Shanna Donhauser, LICSW

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Shanna Donhauser, LICSW

Child and family psychotherapist serving families in Seattle WA. Happy Nest is a therapy space for children and families facing challenges in their lives.

Specializing in parenting, couples transitioning to parenthood, and young children struggling with transitions and varying challenging behaviors. Happy Nest specializes in services for very small children and their families, including, but not limited to support around:
- Divorce/separation
- Trauma (medical, physical, witness, etc.)
- New siblings
- Adoption
- Foster care
- Abuse
- Challenging behaviors (aggression, prolonged tantrums, withdrawal, etc.)
- Perinatal Mood Disorders
- Parenting/co-parenting
- Life transition challenges (a big move, disruptive event, etc.)
- Marital/couples counseling

02/12/2021

Putting down screens can be hard. Let's unpack how screens can negatively impact your health and wellbeing and what you can do about it instead.

01/12/2021

One of the best things you can do for your mental health and your general wellbeing is prioritize sleep. Humans need sleep like they need to eat, drink, or breathe. Sleep helps us feel refreshed, energized, and able to cognitively function. Without sleep, our brains start to break. We can literally have mental breakdowns due to lack of sleep. Different seasons of your life will challenge your ability to sleep. Hormones, medications, stress, and drugs can all impact our ability to sleep well, and therefore, our ability to function well. The best place to start is often the beginning. Make sure you have good sleep habits as a foundation and you can weather the storm of the occasional interrupted z's. And if you have children, these tips also help young humans:

1. Set a regular wake up and sleep time. Our bodies develop natural alarm clocks fairly easily. After a week of a regular schedule, your body's rhythm will adapt.

2. Predictable routines/rituals. Children especially benefit from a regular bedtime routine. But studies show that adults benefit from these rituals too. Create something that makes you smile and puts you in a good mood.

3. Time and environment. Give yourself time each night to decompress. 30 minutes is ideal. And set up your room and bed in a way that is comfortable for you. You spend a lot of time sleeping. Make sure you're comfortable.

4. Unplug from screens and turn down the lights. Humans eyes are very sensitive to stimulation, especially with bright lights. Avoid scrolling at night and turn down the lights. Your body and your brain needs a second to relax.

5. Pick sleep. When in doubt, prioritize sleep. Your body will thank you for resting and you can reschedule many connection moments for waking hours.

6. Make a plan. Don't let sleep issues become chronic. Intervene early and make a plan. Keep trying until something works.

Do you have good sleep habits? What do you think you need?

23/11/2021

There are many benefits to gratitude. And the best thing about developing a daily gratitude practice is that is takes less than five minutes a day. One of the best ways to build a gratitude practice is to stack it to an everyday event or task, like brushing your teeth or taking a shower. Try practicing gratitude every day this week and see how it impacts your mood.

22/11/2021

The holidays can be a joyful and stressful time. Spending time with your family of origin can be challenging, especially if you're working on reorganizing your attachment strategy. Going into family events with the right expectations and some coping skills can really help.

Take the time you need to prepare yourself. And try to see challenging moments as opportunities for you to practice how you want to be in your relationships.

19/11/2021

Unpacking strategy: A6: Self Reliant.

A6 is a very adaptive strategy in many contexts, particularly in pioneer and former pioneer cultures. The primary function of A6 is to develop competency to survive independently and dismiss the need for connection with others in order to avoid rejection, abandonment, and danger.

Like other complex strategies, A6 develops in later life, usually adolescence. A6 relies on independence, something that is only truly possible with some level of competency and maturity.

There are two forms of A6: social and isolated.

The social form can create relationships, even be married, but avoids deeper intimacy. In relationships, A6 can actually be very engaging and sociable, but you never really truly *know* them. The isolated form of A6 withdraws from all potential relationships to ensure safety. Withdrawing from true intimacy helps someone using A6 feel safer (limits danger) but limits protection from others and comfort.

A6 is sometimes paired with other strategies, including A3, A4, and A5. A6 emerges in the context of significant danger and rejection. Often, parents of people using A6 were absent physically or emotionally (or both). Kids growing up in this kind of environment learn to adapt by becoming self-reliant and competent in caring for themselves.

