Refuge Counseling

06/13/2022

11/25/2021

Happy Thanksgiving!

05/27/2021

The healthiest relationships are between two healthy individuals.

Don’t think about your partner for a minute. Just think about yourself:

Are you secure enough in yourself, to be a place of security for your partner when she needs it.

Have you sorted through your own triggers, negative attributions, overwhelming emotions?

Are you willing to accept responsibility for your contributions to the negative cycle you’re in?

Have you come to terms with your own story - the lens through which you interpret your partner’s behavior?

Are you willing to reorient your life, attention, time and energy toward your partner and relationship even at the cost of other commitments?

Do you commit to learning new skills, finding new resources, practicing new habits that will make a difference?

Have you figured out how to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs in ways that are likely to be heard? Have you figured out how to listen to your partner in ways that make her feel heard?

Are you willing to be gentle with your partner - kind, compassionate, patient and understanding?

You can’t change your relationship by trying to change your partner. You change your relationship by taking individual responsibility for your steps in the dance and by expecting your partner to do the same.

Two partners who are willing to be attentive to these questions as individuals are in a good position to start to work together on what can make a positive difference in the relationship.

The only alternative is blame, resentment, emotional distance. And that’s not a great foundation for a healthy relationship . . . or a healthy individual.

12/30/2020

“Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.”

11/21/2020

Some thoughts on relationship communication:

If your primary goal in relationship communication is agreement, you will be left feeling resentful, frustrated and deprived at least 50% of the time. Agreement is a terrible goal in relationship communication.

Instead, make it your primary goal to emotionally connect with your partner regardless of agreement, to hear your partner, to seek understanding, to see your partner’s pain, to empathize with and validate your partners thoughts, feeling and needs. To be with your partner, on your partner’s team, keeping no score of who’s perception is “right” or “wrong”.

None of these require agreement - they’re better than agreement. And by focusing first on these things, you put yourself in a position in which you will be more likely to compromise, to explore a negotiated settlement or to accept influence from your partner on how they see things.

Agreement is nice, but it’s not the goal. Emotional connection and understanding are the goals. If you focus on these first, there’s no problem a relationship can’t confront together, agreement or no agreement.

09/04/2020

Exciting news! Beginning October 1, Refuge Counseling will be in-network with Blue Cross Blue Shield.