13/09/2020
Thanks for sharing Jai Yoga with Sasha Walsh
https://www.facebook.com/KatInokaiLifeStories/photos/a.1685271964929200/3244515005671547/
Passing as able-bodied is a toxic goal.
For years I struggled to look ‘healthy’. I made hiding my chronic illnesses and disabilities a major focus of each day.
I learned that I was treated differently if no one knew about my health.
If I looked able, I was rewarded.
I was included.
I was given opportunities that I thought I would lose if I revealed my conditions- and when I did finally start talking about diagnoses, using the mobility aids that let me thrive, and sharing my journey, I did lose.
I was too much of a risk.
Having to make things accessible made me too high maintenance.
And I didn’t question it at the time. I didn’t advocate for myself or others, or watch with gratitude as those who discriminated fell away from my life.
I didn’t stop to see how much privilege my disabled body carried.
I felt shame.
I just wanted acceptance. I wanted to be able-bodied. And everyone else just seemed to want the same thing for me. Everyone seemed so invested in my ‘recovery’; I didn’t want to disappoint them.
I didn’t see how hard I was working to ease the discomfort of able-bodied minds. I didn’t see that I was constantly posturing; fawning for acceptance and equality.
I didn’t see the ableism - both external and internalized.
Instead, I learned to downplay things.
I learned to walk the line with my language. I learned that if I talked about ‘healing’ instead of chronic illness, and treated my mobility aids as progress points on the path back to a societal ‘normal’, I was an inspiration.
A hero.
I learned that if I embraced my body and accepted my disabilities; if I loved my mobility aids, my strategies to thrive, and my beautiful life as it is - I made people uncomfortable.
It’s hard to rewire our choices.
There are days that I still catch myself trying so hard to be or act or pass as able-bodied.
But most days I am consciously choosing discomfort.
Because growth lies in discomfort.
Your growth.
Mine.
And when we choose to grow, change is never far behind.