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Heroin to Heroine, St. Louis, MO (2026)

08/21/2025

For anyone that doesn’t know me, my name is Kassie, and I am an addict. I started this blog as a young, lost, 24-year-old with a little over a year of recovery. I didn’t know what my path would be at the time, but I knew that I wanted to help others. I had a plethora of experience with battling addiction, and I wanted to share that experience in the hopes that it would reach someone that needed it. I quickly found that writing was a passion of mine. Not only did it allow me to show others that they weren’t alone, but it also let me process my own experiences. It helped me grow, mature, and, ultimately, it led me to my career.

7.5 years of recovery later, and I have found it difficult to keep up with my blog posts! When they tell you life gets busy- boy do they mean it! Next semester, I will graduate with my Bachelors in Social Work and begin the journey of acquiring my Masters degree. My beautiful little boy is eight years old, and started third grade this year. And I have had the wonderful privilege of working as the Director of Extended Care at Sana Lake Recovery Center for the last 5 years.

In the last few years, while life has been busy- it has also been full. They have been the most beautiful years of my life. I hav found that working hard towards my goals is overwhelmingly rewarding and today, I would not change my life for anything.

If you are in the midst of battling addiction, or you are at the beginning of your recovery journey please know that you CAN do this. If someone like me can do it- someone who believed that she would be dead by the age of 25- then you can too! Do NOT give up!

Life will always be life. Difficult, frustrating, heartbreaking, stressful. Life is not what gets better. YOU get better. And once you do, you begin to see that life much more than a collection of negative experiences. It is also beautiful. Fulfilling. Rewarding. And most of all, precious.

-K

07/27/2023

It’s both mind blowing and gift that addiction affects us all so similarly. Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke, and others like a godsend. Earlier today I felt like I was talking to a younger version of myself. The déjà vu I felt was strong.

In response to me asking about his experience, he told me, “well, I dont think I’m ever going to use again. I know I don’t want to.” Once I processed the words, my heart broke for him. I wish, so badly, that saying those words was enough. Hell- I wish wholeheartedly believing those words was enough for us to never stick another needle in our arms again. But it’s not.

Those words weren’t enough when I began losing my friends and family. They weren’t enough when I became homeless and woke every morning believing I’d have to have my fingers and toes amputated from the freezing cold. They weren’t enough when I had a beautiful baby boy growing in my belly. They weren’t enough when I held that same beautiful little boy in my arms after he was born. And they weren’t enough when I was in the ICU hooked to several machines with sepsis and staff in my heart. Even at death’s door… they were still not enough.

It took so many years of pain, insanity, and grief to understand how absolutely all-powerful my addiction was. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to stop or how many times I told myself I’d never do it again. Until I surrendered, that day always came. And when it did, I was Ill equipped to stop it. I had only armed myself with words and desire and not with the tools necessary to be able to follow through on them.

Today I was able to explain this to that younger version of me. I explained it in the hopes that it will save him many, many years of pain where he keeps going back out- telling himself “I won’t use again” or “I don’t want to do this anymore”.

The hard truth here is this: if desire is the only thing you have, your chances of success are almost nothing. Desire without action will always keep us stuck in the same place we have always been. And that place is called pain.

-K

12/31/2022

I know this is a late post, but I simply couldn’t wait. I know some of you know this already, but for those who don’t, today I celebrate 5 years. Yep, that’s right… A whole hand! As this date has drawn nearer, I’ve been reflecting on what my life looks like and everything I’ve built for myself. And although I’ve been through some struggles in the past five years, the overwhelming consensus is that my life is simply a miracle.

I have a beautiful little boy who is going into the second semester of his Kindergarten year. He is so kind and smart- something I would have missed out on had it not been for recovery.

I finished out my first year back in school while maintaining my 4.0 GPA- something that would have been impossible without my recovery.

I celebrated 4 years with the man who believes in me when I don’t believe in myself (yes, even when I make no sense 😂)- someone I would have never met had I not found recovery.

Within the last week, I was issued the highest counseling credential I can hold without a degree. My CRADC- an accomplishment that took over 6,000 hours of hard-work and 300 CEU hours that i was only able to achieve because of my recovery.

About nine months ago I was promoted for the second time at my beloved place of employment-becoming the Director of Extended Care and overseeing 17 of the best individuals I have ever met. Not to mention a boss that I would go to war for. Again- not possible without recovery of my own.