A6 is often a revered strategy, especially in cultures that admire individualism. Those using A6 are often very competent adults. But the cost of this strategy is intimacy and connection. For some, the cost of this strategy reveals itself in a lack of connection with a spouse or with their own children. For others, the cost of A6 is in the lack of reproductive opportunities; they miss out on having children or growing a family.

11/11/2021

The ultimate goal of identifying a trauma is to ultimately find resolution. Here are nine signs that indicate trauma resolution. Successful resolution involves ALL NINE. But even one or two is a wonderful accomplishment and an indication that you are on your way to resolving the trauma you've experienced.

Try answering these questions:

1. When you reflect on the experience and think of the danger you experienced as well as your response to it, the goal is to identify information that can help protect you in the future. Think carefully about what you can learn from that terrible experience that will protect you moving forward.

2. Now that you have that information, can you apply it? Can you differentiate between what is actually dangerous now?

3. When you do identify potential danger, do you have a plan for how to avoid that danger or minimize your risk?

4. Can you identify the unique circumstances that no longer apply and put that in the past (i.e., some vulnerabilities in childhood don't exist anymore in adulthood)?

5. Do you have a plan for protecting yourself in case of unavoidable danger?

6. Can you accept the changes that have happened to you because of the danger that you faced in the past? Can you accept the loss of your innocence?

7. Can you transform intense singular emotions (fear) into more complex emotions (sadness, regret, acceptance, etc.)?

8. Can you accept the uncertainty of life? Can you enjoy other things in life while preparing for danger?

9. Can you find any redeeming outcome to what you experienced?

These questions can serve as a baseline, a check-in, to see how well you are integrating or resolving a traumatic experience. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. And stay focused on resolution, not safety.

10/11/2021

Attachment strategies and trauma responses both emerge as a response to danger. But they are different. Attachment strategies are adaptive because they help protect you organize around the threat/danger in your ordinary life. Trauma responses emerge in the face of extraordinary dangers or threats to your life or the life of your caregiver, including death. Trauma responses are either adaptive or maladaptive. Let's explore that here:

Broadly, trauma responses fall into one of two forms: preoccupied or dismissed.

Preoccupied responses focus on too much irrelevant information that doesn't protect you from the same kind of danger in the future. For example, if you were in car accident and you focus too much on the clothes you were wearing that day, the food you had for breakfast, the change in your routine, etc. you are likely focusing on irrelevant information when it comes to avoiding a car accident in the future.

Dismissed responses focus on too little information, disregarding important information that could protect you. For example, if you were in a car accident but you ignore the icy conditions and poor visibility that led to the crash, you might not take action, like getting snow tires and changing your headlight; things that could actually help you avoid a similar car accident in the future.

There are conditions under which the preoccupied and dismissing responses are adaptive. They exist in all humans for a reason: sometimes they help us.

If a dangerous event is confusing and it's likely to reoccur, preoccupying trauma responses can help focus our attention to sorting out how the danger emerged, what important things can help us identify similar kinds of danger in the future, and what do to now to avoid or prevent that danger.

If a dangerous event is highly predictable and you can easily protect yourself, and it's rare, then dismissing trauma responses can help refocus attention on the things that matter in your life because you don't have to worry about unlikely events.

Life is unpredictable and we will all face danger and death. How we manage and make sense of that danger shapes whether or not we can resolve the trauma we experienced.

25/10/2021

Getting into more strategies with A1: Idealizing.

A1 operates by minimizing or dismissing negative emotions (anger, sadness, fear) and focusing on meeting others' expectations to generate positive emotions.

As children, those who develop the A1 strategy typically had protective and mostly supportive parents. However, when they had negative emotions (especially in objectively safe situations like daycare or doctor's visits) they were scolded or punished by their parents. They learned to keep those negative emotions to themselves AND quickly forgot or minimized their parents' negative response. Children using A1 also learned to anticipate expectations so they could cooperate better. They were obedient, "easy" children.

As adults, those who use the A1 strategy are predictable, reliable, and independent. They are good employees and friends. The A1 strategy is a very useful and functional strategy in many situations where containing emotions helps you get work done. However, those using A1 can also struggle in intimate relationships.

