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I was inspired to share my story both the good and the bad in Hope's that at least one person learns about mental health or maybe I can reach someone even 1 person feeling like they aren't alone and like there is hope that is a win.

06/02/2020

Went out on leave to challenge dinner, mind was screaming run away, you don't have to eat, no one will know. Than a second of clarity followed by the thought but you will know so i called up my brother and my friend and got them to tell me it will be ok. Though it doesn't feel like it will be ok right now i continue to try remind myself but i did it and this feeling im currently feeling will pass. Repeating the words this to shall pass until eventually it does. F**k anorexia i spent most of today crying because i realized how much this disorder has its grips on me and i am so done letting it. I may lapse but i will never stop fighting.

27/01/2020

Something i hear a lot in treatment and especially while inpatient is people wanting to recover to enjoy life, i dont think that is how it works i think we need to enjoy life in order for us to recover.

20/01/2020

Its been a few months since i posted i felt like it wasn't right because this was about recovery and i had relapsed but i think i have just been to hard on myself. Because sometimes relapse is a part of recovery, relapsing can teach us our triggers, it can teach us many things. I am currently inpatient at an eating disorders ward, i find im always anxious and though i know i have support of the people outside it still feels isolating. Treatment isn't a holiday it is hard work and can get so exhausting. So anyone still fighting i am so proud of you and anyone struggling with finding the will to fight on i believe in you.

19/09/2019

I guess it has been a while since I have made a post but when I do I like to make it accurate to what is happening in my life around that time it makes what I have to say relevant.

But I guess what I can leave everyone with is don't forget to check in on your family and friends, they may put on a brave face but that can be a mask and it isn't always easy to show others what is behind the mask. So even if someone doesn't feel ready to open up just the simple act of being there can go a long way.

09/09/2019

Self care the thing I hide from and say hell no to. But it does have it's uses, for me I find my self care in playing playstation, watching movies, Starbucks and spending time with my friends. By doing these things it helps me clear my mind, calm down when a day has been rough on me. a bit of self care can help improve mental health because generally doing something we enjoy lifts us up, makes us feel better, makes us happy and it doesn't always have to be something you enjoy, self care can be doing things to take off stress for future you such as doing the washing or making that phone call you have been putting off but need to make soon. Self care in all of its forms hold a purpose and helps relieve stress and a stressless mind can be a very healthy mind.

06/09/2019

After a long day today I have found myself exhausted and had to stop and ask myself did I take on to much pressure for me to handle and I guess am I burnt out in this instance no I am just exhausted and rightfully so after going through a big change. The problem is if I am to neglect the exhaustion I am feeling at this instance and allow it to get worse it will quickly lead to burnout which can affect your mental health in a negative way, so it all acts as a domino effect and can easily spiral, if you feel yourself getting exhausted act on it as soon as possible.

05/09/2019

Today marked a major day for myself, shopping can be an extremely anxiety inducing task not knowing if you got to much, not knowing if you got enough, is it following ed rules is it going against ed rules, what if I get it and don't know if I can eat it when the time comes was all that money a waste, It took me a considerable amount of time and a lot of anxiety but I managed to do a lot of shopping today and i would be lying if it wasn't scary or anxiety inducing but at the same time I am proud of myself for taking that leap something I didn't know was possible until I exposed myself to it, did it go well I am not sure, but you can't succeed unless you try.

01/09/2019

Recovery takes work and can be a part time or full time job, it can be emotionally and physically draining because it will take a lot of time and focus, sometimes life needs to get put on hold or slowed down which is ok because we all need to go at our own pace, for me I have had to question how much I can keep studying, how much can I handle before I overload, it is good to be mindful of where we are at and what we can handle because taking on to much can have a reverse effect.

30/08/2019

Though there are many things I plan to talk about I try to keep the relevant to that days experiences, today in group we discussed trying different things to face anxieties. When facing an anxiety provoking situation in honesty you have to do what we all hate hearing and that is to face anxiety head on and push through, which I am sure we have all heard once or twice or a million times, there is much more to that running head on into situations that make you uncomfortable can be like

waking up going for a run and suddenly you hit a brick wall that you cant just walk around the only options are to knock it down and in order to knock it down you would need tools to do this otherwise you can find yourself with no way through. This is what dealing with anxiety can be like or at least my perception of it.

28/08/2019

Exercise it is something that holds a purpose to everyone, it can be stress relief, fun, obviously for health and fitness but how do you know when exercise becomes unhealthy, well there is the obvious in when you exercise more than you consume, when you push your body further than it is capable of, for me I did both but it was also something else when I ran I would be running away from something, when I punched the boxing bag I was angry and fighting my past abusers, exercise stopped being fun and became emotional I had been expressing emotion in an unhealthy way. So yes exercise is good and a great way to deal with emotions it can also become more detrimental and emotionally taxing. So be mindful about why you exercise.

27/08/2019

Well I guess after the news I got yesterday a good thing to talk about is triggers, the word trigger and its variations of triggers and triggered have been treated like a dirty word, I for a long time thought I had no triggers but in reality we all do, a trigger doesn't have to solely be an upset response it can be for a happy response or an angry response we all have them, my negative triggers for example relate to trauma and to talk of behaviours my mind is screaming for me to do. Where it is important to learn others triggers it is more important to learn your own, once you do it can make a world of difference.

27/08/2019

It is always hard to hear that your actions can be triggering to others around you, especially when you try to not he triggering. But I guess the lesson learnt here is to be careful what you say or do because you never know who could be watching or listening and you never know what will or won't make someone uncomfortable and bother those around you.

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