Not to be cliché here but… do you see the common denominator? Because I sure do. Without the recovery I have tended and grown in the past five years, I would have none of these things. In fact, I would most likely be dead. And that is why my life is a miracle ❤️

09/05/2022

It took me a long time to understand that I wasn’t a terrible person because of my disease. I never understood that the words “good person” and “drug addict” could be in the same sentence. Throughout my addiction, I did so many things that caused others to experience extreme pain. I used people in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I took everything from them and left them in the dirt. I lied to them and cheated them. And, at times, it felt like I had no conscience. I was cold. Heartless.

But the truth is that I’m not a bad person. And I never have been. But I have done bad things. And I have to take responsibility over those things today. If I could pick one word to describe what I was in active addiction, it would be “sick”. I was extremely sick, in every sense of the word. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was incapable of making decisions that didn’t cause pain. Because the choices I made, were made by the sickness.

I have always had two voices at constant war with each other. My own voice and the voice of my disease. One tells me to do what is right, while the other wants nothing less than suffering. It whispers words of despair into my ear as I navigate my way through life. And In active addiction, the whispers turned into shouts. Shouts so loud, that I could hear nothing else.

Today, that voice isn’t as loud as it once was. Today, I can hear the voice of my conscience louder than anything else. I no longer feel compelled to listen to my disease. I no longer have to live in the despair of active addiction. I don’t have to cheat people. Lie to them. Steal from them. Control them. Hurt them. I no longer have to cause pain and chaos. Today, I don’t have to question whether or not I’m a good person. Because I know that I am. And on top of that, the sickness no longer controls me.

-K

05/09/2022

Holidays such as this are not always easy for those of us with the disease of addiction. And because of that, I need you to know that you are not alone.

TO THE MOM IN RECOVERY:
I cannot tell you just how proud I am of you. I see and acknowledge each and every thing you had to do to be where you are now. I remember every day at the end of my active addiction… Telling myself that my son would be better off without me. Telling myself that I couldn’t possibly have anything of value to add to his life. But every day that passes shows me just how wrong I was in thinking that. Sometimes our disease tells us that we are incapable and unworthy. Especially of our children. But you need to know that your children do NOT see you that way. Because to them, you are the most valuable thing in the world. If anything, I hope you know that in your heart.

TO THE MOM THAT IS FIGHTING FOR HER KIDS:
Please know that you are not alone. I know that it is so easy for us to feel as if we don’t deserve to be acknowledged on this day… But we do. The reality is that we are not replaceable in our children’s lives. So please, keep fighting for them. Keep making those court dates. Keep passing those drugs tests. Keep doing all of the things everyone said you couldn’t do. Because I promise, it will be worth it. And when your little ones grow older, they will see everything you did to fight for them. I can think of no better way to say “I love you”.

TO THE MOM THAT IS STRUGGLING TO FIND RECOVERY:
I know exactly how this feels. At the very end of my active addiction, I returned to use and left my son with my parents. I was filled with so much shame I didn’t know what to do with it. I was completely debilitated by my own self-hatred and fear. I felt as if the love I had for my son should have been enough for me to never stick another needle into my arm… But it wasn’t. I felt weak. Purposeless. Hopeless. But I was not alone in feeling that way... And neither are you. More than anything, I was standing in my own way. I didn’t believe that I was redeemable. That my actions were forgivable. But I was wrong- like so many before me. The reality is that your babies need you. I don’t care if they’re 2, 14, or 25. They will always need you. It may take some time for them to heal- just as it will you. But they will always love you. So take that next step before it’s too late. Do not allow your shame to be a barrier.

TO THE MOM THAT IS STRUGGLING AND PREGNANT:
It. Is. Never. Too. Late. To. Get. Help. I’m going to repeat that again just to be sure… It is NEVER too late to get help. I know it is so much more complicated than “just stopping” because I lived it. But there are resources out there for you and your little one… Whichever direction you need to go in. You are NO LESS of a person (or mom) for seeking the help that you need. If you feel stuck and are unsure where to start, please reach out. We suffer when we stay silent. And in this circumstance, our baby does too.

