Catholic. During my time in the Catholic Church, I went to catechism (or kiddy prison as we called it). The Principal was not nice. That is one of the only memories that I have during my youth. I didn't truly understand who Jesus was or what his ministry entailed. I do remember my poodle perm and my Holy Communion. However, as an adult, I saw the abuse within the Church. I was disgusted by the priests and pe******ia. After my Dad died, we were in a service and a prayer was said for "more Caucasians to enter the priesthood." I boldly vocalized how I was not praying for such a racist statement, while I listened to others say, "Amen". I question if people were really even listening to what they were coming into agreement with. I left the Catholic Church after that. Since my accident, I have experienced legalistic abuse and religious spirits that lack true faith, judgment without getting to know who I am, and lack of confidentiality regarding other church members (including one woman's adultery), which is a brazen abuse of power. Speaking out against legalism could have cost my husband his job in the past, but I was obedient and God continued to make a way for us and provide. Now, we do not attend a physical church. We watch church online. I do not consider myself a "Christian". I am a Christ follower. I love Jesus and I have seen God answer countless prayers in my life.
4. Narcissistic Abuse
Since getting married, I have experienced narcissistic abuse, which is soul-sucking. Personally, I think it is worse than getting beat. You don't have to agree with me. I have had people try to control my voice, including what words I say. I have had attempts to control when I go to bed, how much food I eat, and how I spend my money. As a grown woman. As a doctor. I have seen an individual reach out and touch my son's sc***um when I was changing his diaper as a baby for no reason other than testing boundaries. I told my husband immediately after this happened. He was too fearful to confront my son's abuser. Sexual abuse is common with narcissistic abuse. After another incident, my husband did confront this person and he saw the rage that followed. My husband said he felt homicidal in those moments. He saw the truth behind the mask. I have had more people who have never met me dislike me than ever before, and all have been attached in one way or another to my husband. I have experienced triangulation where others have been manipulated and have attacked me online - people who have never met me in person and sadly, one person who I thought would stand with me but chose not to, continuing to live in denial and choosing to side with abusers.. I have seen behind the narcissistic mask of flattery, outward appearance, gift-giving, etc. Behind the mask is scary. I have established healthy boundaries after reading the book, Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend, which is backed with Biblical scripture. I can forgive, therefore not carrying the weight of another person's burden and dysfunction, and choose to love toxic people from a distance. I am not a punching bag or scapegoat. In speaking up for myself and understanding that I am worthy of the love that I give to others, I have seen many turn their backs to me. I have been called the same names that I was called as a little girl in my Father's rage. I have been disappointed in the response of those who I thought loved me. Rather than believe me, they have believed the mask. I have no reason to lie, and I have been truthful just as I was as that little girl sitting, getting screamed at for something that was not my fault.
5. Institutional Abuse - #MSU
I first spoke up against William Strampel, my former Dean at MSU College of Osteopathic Medicine, in 2007 after a flu shot clinic at the Capitol Building in Lansing, MI, as a 2nd-year medical student. He told me how it was easier to get women drunk and then have s*x with them due to women having less of an enzyme that breaks down alcohol compared to men. This is true. It is a physiological fact in regards to this stomach enzyme. He also told me about a woman he had in his office after she was caught cheating on exam. He was boastful as he shared how she was begging and pleading with him, but he didn't tell me how that meeting ended. After this incident, I shared this with Kim Camp who works in Alumni Relations. Her response to me at that time was, "Nicole, everyone knows about his behavior and nothing ever changes."
In 2008, during my first week of my 3rd year of medical school, my Dad died at my base hospital in Warren, MI. I felt him die. He left me with some powerful statements, which deepened my faith. He ultimately accepted his fate, but not before making it known that he didn't want my Mom to worry and that he was concerned about his kids' well-being. He had expressive aphasia from his stroke, but two sentences came out clear as day. "I'll go, I don't want her to worry." and "Will the kids be okay when they get older." With reassurance, he slipped into a coma and died not long after that. In those six minutes, I felt him die on July 17, 2008. My Dad taught me so much about life and death.
Despite my Dad's death, I continued on with my clinical rotations, getting excellent evaluations, and I graduated medical school on time. Months before graduation, was when William Strampel grabbed my butt at the MOCF Ball. This happened in front of his wife and other faculty members. Who could I tell? I told my husband. I was embarrassed and felt shame for something that was not my fault. I was able to leave immediately because being a 4th-year medical student in clinical rotations, I no longer lived up near MSU. The next time I saw Strampel, is when I was pictured shaking his hand at my graduation ceremony.
After graduating medical school, I started my first post-graduate year of training at the same hospital where I did my clinical rotations. This is where I had records showing two years of excellent evaluations despite my Dad's death. However, as soon as my Director of Medical Education learned that I would be transferring to Oakwood in Dearborn, he started to tell me that I was incompetent. He brought me into meetings and he made it known that he thought his behavior was funny. Very similar to Strampel's behavior minus the s*xual advances. I had close to $250,000 of medical school debt at this time. I learned that he had successfully ruined other doctors' careers. I went immediately to the hospital administration, and I was told to get my last performance evaluation. On my way back to the hospital, with an excellent evaluation from Dr. Michelle Zucker, I was hit by a semi-truck at 65 mph. Speaking up against abuse in medicine very nearly cost me my life. I should have died. By the sheer grace of God, I am alive. Imagine how hard it was for me to speak out against abuse in medicine again following the news on Larry Nassar. However, due to the extensive loss that I had already experienced through my accident, I was in a unique position to speak truth without fear of loss. I had already lost it all pertaining to my career in medicine.
