29/12/2014
VOLUME THREE: 55
It's just a very few days now, as the sands of the hourglass run down for 2014. And where am I right now? Where is my head at?
EVERYWHERE. Never the same place on the same day, and it's been challenging, to say the least. There are days I am terrified that I may not live to see my 60th birthday. And then there are days that the idea of actually living till my 80th or even 90th, scares me even more. Days that I am fearful that I will die before Bear, leaving him bereft and alone. Days that he will be gone before me, which is even more daunting, because I cannot imagine finding anyone else in this world who will love me as much, let alone love me more than he has. And that definitely includes "family."
Days that I think that all my opportunities have passed me by, and that until the day they pop me into the crematorium, THIS will be as good as it ever gets. And days that I am 110% convinced that next year, when I turn 55, will be the year for me to make the boldest life choices yet.
Which inspires even MORE terror, because of that belief. You see, bold choices never know if they're smart or stupid, and YOU don't really know which kind they are...until you actually MAKE them.
And that brings me to the other dilemma - being bogged down in a quagmire of regret and anguish over the choices I HAVE made, like Atreyu and Artax in THE NEVERENDING STORY. Worse place to spend your days, but never an easy place to leave as much as you'd like to....especially if a health problem leaves you virtually house-bound, until you gather yourself up with enough strength and resolve to say, "This is BU****IT. I AM getting up and getting the F**K outta here!"
And even on the days that I can and do manage it, more kinds of fears are back again about making choices. I know who I love in my life, more than life itself most of the time, but so many of the failed "BOLD" choices of the past have so much to do with trust...or the lack thereof. Fearing trusting people who I thought loved me, or whom I could at least trust to have my best interests at heart, who never did. And yet, I allowed them to council me anyway, and took their advice. Or - and this one is even tougher to resolve - making the choices that were nothing more than gut instinct. Trusting MYSELF to know what was good, what was right, what would WORK vs. what wouldn't, and then having it all come out s**tty.
It's very easy to forgive someone for steering you wrong when they meant well and no malice was intended, or to cut them clean out of your life if they did. But what about YOU, YOURSELF? What is the path to forgiveness for YOU facing up to your own decisions, when they turn out to be wrong and you've put yourself facedown in the mud and s**t, everyone laughing wildly at you and how stupid you look?
I don't know if I will be afforded the chance to sift through all of this...go through the rubble and try to start picking up some whole pieces of my life and begin rebuilding again. But I know that I need to not sit around playing Hamlet, and simply START doing it.
But NOT as a resolution of any kind. We all know how 'well' those usually work out; how long they last. Maybe affirmations. I've always thought them to be a little silly, but never REALLY tried them out. Maybe I could start there...