TO THE MOM THAT LOST HER CHILD TO AN OVERDOSE:
I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through on this day every year. But I need you to know that you are loved… And so is your child. I need you to stop asking yourself “what if I had done this…” or “what if I had said this…”. It is unfair to put that on yourself. You did the absolute best you could in an excruciatingly painful situation. It is not your fault. I wish that addiction came with a manual that told us how to get through it. How to save everyone. It would certainly save us from this level of heartbreak and pain. If you are reading this, please know that your child lives within you ❤️‍🩹

No matter which category you fall under in this post, you must know: you still deserve love on this day (as you do every other day). It may take some time for you to agree with that statement, but it is true. We live with the disease of addiction. And with some hope, support, and faith we are capable of being the mom we have always wanted to be. The mom our children deserve ❤️

-K

05/07/2022

It has been forever since I’ve posted last! It seems like life is just flying by these days. I’ve had quite a few people ask me recently if I’m ok because I haven’t been as active. And the answer is yes! Just busier than all get out!

As many of you know, this year I decided to go back to school and begin the journey of becoming a therapist. I took 9 credit hours on top of my full-time job and other responsibilities such as my recovery and son. But we are nearing the last week of the semester and I am excited to say I should be on here more when it ends!

But even when the fall semester begins, I need everyone to know that I am ALWAYS here if you need help or a friend. You don’t have to suffer in silence ❤️

12/17/2021

Life Doesn’t Change

I have to continuously remind myself that I am not the same person navigating life as I was almost 4 years ago. Not only was I incapable of making it even 24-hours without using, but I was incapable of living. I had no idea how to be responsible, accountable, honest, humble, or of service. And because of that, my life was a nightmare.

My life wasn’t a nightmare because I was a victim. It was a nightmare because of me. Everyone on this planet experiences pain- not just me. We all go through times of need and times of grief. We all have felt lost and we all have fear. But the difference is that I could not process that pain. I could not let it go.

My natural, gut response was to ignore the pain. To shove it down so far that I could pretend like it didn’t exist. But there is no place inside my mind that could effectively disguise it. It simply festered and grew. And instead of processing that pain in present time, I was using to numb pain that had been there for years.

Eventually, my entire life was pain. My existence consisted of needles, homelessness, and He**in, despair, hopelessness, and loss. And at the end of the day, I would have told you if I could ‘just stop using’ that everything would get better. Everything would fall into place and the pain would disappear. But I was wrong. My addiction was not the cause of my pain… I was. My inability to live life on life’s terms is the reason why I sought drugs in the first place.

The lesson to learn from this is simple. It is not life that changes when we find recovery. Life doesn’t become perfect when we put down the drugs- I’d be lying if I said that it did. The reality is that we will still feel pain. There will be days that are difficult and trying. We will lose some of the people that we love and we will get hurt. We will get stressed, angry, and anxious. Our lives will continue to move on at what feels like the speed of light.

What does change… is us. Our ability to get through those things is what changes. We learn principles like honestly, patience, understanding, and forgiveness. We strive to be selfless and loving. We focus more on serving others than we do ourselves. Our perception drastically changes. And we find our strength.

The pieces of our spirit are pieced together, one by one, until we are whole... Until I was whole. And once I was whole, there was absolutely nothing life could throw at me that would warrant me sticking another needle into my arm.

-K

11/18/2021

I know that I haven’t necessarily done life traditionally. But I wouldn’t change this for anything in the world. This week I went to my college campus to get my student ID and parking pass. I took my mom and son with me for support (and because im directionally challenged 😂). As I was getting my picture taken, my son said “I WANT TO BE IN THE PICTURE!” So of course, I let him. I’m grateful for the employee who didn’t tell him that it only got my shoulders and head in the frame.

Recovery is such a blessing. For so long I was such a terrible role model. I was someone that had lost all sense of reality. I had lost my dreams, my goals, and my drive. I never even expected to live past the age of 25. Yet here we are.

Recovery has reshaped me into the person I was always meant to be. A person with empathy, compassion, and ambition. A person that strives to do and be better. Professionally and personally.

And today, I am finally the type of role model I want to be for my son. I want him to know that change is possible. I want him to look at me and say “wow, if mom could do that then I can definitely do this!”