Since my accident, I have successfully gone through a lawsuit with the trucking company, which involved a deposition, "Independent Medical Exams" - ABUSIVE, and a defense attorney who subpoenaed my records proving my honesty. A panel of judges judged in my favor of a half a million dollar settlement. I have also fought the long-term disability company, the Hartford Group for the last 8 years, and my case is currently at the level of the U.S. Federal Court. This is a billion dollar industry that thrives on unethical, abusive practices. What they have done to me, they do to everyone. I fight not only only for myself, but also for all who do not have the education or representation that I have. I even had an investigator paid to follow me who stated in his report that he "tried to look though (my) blinds, but the shades were drawn." The Michigan State Police Detective/Sergeant who I spoke to throughout the Strampel investigation/trial, told me that this was illegal.
June 21, 2019, I received this message:
"Dr. Eastman, I'm in awe of your bravery and resilience. Thank you for sacrificing so much of yourself to be a voice for those who are silenced. I and THOUSANDS of others have lost our reason to feel proud to be a Spartan (MSU). On behalf of them and myself, I sincerely thank you for being someone who brings back that sense of pride..."
I also had another individual who tagged me on a post on Twitter alongside other strong voices who speak out against abuse. The post was a prayer for God to continue to guide our voices and bring healing. I felt honored. My voice has been heard despite so many trying to silence me.
#TimesUpHealthcare #AbuseInMedicine #JusticeInMedicine
This has been a HARD journey. However, I now understand and embrace who I am and my voice. I have learned over the years where my strength comes from, and I understand this calling placed on my life. I will continue to speak as I feel led and convicted to do so.
Embracing Change: Not Resisting and Trusting God’s Plan Through Transitions by Dr. Nicole M. Eastman
Written Testimony, July 16, 2019:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/embracing-change-resisting-trusting-gods-plan-through-eastman-d-o-/?fbclid=IwAR25rZFDuX2qJfCBnluURliRE4g5eZjDUscXq1YOT1w7HFSwex5IVQNO2sQ
About This Community:
I hope that this community will allow you to think and enable you to grow. I hope to make this a space that encourages and maintains a sense of safety, which will allow for vulnerability, courage, acceptance, and overall better mental well-being. I hope to provide useful resources that will encourage you to make better choices in regards to your body, so that aspect of your health is improved as well. Finally, I hope to keep faith present and always serve in a way that honors my second chance at life, and give the glory back to God for all of the healing that occurs through this space and into your life.
More About Nicole:
Life has given Nicole a wealth of opportunity to overcome adversity. She has experienced tremendous loss through unexpected and uncontrollable events and trauma. She once took pride in identifying herself as highly independent and success-driven, but through a life-altering motor vehicle accident, her life as she knew it came to an end. Two weeks into marriage and at the start of her career as a doctor, Nicole’s car, and life were sent spinning when a semi truck hit her car on the expressway.
With her accident, Nicole experienced extensive loss and consequently, some very difficult choices. Rather than give up, Nicole chose to begin a journey of healing, to embrace the pain that she was experiencing, and to rely on hope and faith to allow her to truly embrace the gift of a second chance at life.
Nicole now finds joy in her dependency on hope and faith. She sees purpose for her pain, and she is delighted by the fact that as she has healed, others have too. Nicole’s vulnerability, honesty, and openness displayed through her writing and speaking have allowed others to find the courage to move forward, to discover what is preventing them from living a joy-filled life, and to experience peace despite unfavorable life experiences.
Nicole dedicates her time to serving the needs of others. Nicole’s empathy, acceptance of others, resiliency, and strength are attributes that others use to describe what makes her unique. In allowing yourself to cross paths with Nicole, you will come to realize that there is much more than what meets the eye. Her appearance deceives the eye and her life story challenges misplaced judgment. Nicole maintains the deepest gratitude for her Grandma, who spent countless hours with her during their kitchen table talks. Her Grandma, who passed away in 1999 at the young age of 64, helped to mold her into who she is today. Nicole is an old soul, who has never really felt like she fits in. Only now does she realize that this is a gift in itself.
Although she was born and raised in Michigan, Nicole and her husband, Tim, moved to Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands on August 29, 2012, when she was six months pregnant with their son, Jack. In Grand Cayman, she and her husband have grown stronger through more trials and struggles, including near-homelessness on two occasions for different reasons.
Nicole now chooses to embrace love, simplicity, and nature. She realizes the importance of healthy boundaries, and she realizes that self-care is not selfish. Self-care is critical for one to live their best life possible and to help others effectively. Her focus is on everything that she has to be grateful for in life, and she looks forward to integrating all of her education, experiences, and gifts to motivate and inspire others to break free from what is holding them back from living a joy-filled life.