The A1 strategy makes others one dimensional, impossibly perfect. Without flaws or limitations, people become flat. And those who use the A1 strategy can also become flat. They work really hard to be perfect. And, on the surface, they succeed. But they seem to lack the flaws that make us all human. It's really hard to build intimacy with someone who seems perfect, or who thinks you're perfect when you're not. Idealization becomes the barrier to deep, intimate connection.

Do you see yourself in the A1 strategy? Maybe you've used it before or now. Do you recognize this strategy in others? Does it make sense to you? Ask me questions!

21/10/2021

Type C strategies organize around unpredictability, dangerous or intense intrusions, and a need for alertness.

How do Type C strategies function?

- Anger is an important motivating emotion. The odd numbered C strategies amp up anger to maintain engagement, attention, and focus on themselves.
- Too much anger can lead to frustration or burnout for others. So to balance out the amped up anger, Type C strategies also involve "fawning" behaviors.
- The even numbered C strategies amp up vulnerability (desiring comfort and/or fear). This draws others in to rescuing or comforting them.

Type C strategies function well in organizing the external world through intense emotions of anger, fear, and comfort seeking. A child using Type C strategies becomes the center of attention. Their big emotions draw others in and guarantee some degree of protection or attention. Those who develop Type C strategies don't use this strategy intentionally or maliciously. Their brains organized around the dangers they faced and adapted the dynamic Type C strategy to create some order. By creating chaos, they prompt others to create order.

People who use Type C strategies are usually charming, engaging, creative people. They tend to be fiery and earnest. They feel deeply and long to connect with others.

One tricky thing about Type C strategies is the level of self deception that must occur in order for the strategy to function. The anger and fear feel real and authentic; not amped up or exaggerated. Ignoring the rules seems important rather than willfully breaking a social contract. Balancing out a Type C strategy means learning how to regulate and contain emotions. And figuring out what structures and rules to follow, especially when it's hard.

19/10/2021

Back to attachment theory education this week with some more specific examples of Type A strategies.

These strategies are from Patricia Crittenden's attachment model, the Dynamic Maturational Model of attachment (DMM). The reason I prefer this model is that I think the strategies are specific enough to be helpful without being too granular. And the DMM focuses on attachment across a person's development, with consideration of all the different potential impacts on a person's life. YOU are NOT your strategy. You simply use strategies at different stages of your life to help you manage danger and stress.

I've listed the Type A strategies here and I'll post more details next with little vignettes to show how these strategies function. My hope is the help people learn about attachment from this more dynamic model. If you're a student, I hope this helps guide you to wonderful clinical resources. If you're a clinician, maybe this will expose you to a helpful model to understand your patients. If you're a parent, perhaps this will help you reflect on yourself and your experiences in a different way.

Remember that we all use strategies that function. There's no shame to any of these strategies. In fact, higher or more complex strategies are a signal of increasing **danger** not of a person's character.

You may recognize past or current strategies for yourself on this list. Don't judge yourself harshly. Be kind. And remember that you're a survivor.

14/10/2021

Attachment Styles 101

There are three broad categories of attachment styles that are based on the informational processing bias that we develop from infancy to maturity. We learned about the informational processing (see the primer) and the first split: temporal order (when) and intensity (where). Now we can make more sense of the attachment styles A, B, & C.

"Type A" strategies involve a *cognitive bias.* Basically increased focus on temporal order (when) and minimizing intensity (when). This strategy focuses attention on the sequence of events, causality, and one's own behavior. All this focus on "when" problems emerge leads to minimizing or dismissing your own perspective, feelings, and differing thoughts and opinions. The rule becomes: "Do the right thing from other people's point of view and dismiss your own feelings and perspective."

"Type C" strategies involve an *affective bias.* Basically increased focus on intensity (when) and minimizing temporal order (when). Those who develop Type C strategies focus their attention to external and internal triggers that vary in intensity and often end up in a vigilant, activated state, which allows them to monitor for danger and threats. The rule is: "The world isn't predictable, so don't depend on making sense of "when" things happen. Focus on your own cues and pay attention to changes of mood."

"Type B" strategies involve both affective and cognitive information processing. These are the balanced or integrated strategies that emerge from protective and comforting childhoods (naive) or in adulthood from individual effort and/or stable romantic relationships (earned).

Questions? Up next, we'll dive into more details for each type of strategy.

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+13608138587

Website

http://www.happynesttherapy.com/

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