Connecting Couples Therapy

02/21/2026

This is such a great description of the after math of over functioning due to underfunctioning parents. I see this so often in partners who I work with. One person is still over functioning as an adult and exhausted, yet resentful that the other partner isn’t stepping up. A sign of grief and healing needed 💔

One of the deepest layers of over-functioning is that it often begins in childhood, in response to under-functioning parents.

When the adults in your life were immature, chaotic, avoidant, or unable to take responsibility, you learned early that someone had to fill the gap. And that someone became you.

Assuming their incompetence became a form of survival in that environment.

That template formed early: “If I don't step up, things fall apart.”

So when you try to pull back from over-functioning now, it can feel extremely anxiety-provoking (even panic-inducing) because your nervous system still associates stepping back with danger.

On a very deep level, you learned that:
“If I don't carry them, we both drown.”

Something important to recognize in those moments is this:

Whenever you feel the urge to over-function, the little girl inside of you is feeling alone, unsupported, and in survival mode.

In that moment, the adult-you is blending with the terrified child-you.

And from that place, of course you want to step in, fix, manage, carry, and lead.

But every time we over-function from that place, we unintentionally reinforce that: “I'm on my own. Everything is on me.”

For me, part of healing was finally allowing myself to feel the original despair I experienced as a child with under-functioning parents. The sadness, the frustration, the rage.

I remember feeling, as a little girl and teen, that I wish SOME ADULT would step the FU*K up and take care of things rather than expecting me to fill a void that was never my responsibility.

Why couldn't the adults be courageous? Resourceful? Committed to doing the right thing?

Years later I noticed I felt that same deep despair and rage whenever a partner, friend, or colleague would not “step up,” especially after all the over-functioning I had done.
As I began to process the original grief about my parents' immaturity and avoidance, something started to loosen inside of me.

I realized that no amount of over-functioning would have ever filled the enormous gap of maturity, care, and courage that they lacked.

Their gap was never mine to bridge.

Have you read my new blog article yet?
Check it out here: https://www.bethanywebster.com/blog/the-quiet-power-dynamic-that-drives-the-pattern-of-over-functioning/

10/07/2025

Healthy adult boundaries so kids can be kids

Things parents should never share with their kids.

10/15/2023

It’s more important to quell the distress, than to solve the problem if the problem cannot be solved quickly. Put the oxygen mask on

If your partner is in distress, don’t delay in tending to them. Distress states that last too long or are too intense will enter into long-term memory.

If you’re in distress too much of the time, the bad feelings you accrue begin to mitigate the good ones. Over time, your physiology will orient toward a stress reaction every time you see or hear each other.

If unabated, this process can and will take on a life of its own and threaten or destroy your relationship’s safety and security system.

03/26/2023

No greater love like the conviction of being a parent of a child at any age.

Dear daughters,

You'll never get so big that I don't feel it all with you.

I feel your joy when life treats you kindly.

I feel your heartbreak when someone causes you pain.

I feel your worry about school and friends and the big decisions you have to make.

I feel your hopes about what lies ahead.

I feel the weight of your mistakes, even when you don't think I know.

I feel your fear about the state of the world.

And as you grow and poise to take flight, you should know I'll never stop feeling it all with you every step of the way.

I will sit with you in the darkness and make room for you to come home.

I will celebrate your achievements and listen when things don't go your way.

I will hold your hand when you are worried and watch you soar as you take on life.

No matter how big you get, no matter how many years pass by.

Regardless if I am across the world or sitting by your side.

As long as I have breath in my body.

Because you'll never get so big that my heart won't feel it all with you--and take whatever weight off of it I can.

📸: Liz Binder Photography

Words shared with permission from Whitney Fleming Writes

03/26/2023

It’s never about the content. A reminder to dig deeper

11/14/2020

An excellent (albeit long) article on societal and childhood anxiety and the ineffective parental accommodation of such. I highly recommend parents of children age 0-25 read this!

Too many kids show worrying signs of fragility from a very young age. Here’s what we can do about it.

05/03/2020

Key is....CONNECTION

In the research for my book about depression, Lost Connections, I was taught by scientists about 9 different causes of depression and anxiety. How many have you experienced? (I talk about the solutions in the book)

03/28/2020

This is a good one to remember, especially when in close quarters every day!

Everyone has a different social-emotional processing speed. In PACT, we call slow processors “tortoises” and fast processors “hares.”

When it comes to arguments, the hare has an unfair advantage. They can express their point quicker, leaving the tortoise, who is unable to express themself as fast, struggling to keep up.

Intervene by confronting the hare in these situations. They can slow down where the tortoise can’t speed up.

It’s important for hares to see that their advantage is ultimately a disadvantage for both them and their partner. If one partner is always “winning” fights, that means the other’s needs aren’t being met, which will eventually come around to harm the relationship as a whole.

10/23/2019

Connecting Couples Therapy is now a group private practice! We now have both licensed and associate Marriage and Family Therapists!

09/20/2019

We pick partners we recognize. They are similar to our close family or ourselves. If there’s a problem, it’s likely not with who we picked. It’s that we don’t know how to handle each other. Learning your attachment styles, fears, and sensitivities can help you better manage each other.

09/04/2019

This is an important one

05/21/2019

There are certain moments in life where you absolutely have to be there for your partner. No matter what you do, it will be impossible to make up for saying no.

These times include: when your partner is sick, facing news from a doctor, in the hospital, at a family member’s funeral, or celebrating a milestone or achievement.

Do your best to be available whenever they need you, but especially during times like these.