27/09/2023
LIVING OFF THE LAND
We live in a weird and wonderful time. We have access to every modern convenience known to man. Contrary to the progress the world has made the last 200 years, the subconscious vibes seem to be telling us we need to go back to simple living. For example, the most recent trend is tiny living. I'm sure you're familiar with the tiny movement. "Family of four lives off the land in converted dumpster". Everything you see and hear seems to be telling us we need to go back to living off the "grid" and have less dependency on technology. ( I doubt we will be relinquishing smart phones any time soon.)
Anyway, we are urged to go back to our roots. At this rate, I expect soon every house will have well water, a victory garden, and a clothes line for the laundry. All this to help improve the environment.
I’m all for improving the environment, really I am, but I’m fed up supporting causes that don’t benefit me in some way. I don't know what marching on the capitol for "the rights of brown recluse spiders" support did for me, but it was a day out, and the bus ride was fun. But no more! I decided to take matters into my own hands and the cause I was going to support was going to be me.
After carefully perusing the newspapers and the Field and Stream magazine, I decided to hone in on the overinflated price for oil heat. I heat is a necessary luxury. But on the other hand also, heat be called just hot air. The moment you open a window there it goes, gone into thin air.
So I thought about the trend to live off the land and to have lower expenses. When I realized I was paying in excess of $2000 a year for oil to heat my home, I decided to set my sights on a way to save money. No more huge oil bills for me. No sir. I knew I had to invest in something practical. Something for me. Something useful that will pay for itself. I knew at that moment, it had to be a wood burning stove. Yes, that’s right just like in the old days. Yes, they will say we seem to be going backwards. But I thought if it was good for my grandpa, well then, it was good enough for me. We have to go back to our roots, right?
Now take it from me, it’s not easy job to go out and buy a wood burning stove. I mean you don’t just choose any old stove and hope for the best. You must approach the purchase from an educational as well as an enjoyable viewpoint.
There were so many to choose from. For example, did you know you can purchase the Ben Franklin model? I’m sure you’re familiar with the Ben Franklin stove, that’s the one with the two glass doors in the front. Or next to Ben on display, was the Abe Lincoln model. That’s the one expressly designed to burn those Brown notched logs. For the political activist in all of us, in the corner almost hidden under the desk, was the Richard M. Nixon model. This one had an extra charge because it came with a built-in tape deck. But with my luck something would surely happen to the tapes.
If you were searching for a sexier model from the political arena, you could choose the William J.Clinton model, dressed in a charming coat of blue fire resistant paint.
Or their newest stove, the Donald Trump model. This oversized model had the largest pot belly, but tended to blowup without warning. I was told it was still in experimental stage.
No, I felt it was more important to be conventional and practical. Off to my left standing alone, I spotted what I thought would be the perfect model. I looked it over. It seemed smooth, solid and sturdy and the price was not too bad at $1995. I decided to buy the Grover Cleveland Wood burning Stove.
Ah Grover, a specimen of warmth and practicality. With arrangements made for delivery, I tried to find the proper location for my new trophy. I rearranged the furniture six maybe seven times, unfortunately the only solution was to get rid of that old black steamer trunk. The one that my great-grandfather brought back from Europe. He always called it his priceless souvenir. Truthfully, I was kind of glad to see it go. As kids, he insisted we come by and shine those brass buckles and oil leather straps for hours. It seems I vaguely remember him saying something about Houdini keeping his secrets in it, or something like that. Anyway that was years ago and it was indeed time for a change.
Everyone has something they do better than anyone else, or at least this is what I was told by the installation people who brought Grover to the house. I don’t mind telling you I was a bit surprised at the cost of installation. To bring my home up to code, I needed a fireproof floor, and fireproof walls, and more insulation. Was I surprised at the cost of assembling Grover? Oh yes, but what price is safety? And more importantly, this was an investment. In a few seasons Grover would pay for himself. I managed to rationalize the $650 for installation and voilà, a new houseguest.
To say I was the talk of the neighborhood is an understatement. I was overflowing with pride for my new acquisition. I decided to introduce Grover by having a few neighbors in. It was fun day in spite of the facts that a few folks stayed on, and I felt compelled to serve refreshments. That was $90 I did not plan on spending, but a great time was had by all and everyone wished me the best of luck. After all, this is the time that we all need to downsize; we all needed to live off the land as much as possible, don't you agree?
