06/11/2018
The 2018 AASWIPE 25 Benediction by The Honorable John Huffman
Twas the nite before AASWIPE
And all through the house
No family was stirring
Not even the spouse
The golf clubs were cleaned
By the car trunk with care
Golf shirts were packed
He was ready to be there
He retired to the bedroom
She said is that you honey
He mumbled yes it’s me dear
She replied don’t forget to leave money
I’ve shopping to do
Nordstroms half-yearly sale
I preshopped the sale racks
Three days and no Male!
He thought to himself
If she’s happy , I’m fine
Beats carping about me stinkin’
And the golf and the wine
Three days with my besties
No women to bitch
Just guys with bad odor
And some with jock itch
As he fell off to sleep
He recalled the festivities
Of prior As****es
And all the reveries
In 25 years
there have been some doozies
A beer soaked brain
Barely ‘members those boozies
Bachelorette parties
Too many to count
but several stick out
As special to flaunt
The author recalls
the Wipe of his divorce
When babes were a plenty
Feeding him jello shots, no remorse!
One year there were the presenters
Over dressed for the occasion
Fresh from the fancy Party
Miss Inland Empire beauties, all visions
Old Crouse took the cake
For grossing out us all
Brown streaks ‘tween his butt cheeks
Sh****ng crazy while hitting balls
The Most parched competition ran wild
Spurred on by Fred’s warning
“You can’t drink all day
If you don’t start in the morning”
From Stonehenge to Oak Creek
Each nine holes they were at
Looking for balls
And posing with Butt Crack.
That’s One bitch of a hole,
The Slope , sand and big trees
A quick prayer as you step up
Maybe the little boy tees?
There was Mexico one year
Our international try
Barely One lobster for 4 men
And a scorpion for your pants fly
One nice nine and two sh*tty
A gem and two litter boxes
One fun to play
And two for your kitty
Kenny wells takes the cake
His wedding vows he did make
At stonehenge one glorious day
We’ll probably read
His last rights and his deeds
As he’s buried there
For his final lay
Old Brewer grew fond
of that ugly green jacket
still with the price tag
he’ll never forget it
Old dougie gets stranger
with most passing years
the booze gets him going
with grins ear from ear
The Polands set records
for jokes all around
the laughter when playing
sure does abound
The best one for me
Was the putt that kept on running
Dennis said if it don’t stop in 4 hours
To the doctor get going
Old Jeff was too out there
To return to the fold
After trashing the party room
With Lamps in pieces I”m told
And huffman keeps praying
with each passing year
That cross won’t again spit down his neck
And lick his cute ear
John Pinto takes money
From me and my honey
every time he stops up to the tee
and super friendly Tran Pho
complete our group
our own asian contingency
Glow ball stick men
Morphed into other play
It’s seven at seven
Duck and cover! All say
Self appointed exec committee
We all owe our thanks
For counting the strokes on fingers
and thinking up pranks
If you name wasn’t mentioned
IN this clever invention
Keep smiling and do not be sad
ON the scale of perversion
at least in this version
you’re really just not that bad
For 25 years
it’s been quite a show
It’s all been good fun
For very small dough
So now it’s on to 30!
Let’s not stop now!
or 40 or 50
we’ll never know how
Many times we can meet
and eat drink and make merry
Let’s go for many more
My good friends don’t tarry
Sign up now says Sir Greg
Bring more, let’s all play
For if I can walk I will be there
We always will say.
Aaswipe Prayer of Protection
Let us bow our heads in reverence, even you f’ing atheists.
Dear lord, please bless this band of merry golf seekers on this, our 25th journey of fun and mild mayhem.
May their golf shots be pure , considering the deplorable state of their golf souls, may their intentions be
at least close to honorable.
Please let there be no animals harmed in connection with this activity, considering Californias’ liberal crappy laws, that no wayward shot beheads local small rodents, that no mis guided cart driving results in permanent damage attributable to this group.
For those out of state misfits, Miscreant Jerry wants you to turn in your straws at the door or risk prosecution
If in your infinite wisdom some actual good golf be played, let the recording of the scores be accurate as inspired by the heavens above , and not inspired by the ghosts of those poor sh*tty golfers no longer in attendance that are rotting in hell.
In your name, we are grateful for those few moments of greatness we all seek. Amen. Pass the Jack Daniels.
