07/05/2020
The Trap of Self Esteem
A quick internet search for “self-esteem” will return a slew of articles that all say that self-esteem is “How we view ourselves” or “How worthy we feel we are.” For decades modern psychology has been touting self-esteem as one of the essential building blocks of “good mental health.”
One author even says that it is perfectly normal for a person’s self-esteem to fluctuate depending upon what is happening in our lives.
Self-esteem is posited to develop when we are children. If we experience mainly nurturing, positive experiences with caregivers and other important people and institutions in our lives we will tend to see ourselves in a positive light. If we experience mostly negative or adverse events at the hands of our family, friends, and teachers, well, we will tend not to be so kind to ourselves.
Since nobody has a perfect childhood, it is expected that we all need to learn to value ourselves more. If we value ourselves too highly, we may become arrogant and condescending. Too lowly, and we are doomed to depression, anxiety, poor relationships, and virtually every other psychological malady that plagues humankind.
If we can just achieve that perfect alchemy of a self-esteem that is “not too high” and “not too low” we will have good psychological health. Of course, as noted above, it will fluctuate depending upon what is going on in our lives.
I don’t know about you all, but this sounds like an awful lot of work for uncertain returns.
Frankly, I wonder if it is even possible to always judge myself in a such a manner. I mean, what happens when I screw up? If I run a red light I’m going to take a dim view of myself as I sit alongside the road waiting for the police officer to bring me my ticket. If I behave perfectly at 100 additional traffic lights will I start to feel better about myself?
This is the trap of Self Esteem. It’s like being on a treadmill. When we rate ourselves as “good” or “worthy,” we feel good . . .even confident. When we rate ourselves as “bad” or “unworthy” we feel depressed or anxious.
Persons with behavioral problems, like the excessive use of alcohol, for example, can find themselves in a real trap here. For example, if I have ruined my relationships, career, and am living on the street as a result of my drinking it is going to be hard to “esteem” myself. More than likely, I’m going to damn myself and continue to drink so that I can feel good about my situation, at least for a little while.
There is a better way.
Instead of chasing after temporary fixes of self-esteem, strive to accept yourself unconditionally regardless of your good or not-so-good behavior.
Work hard to achieve Unconditional Self-Acceptance. View yourself as a fallible human being who makes mistakes even though you do your best to avoid them. Refuse to condition your mental health on comparing your “performance” to some arbitrary standard that you or society have created.
Here are some things that you can do to start on the path of unconditional self-acceptance.
First, identify and root out the irrational demands you place on yourself.
In our American culture of achievement most of us are taught that we are only worthy if we “win.” Winning the “game of life” becomes an obsession. We do our damnedest to succeed in our careers, and then damn ourselves mentally when we have a setback. We work furiously to obtain a prestigious job, rank, or other high honor and then call ourselves a failure if things don’t work out as planned.
It isn’t the pursuit of success that is the problem. It’s telling ourselves that we “must have success” that gets us into trouble.
The universe does not owe us success. Others are not required to agree with or concede us our desires no matter how right or just we think them to be. Instead, we strive, not because we “must have success”, but because we “want to be successful.”
What’s the difference? If I believe that I absolutely have to have something then I will naturally be enraged, anxious, or depressed when I don’t get it.
On the other hand, if I am motivated by a strong desire to succeed, rather than by a demand, then failure, though it be very disappointing, can become a learning experience that motivates me to change tactics or change my goal altogether.
Second, refuse to rate your SELF at all. Refuse to see yourself as inherently good or bad.
Just what is the self, anyway? What is the REAL you? Does it consist of all your hobbies, interests, dislikes, beliefs, bad habits, talents, and physical attributes? How on earth would I even begin to go about realistically rate my self knowing that humans are so complex?
And yet we attempt to do this all the time.
A convicted murderer rejoices in a momentary shot of self-esteem when he wins at cards. He temporarily forgets about the pain and suffering he has caused. His skill at poker helps him momentarily forget the trials and tribulations of a life behind bars.
At some point after he gets up from the card table his temporary sense of self-worth will most likely be displaced by a sense of low worth.
A social worker berates herself when one of her drug-addicted mothers relapses and loses custody of her children. She momentarily forgets her past successes and loses her temporary sense of self-esteem because her whole sense of worth is wrapped up in "success."
Since self-esteem, as Albert Ellis so aptly said, leads to intermittent self damnation, rate your behavior instead of your being.
Rather than see your “self” as “worthy” get in the habit of seeing yourself as human. An imperfect human who sometimes does things very well, and sometimes not so well.
Learn to unconditionally accept yourself as you are. Evaluate your behavior. Strive to change those behaviors you do not like or have the potential for adverse consequences. Enjoy the fruits of the healthy behaviors you engage in.
Just do your best not to confuse what you do with who you are.
By doing so, the above-mentioned prisoner can learn, with hard work, to define himself not as a convict, but as a person who once did something very bad, but can now strive to find meaning as he serves his time. It is possible.
Likewise, the social worker whose client relapsed can learn to stop evaluating herself based on the successes and failures of her clients. Instead, she can see herself as a person who sometimes succeeds with helping clients in their struggles and sometimes fails to help them. She, however, is never a failure, but simply a fallible human being who will go back to work tomorrow and do her best to help keep helping the people on her caseload.
The same is true of you. You are never a failure. You are a person who sometimes fails and sometimes succeeds, just like the rest of us.
Not intended as a substitute for psychological advice. To schedule an appointment with Kevin Benbow, MA LPC, please call 928 329 1040.
