11/22/2025
This Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all the holidays that should feel warm and magical, they’re all our second ones without Emmett. And that alone makes my throat swell, my chest ache, and my stomach sink.
It’s already almost two Christmases without him. Two Halloweens. And even though it’s only been that long, it will soon be officially more holidays without him than we got with him. We got one of each season and holiday except his birthday with him and I will forever be grateful for those. Even back then I couldn’t believe we seen one of each season from the 7th floor heart center. I took a picture overlooking forest park to show him one day how much everything changed while we were all there together. It never crossed my mind that everything would turn out like it did. But the thought that one day I’ll be saying it’s been five years… ten years… fifteen years… it’s still just absolutely devastating. I’m barely getting through life second by second, minute by minute. I can’t imagine thinking about all the months or years ahead when the truth is still the same, my baby isn’t coming back.
And then there’s the part no one prepares you for, the permanence of death. I don’t let myself think about it often because it’s too big, too heavy. Most days I just survive in tiny pieces of time second by second, minute by minute, day by day. I can’t bring myself to think any farther than that. There are still days where it feels like he’s just in St. Louis and I can’t be there yet. Like he’s still here, just waiting for me, even though I know I would always be there if he were. Then there are days where it feels like I haven’t rocked my baby or held his hand or read to him in months… but nothing feels like years. Thinking of forever almost makes my heart stop. Thinking of so many years without seeing him grow absolutely tears me apart.
What hurts the most is knowing all the things he’ll never get to do. He’ll never dress up for Halloween. He’ll never open Christmas presents. I’ll never get to make two Valentine’s Day boxes for school, only one. These holidays will always be missing someone. Someone so big and so important. Always.
We lost half of our entire world. Half of everything we knew. Half of everything. And I don’t think there will ever be a holiday that feels completely happy again, because how could it? How could I ever feel pure joy knowing Emmett should be here for all of it?
There isn’t a word big enough for what this season feels like. And I don’t know if there will ever be a time when it doesn’t feel like this, because he should be here. Our sweet Emmett should be here.💔🐌
