05/12/2022
I think many can relate to this. So profound and powerful. Good read!
Sometimes I think we need to take stock of the ways in which we place undue pressure onto ourselves around who we are.
So many of us in the neurodivergent community are in the process of 'healing'. Healing from trauma, healing from intergenerational unidentified neurodivergence and the strain this has put on our families for centuries.
We are reparenting ourselves and perhaps parenting neurodivergent children, in ways that position us as cycle breakers. This means that we are navigating something different, something wholesome; new territory, new terrain.
With this comes incredible scrutiny, and often a new kind of strain on our families and new trauma.
With each generation comes less of the past trauma, and some of the new trauma.
AND, it's still healing. It's still cycle breaking. It's still better.
If we get to bring even 1% change to our coming generations of neurokindred, then we are doing it right.
When I reflect on the thirty odd years I sat in self loathing, self rejection; continuing on all the abuse and criticism and judgement and disapproval born from the trauma of my unidentified ancestors, I can still feel that pressure I placed on myself.
I had become an unwilling, unknowing participant in continuing the cycle of internalised ableism, and therefore, latent ableism and discrimination.
It seeped into my parenting. It showed up in my relationships with others and my relationship with myself. The way I treated and considered myself-a broken version of a member of a neuronormative society.
I read self help books, went to therapists, tried different faiths and denominations, went on retreats, cut my hair, changed my diet, went to different doctors and healers and even clairvoyants to try and figure out what the hell was 'wrong' with me.
Pressure. Insurmountable, spirit killing, soul crushing, identity erasing pressure.
Today, I see this same pressure show up in my quest for healing.
I consistently and consciously remind myself that healing is not a destination. It is the balm of self love, self compassion and self forgiveness.
Healing is showing up as I am. It is embracing and celebrating myself. It is shifting away from that which no longer serves me. It is being courageous and accepting that no two days will be the same on this new pathway.
Healing is not a race against time, and it doesn't erase experience or memories. It also doesn't erase my neurodivergence. I will always be disabled. And my healing is in the radical acceptance of this.
How can I build my life to be aligned with my true spirit? My true being?
Healing is knowing and understanding that there isn't a right or wrong type of human. There is only human.
Healing is reminding myself of my self loathing quest for neuronormativity for over thirty years and not recreating this under the guise of healing from trauma.
Love to us all. We really are more than enough.
KF x
