24/12/2025
Dear Santa (written many years ago)
The last time you got a letter from someone in our family was 2002 so I thought it was time to update you on a few things. For the first time in 12 years two new things are happening, we are spending the holidays at home and you are allowed to come in the house. Sorry for the first few years that we had to lock the door and not allow you in. A big thank you for finding us at all the hotels and being so gracious with never coming in our room.
Remember the first Christmas Terry was with me and you left the snowy footprints on the stairs? Sorry we made you come in the basement door and leave the presents on the landing. The thank you card for Comet's carrots was nice but for future reference for kids like Terry, it would have been better if you left out the part that said you saw that Terry had been a good boy.
You see, in Terry's birth family, bad things had happened at night and when no one was looking. I'd promised him when he moved in I wouldn't let bad stuff happen and would always be “looking”. Thankfully, back then he could be distracted easily, so I explained away his concerns by saying you saw him only when he was a baby. Don't feel bad though, on any special occasion he had to sleep in my room so I could “watch” him. The Easter Bunny was only allowed in the living room, the tooth fairy had to collect the teeth outside and poor cupid was not even allowed on our street.
Thankfully, you overlooked the tally on his naughty list as it was in the hundreds. For the most part, he had tried his best that first year as he waited for the news of our adoption to go through. I am sure we could both agree that spitting and growling at someone is not okay but it had been the third time his worker had told him that court proceedings might not be done before Christmas.
Sometimes a boy in foster care just needs to punch the other kids when they take his Walkman and bury it in the garden. Then there was the time the principle suspended him for pushing big kids off the snow hill. Terry thought he was protecting the little kids from bullies that were hurting them, he didn't understand this was how kids played. As a payback, I am sure Terry thought it was a good idea to give the principle the laxative candy.
Remember when he wrote his first word using phonetic spelling? I am pretty sure we were the only ones that celebrated that accomplishment. Everyone else got caught up in the details that “fuk” was written on the frosty bus window. I cheered that he was learning phonics.
So you see I am glad you thought he was good. I tried to tell him all his great stuff as often as I saw it in an effort to make up for all the times he was told he was stupid and thrown in the closet for trying to steal food for his sisters to eat or stop his step mom from being hit.
Thanks for leaving the presents in the lobby of the hotels when we couldn't live at home. Did you ever wonder why we were there? Well, when I ran out of money to pay the 24 hour workers that lived with us to help keep Terry from trying to hurt and kill me, we went there. It was cheaper then workers and I convinced Terry that the security staff were always in the hall, so we would be safe.
It almost made me sick to my stomach the first time I had to register us at the Motel 6 in our own town. I couldn't get past thinking, what mother has to go to those lengths just to keep her child calm enough that his rage did not explode in su***de and murder threats?
You must have whispered in the managers' ears because when I explained that we were moving in for a week and needed their help with Santa presents they were always willing to oblige. After a few years we acted like old friends visiting for Christmas. In the most unusual way, we often spread Christmas cheer as the clerks loved it when they called and summoned Terry to the lobby to collect the presents, that you had dropped off before their morning shifts.
I explained to Terry, since they were so nice and kept you out of our room we should thank them for working on Christmas and being away from their families. So, each year after he opened your presents, he would run to the lobby to give the clerks their presents. The first few years his poor speech and excitement confused them and they would call up and ask me what was happening. It has become a family tradition now to give a store or hotel clerk a present on Christmas day. You see another good came from bad.
I guess it really is true, that you can find kids no matter where they are since you found us in London the year Terry was in the psychiatric hospital. At the time, I was sure no good would ever be seen in those circumstances but again another hotel clerk took great delight in helping with the “Santa mission”. When I arrived at the hotel, I was trying to explain to the manager in an easy breezy way what help was needed. He was so kind that it was through tears I explained, I was only allowed to take Terry out of that horrible hospital for 2 days and since we lived so far away we couldn't go home. So, I needed him to hide the trolley of presents, deliver them the next day and most importantly, when I returned with Terry to register he was to act like he didn't know me.
To give Terry extra joy in such hard times, I had convinced him that you wouldn't be able to find us since we were not at the usual hotel. Terry had faith though and sat by the phone for the “call”. When it came, he was dancing around with so much excitement he nearly dropped it. Upon check-out the manager asked in a whisper, if Terry was surprised and told me he had come in early for his shift to make sure everything had gone right. Apparently he had never played Santa and he took this job seriously. Please give him a little something extra this year.
I hope your feelings weren't hurt when you heard the psychiatric staff giving me grief because I had allowed a 13 year old to believe in Santa. I tried to tell them, Terry had been told it was really me but that he still believed. I figured, since he had missed out on you the first 7 years, and had to deal with all the terrible demons in his head it was the least I could do to give him a little hope and joy at Christmas. I can't forgive them for the awful treatment they gave Terry, I will have to leave it up to you to soften their hearts.
So, here we are, Terry is 22 now and thanks to another 50 mg increase in Quetiapine his depression is a little lighter. In fact, I am hesitant to say it out loud but he is actually doing the best he ever has at Christmas. This year he bought me presents and already has them wrapped and under the tree. That's a Christmas miracle.
Santa you don't have to look out for us this year, I think we will be okay. On behalf of all the kids that have special rules for you, I thank you for your co-operation. Thank you for giving those little kids hope that there are good things for them. Thank you for sticking with us in such hard times. I am ready to let you go now and send you on to another family that needs you.
Love and gratitude
Janet
p.s. Say hi to the Easter Bunny for us
