07/12/2025
Dear Kenny,
My partner and I met each other eight years ago in our late fifties, and have been married for two. Both of us have grown-up children and our relationship is strong and respectful.
We’ve maintained a level of independence that neither of us had in our first marriages: I wonder if we’re cautious of our lives becoming too intertwined in case we get burnt, or if it’s simply maturity.
We’ve kept our finances largely separate and have a complicated will that ensures our own children inherit if either one of us dies; we have wonderful relationships with our stepchildren, but we have got to know them as adults, rather than brought them up.
We’re both approaching retirement age and are fit and well. I realise that I have a very different pension and financial profile to my wife. Her pension is tiny. I want to travel and enjoy my retirement without thinking about money, but realise that if she is to join me this will put a huge financial strain on her. How can we make sure we both enjoy retirement?
Yours, Jonathan B, age 65
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I hear how strong and respectful your relationship with each other is, but I am struck by your fear of being burnt: are you scared to love each other? I think you need to consider how you want to approach retirement, not just the freedom of travelling and having no work responsibilities, but also the ageing side of it. Are you planning on caring for each other as you grow old?
I totally understand your wish for your own children to inherit your money and the provisions you’ve put in your will which means that your stepchildren don’t end up equally sharing the money you’ve spent a lifetime earning. These “complicated” wills are increasingly requested when people meet later in life; they also mean that if, after one of you dies, you or your partner goes on to meet someone else who also has children, they wouldn’t stand to inherit. But your will is your wish for death and very different from your day-to-day spending and how you want to live your life.
It sounds as if you’re very clear about your retirement plans. What are your wife’s plans? Would she ideally like to travel with you or is she more of a homebody? Do your values and needs in your relationship align with each other?
If you share similar dreams, I wonder if you need to reframe the idea of sharing your pension pots. If both you and your wife want to travel, and the only thing preventing her joining you is finances, then buying her tickets isn’t a compromise because you both gain. The pension gap between men and women is often significant, especially if your wife was the primary carer for her children. Does she have a more free-spirited attitude to money than you, while you like to feel in control of finances?
If you each want to have retirements that reflect your own budget, then by extension you’re suggesting that you go your separate ways: isn’t this divorce?
Traditionally, retirement is a time to share and care as you nurture each other through the rest of your lives. If the idea of this feels like a bitter pill to swallow, I think you need to be asking yourself some hard questions to explore whether you’re scared of ageing, which is understandable, or whether you don’t, in fact, want to grow old together.
What happens if one of you gets sick: are you prepared to drop your plans of travelling to look after your wife? What happens if one of you needs the support of a carer: are you committed to being there for each other in sickness and in health? It sounds as if you enjoy each other’s company, but would you both like more of each other’s company? Partnership often becomes a bigger role when work is removed from our lives. I think you need to consider whether you want to prioritise your own independence or the love you have together.
Ageing is often harder for those of us who are fiercely independent because we might not want to feel vulnerable. But you’re about to retire and over the next two or three decades, the chances are that you and your wife, at times, will be vulnerable. Have you spoken about how you want to support each other through those times?
You’re both at a real crossroads in life as you plan to stop working. I recommend that you talk to each other about your futures, taking in both the positive plans and adventures you’d like to have, the community you want surrounding you, volunteer work you’d like to undertake, how much you want to help out your own children, and how you’ll look after each other when it is needed. Much as no one wants to dwell on the harder parts of ageing and face them before they need to, knowing that you are well placed to support each other gives you both the freedom to focus on the present.
I can’t fully shake off the idea that your past experiences, perhaps in your first marriage, have left you scared to fully love again. You’ve sensibly protected your children from any risks, but I wonder whether your retirement fears are about protecting your own heart. Taking a risk and being vulnerable is hard, even with the assurance of your wife’s intentions shown through her choice to marry. The gain, though, is the joy of a deeper form of love. If ever there is a time to be brave, it is now.
The i Paper's Agony Uncle advises a man who's worried about his travelling plans being held back by his wife's lack of money