So here we are, at the beginning of the next chapter of our lives and I could not be more grateful ❤️

10/27/2021

If there’s anything physical left over from my active addiction, it’s my scars. I used to be incredibly embarrassed of them. I felt as if every time I wore a short sleeved shirt, people would stare. And I was partly right... I’ve caught quite a few people looking at them. Judging me. But honestly, there wasn’t a way around it. They stood out like a sore thumb, especially in the beginning of my recovery. A long line of track marks leading all the way up my arms. A large portion of pure scar tissue, screaming out “LOOK AT ME!!!”

But as time went on in my recovery, I realized something important. The only reason I felt embarrassed when others judged me, was because I judged me too. My scars were a constant reminder of every mistake I ever made. A reminder of every time I tried to stop, but couldn’t. A reminder of every poke, and every drop of blood. And a reminder of how weak I was.

But the reality is that I am not weak, nor am I a bad person. I spent years of my like tearing into my flesh to cope with my misery. And in the process of doing that, I simply made more. I had to find a way to make peace with the things I had done. A way to understand that I didn’t need to constantly replay my mistakes over and over again. A way to believe that I was worth more and deserved better.

And as time passed, I found the forgiveness I needed to dissolve the pain. I found the acceptance I needed to remove the embarrassment. And I found the willingness I needed to move forwards and never back.

Now, when I look at my scars I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude at the fact that I don’t have to live that way anymore. Gratitude at the fact that I don’t mind if someone else judges me for them. Gratitude at the fact that I know I deserve better. Gratitude at the fact that I’ve grown so much. And gratitude at the fact that I found serenity.

Not only did I find the strength to live, but I also found the desire. And now, no matter what happens, I know that I will NEVER have to stick another needle in my arm again.

-K

08/26/2021

Have to, Want to, Get to

By the time I made it into treatment for the last time, I was completely and utterly broken. I started out by doing the things others were telling me to do because I knew that I had to.

Things like going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, living the principles, and giving back through service.

I had plenty of experience believing the “wants” of my disease. The thoughts that told me that I could do it my way. The ones that said I could do it on my own. But the desperation I felt had finally driven me to act differently.

So I began to do the work out of necessity. I knew that if I didn’t take the suggestions, that If I didn’t do the work, the obsession would consume me again. So I did it because I had to.

But after some time passed, my concept of recovery changed. My concept of life changed. I realized that I was no longer taking those suggestions because I had to. I was doing it because I wanted to.

My eyes were opened and I saw what recovery was giving me. Miracles on miracles that I never thought were possible. I saw the ways in which I was changing. And, ultimately, I was becoming a person I could actually love.

As even more time passed, my concept of recovery continued to change. And again I realized that I was no longer putting in the work because I wanted to.

Recovery is a gift. And even though I will forever need and want it- the reality is that I GET to do it.

Today I GET to take those suggestions and be of service to others. I GET to live by the principles. And because of that I GET to heal, grow, and live.

But most importantly, I GET to be in recovery.

And for that, I will forever be grateful ❤️

-K

06/30/2021

By the end of my active addiction, I no longer wanted to be alive. I knew, wholeheartedly, that it was the only way for my pain to end. I had tried and failed so many times to get clean that I was convinced I was incapable. I thought that my parents would be better off without me. At least then they’d only have to grieve once instead of the constant knife in the gut they felt everytime I went back out. And more than anything, I thought that my son- my beautiful little boy- would have a better chance at life if I wasn’t in it.

I thought that was my truth. If you had asked me 3 and a half years ago whether or not I would be here today, I would have said “hell no”. But I was wrong. And thank god I was.

The hopelessness, despair, and loss created the bridge that I needed. I finally reached a point in addiction where I was willing to do the one thing I had never done… And I surrendered.

I let go of everything I thought I knew. I let go of my pride and ego. I let go of my guilt and shame. I let go of the preconceived notions I had about myself and others. I became teachable and learned that my truth was the exact opposite of everything I ever thought it was.

I was strong and not weak.
I was loved and not alone.
I was valuable and not worthless.
And, above all else, I was capable. So incredibly capable.

So here I am… Celebrating three and a half years. Telling myself that I’m so grateful to finally know my truth. So grateful that my pain ended. So grateful that my parents never had to bury their only child. And SO grateful that my beautiful little boy will NEVER have to explain to anyone that he lost his mommy to drugs.

-K

Heroin to Heroine

08/21/2025

07/27/2023

12/31/2022

09/05/2022

05/09/2022

05/07/2022

12/17/2021

11/18/2021

10/27/2021

08/26/2021

06/30/2021

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