11/03/2023
Eww 💩
S*x is good, and it is for both women and men in a healthy relationship. Guys, this isn’t complicated. If people are engaged in a mutual, reciprocal and respectful relationship, s*x will mirror that. If not, the s*x isn’t the problem.
The book, “Married S*x”, written by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta and published in 2021, includes two chapters, titled “What Gets Him Going” and the other “What Gets Her Going”.
In the “What Gets Him Going” chapter, women are repeatedly told that God actually wired the male brain differently then the female brain — specifically concerning s*xual drive. Though there is no scientific basis for this theory, it has been touted as fact in most Christian marriage books of the last few decades.
Women are told that *quantity* matters more than *quality* for men. Gary pleads with women to be sympathetic to their husband, telling them, “Your husband’s brain cries out for s*x physically in a way that yours doesn’t.”
Again, there is absolutely no scientific basis for this claim. In fact, as much as 30% of women in heteros*xual relationships claim to have the higher drive (and who knows if that number would be significantly larger if female s*xual pleasure was regarded as equally important to male pleasure within evangelical circles).
Gary then moves into a bizarre explanation as to why he believes God “burdened” him with such an insatiable desire. “For our wives to be s*xually available to us they need to be relationally and even spiritually connected with us…My s*x drive was God’s way of keeping me aware of my wife’s relational needs. God’s design is for men to be so s*xually vulnerable to their wives that they don’t neglect them in other aspects of the relationship.”
Soooo, in other words, God gave men high drives so that they would have motivation to not be jerks in every other aspect of the relationship?! 🤦♀️
What about the men who are married to women who have physical limitations? What if her chronic illness prevents them from having s*x regularly? What if she needs six months to heal from an especially difficult birth? With s*x off the table, what motivation could men possibly have to treat their wife kindly?! 😑
Gary then includes an entire section he titles, “A Turndown That Turns Your Husband On”.
Instead of simply saying “no” to their husband, women are encouraged to follow various word gymnastics instead.
His suggestions to alternatives to saying “no” include:
*Ask your husband to attempt to turn you on.
*Say “maybe” instead of “no”.
*Apologize for not feeling well and suggest a later time (and make sure to stick to that!).
*Offer a ha***ob if you don’t feel up for s*x.
*Do your best to predict the days you won’t be able to have s*x and make sure to initiate the day before to give him his fix.
I think Gary could have saved himself several pages here. Here’s my suggestion on how to turn down your spouse:
Spouse: “Hey, wanna have s*x?”
You: “Eh, I’m not really in the mood tonight.”
Spouse: “OK!” 🙂
In a healthy relationship, “no” is not a weapon. It’s not a bullet to one’s identity. You need not be terrified of saying no.
Does constant rejection hurt? Of course! Can it be sinful? Yes. But did you know that a recent study (1. See below) shows that in a healthy, mutually pleasing, mutually cherishing, and mutually respectful relationship, s*xual frequency usually takes care of itself (baring any physical limitations). Instead of telling women to avoid saying “no” at all costs; how about we demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like OUTSIDE of the bedroom?
Gary concludes the chapter by encouraging women to give their husband a “hand job” to help ease HIS burden when she’s too ill to have s*x.
“When a heavy period, pregnancy, or post birth situation makes penetrated in*******se problematic, Alicia is surprised at how grateful Aaron always seems (for a hand job).”
The reader is then given a completely unnecessary, pornographic description on the best way to give a hand job.
This was the section that infuriated me the most. When his wife is too ill to engage in s*xual intimacy, a husband’s priority should be her welfare and helping ease HER burdens by taking on responsibilities that are normally hers. He should make rest as easy as possible for her. He should be offering her emotional support. This is her time to heal, the last thing she needs to worry about is psyching herself up for giving s*xual favors for fear that he will be tempted to cheat unless she performs.
Whew! This chapter is a doozy!! I’m still amazed that Gary has touted this book as an alternative to the toxic messages about s*x that have infiltrated the modern evangelical church.
~ Emily Elizabeth Anderson
1. The Great S*x Rescue by Sheila Gregiore