That morning,I saw an ad in the weekly paper offering free firewood “yours for the taking” how could I go wrong?
Let me say I try to be very organized. I do the laundry on Friday and vacuum the floors on Saturdays. All the mundane jobs get done before you play. But this weekend was different. To blazes with all of that I thought. Yes, to blazes!
I gassed up my Mini Cooper, my dream car. So efficient, so easy to drive, and it looked great as well. I love that car. I packed a picnic lunch and headed up north to the Woodlands. This was going to be an exciting weekend.
By the way, can you imagine how difficult it would be to cut wood with a hand saw? I met a man at the gas station, and I told him about my new purchase. We talked for a while and he suggested I visit the local outdoor shop. Here, I found a beautiful home life chainsaw on sale. 16 inch blade, guard and case, and the cost, $189.
“Cuts like a hot knife cuts into butter”, the salesman said. Another great investment I told myself. Of course no true woodsman can chop wood in flip-flops. One pair of Timberland boots with steel plates in the toe, $89. Elbow length leather work gloves $49, goggles $ 19.99, rope $34.50. Investments good one time investments I told myself.
I arrived at the site about 1130 AM. The first thing I did was break for lunch. After all, it had taken me three hours to drive here, and my level of excitement was off the charts.
By noon, I was ready to make my first cut. I was fully clad in full battle regalia. I looked about trying to decide which tree I would cut first. The woodland manual lists many types of woods suitable for burning. Oh, May I say that manual was truly a bargain at any price and at $18. 95 I knew I had a bargain. I searched for oak and birch, the most desirable of woods, but to my dismay all I could find was pine and a few maple trees. I had no idea the chainsaw was so heavy but, decided not to waste the day so I cut as much wood as time would allow. It looked like I had the making of a very warm winter.
I never noticed it before but I find they just aren't making car trunks the way they used to. There’s hardly enough room in those cars for my picnic basket much less the 12 six foot logs. The only solution I could think of was to rent a U-Haul. I waited two hours for them to locate a small trailer suitable for my car. To add insult to injury, they had the nerve to charge the ridiculous rate of $256 round-trip or $162 one way. By now I was exhausted. This was not to the time to barter so I paid the $162.
Two teenagers I met in the woods were kind enough to help me load up any no time I was on my way. I tipped them $20 each.
By now I was just about out of energy and very low on patience. Was the whole thing worth it? Had I made a mistake? Well, I had plenty of time to think it over. The ride home would take an extra two hours. No trailers permitted on the parkways. I was finally rolling along at a decent speed when all of a sudden, the rear passenger tire fell off! It was another hour and a half waiting for the service truck. I bought a new tire as I had removed the spare to make room for wood. Service and the tire, $398.
I seriously thought about giving up when I remembered why I got into this in the first place. Live off the land. We have to go back to our roots. Finally, that long anticipated second wind arrived. I looked forward to the warmth that Grover promised me.
The enthusiasm began to mount. My heartbeat quickened as I got closer to my home, just a few more miles. A right turn, two left turns and there in the distance, Grover was waiting. Unfortunately, the one factor I had not taken into consideration was how to unload the trailer.
I must say that in the 12 years that I owned my home, this is the first time I regretted living on top of a hill. However, the idea that in a few more hours I would be enjoining a cozy fire made it all worth it.
There, just another few more logs to go. Maybe I can do it in one trip.
It’s been nearly 3 weeks since Grover came to my home, and two and half weeks since the doctor put this cast on my ankle. He says in no time, I’ll be able to get around without the crutches. He also said because it was such a clean break I was spared the expense of an overnight stay. Thank goodness, I only missed three days of work and I believe I got off rather inexpensively at a cost of $689. It could have been worse. I might have missed a whole week of work.
Well, there’s a lot to be said about living off the land and being a do-it-yourselfer. The grand total for my experience $4524.44. I look at it as an education. You could not learn these things in the finest of universities.
Oh and very good news! I’m very pleased to announce my oilman welcomed me back with open arms, and at the old rate.
And as for Grover Cleveland, well he can go to blazes.
