09/07/2024
In the shower last night in a state of mindless thought, I thought to myself, tomorrow is the 9th of July. Just a normal, random thought, right?
Nope. For it quickly occurred to me that this means it will have been 3 months to the date AND day that Dad died. And so, today is that day.
I had a cry when I realised, and I have tears in my eyes now as I write these words.
Three months doesn't seem or feel like a long time or like a lot of time has passed since the day Dad died, however, it feels like a billion trillion things have changed and happened during this time. And this is true.
Life does goes on, though just because someone dies doesn't mean it's all over when they die or after the funeral. No, far from it.
I have still been managing the affairs of Dad as well as managing my own life and the lives of my closest ones, namely my two daughters and my Great Uncle. My daughters lives are both quite stable, however, I'm a Mum and I am and I always will be there for my daughters at any age and any stage, to support them, encourage them, guide them, and love them unconditionally.
My Great Uncle is now on his palliative care journey too, so I'm doing what I can to support him, see him, and show him my love and care.
Another thing that has changed, a lot, is me.
I have changed so much, and maybe you will have noticed and maybe you haven't. Not that it matters to me either way, for being concerned about what others think of me is not even on my list of cares, concerns, or priorities.
So what has changed about me? My inner world, my mindset and outlook on life and living, my values, my priorities, even the way I communicate and what I invest my energy and time towards.
Death changes people you see, and even though the world keeps turning around like normal, mine will never be the same or normal again. Not that I ever thought of myself or my life as "normal" to begin with, but you get what I mean right?
I felt really angry about the world keeping on turning as normal at one point, thinking, "How can people just carry on living as normal whilst my Dad has died?"
"How can people be happy and smile and go about their daily living activities or plan ahead for their lives when my Dad has died?"
"How can people be so concerned about or consumed with insignificant, irrelevant, little things like A, B, and C, when my Dad has died?"
I felt totally separated from the "norm" and some days I still feel this way so deeply. Like a sort of combined apathetic and isolated feeling...basically, some days I care a lot and other days I have nothing and no cares to give.
And I can never force or lie about my feelings or energy to be different than what they are at any given moment. It is what it is.
Last Friday night I REALLY wanted to call Dad on the phone and hear his voice and receive his wisdom and guidance about life, then felt so defeated and deflated knowing I couldn't do that anymore. So instead I just thought back to all the times I listened to him whilst he shared his wise words with me, and that gave me comfort.
I still can't bare to listen to his voicemail messages on my phone...no, I'm too scared that will break me all over again.
I wonder if I will ever think about the ninth day of a month differently again...
I don't know. I'm still on the journey and the destination is unknown.
Can anyone else relate?
I'm certain my sisters feel the same ways or at least understand my attempt at expression here tonight.
In this photo, Dad is as handsome as ever and reminds me of the old school actor Charles Bronson, whom Grandma always said Dad resembled.
I know and believe Dad is with me in spirit, for I hear his songs often at random times, I see the letters "Dad" in my surrounds and daily travels, he comes to me in my dreams at times, and I hear the sound of his voice whispering words of wisdom or stirring me up and laughing.
Still, the gap, the difference, the deficit, is profoundly tangible and utterly inescapable...
Anyway, I love you Dad, and I miss you like a bird misses the freedom of flying free...💚🪽
