25/05/2025
It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’ve debated on what to say as this day approached. I decided that I’d share a journal entry in a hope that what I’ve been working through, will be what someone else needs to hear. Eli is missed, there are days when we can honor his memory and days when all we can do is just be. Both are important. Yesterday, as Zach and I discussed how we would honor Eli, we settled on just being.
May 24,2025
Grief is funny, I found a tiny sand dollar and smiled. 10 minutes later I accidentally crushed it… and I ugly cried.
Three years, 1,096 days … The more days pass the more I feel like it’s all been a fever dream. I can’t remember certain things yet somehow I remember it all. The pain. The happiness. The moments I wish I would have done more. The moments I let depression steal. I remember the good. I remember Eli’s smile and his laugh. Sometimes I feel I don’t want to remember, I’d rather he be here making more memories. But if memories are all I have, then I guess that will have to do.
I wonder if Eli would’ve loved the beach. If he would laugh at his dad trying to catch crabs. At me for being freaked out when a school of fish passed me.
Over the last year I have really tried focusing on the concept of "be where your feet are", being present in the moment both physically and mentally. We all get caught up in the "what ifs" of life, thinking 5 steps ahead, planning, anxiously worrying about the future and about the past- while these things are sometimes important they can rob us of the joy of being in the moment.
I could go on and on but I want to make sure you get the point, take the opportunity to be present while your life is happening, so that when memories are all you have, you have the most vivid ones.
I leave you with one last thing. Shortly after Eli's passing mine and Zachary Berry favorite band Judah & the Lion released a song "Be Here Now", it is my comfort and my reminder and I share it with you.
https://youtu.be/9usP5oEJ4G0?si=TqINuEo5Np_vf5MU
