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14/11/2025

Stop Falling for Chemistry: The Five Steps That Decide Your Relationship’s Future
Darleen Barton Dr

DIPAC & Associates Dr (hc) Darleen Barton Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

November 15, 2025
WE HAVE CHEMISTRY is that the truth?

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Darleen Barton Dr

DIPAC & Associates Dr (hc) Darleen Barton Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

Relationships do not fall apart because people are weak or naïve. They fall apart because most of us were never taught the difference between connection, commitment, and compatibility. We confuse chemistry with certainty. We mistake attention for intention. And we hope that time, affection, or effort will turn a situationship into something solid.

This is where the Five Steps come in. These stages explain what you are feeling, why anxiety and resentment grow, and why you sometimes cling to something that is not offering you a real future.

Understanding these steps gives you clarity, confidence, and the power to choose differently.

Step 1: Passion – The Spark That Starts Everything

This is the moment you notice someone. They may not know you exist, but something about them pulls your attention. It feels exciting, energising, and full of possibility.

Passion is beautiful, but it is also one-sided. It is a feeling, not a relationship. Many people mistake the strength of this spark for destiny, but at this stage nothing has been built, promised, or proven.

Step 2: Mutual Attraction – The Most Dangerous Stage

Now the chemistry goes both ways. You talk for hours, you cannot stop thinking about each other, and everything feels effortless and electric.

This is also the stage where the biggest heartbreaks happen.

Why?

Because chemistry can look like commitment, even when no commitment has actually been made.

This is the stage where people start:

overgiving
overinvesting
ignoring red flags
hoping feelings will magically turn into a future
avoiding the hard conversation about “What are we actually doing?”

The moment you feel confused, clingy, resentful, or anxious is the moment you need clarity, not more patience.

Step 3: Commitment – When Two People Say Yes to Each Other

Commitment is not a vibe. It is not an assumption. It is not “seeing where things go.”

Commitment is two grown adults looking at each other and saying:

“We want the same thing. Let us build something real.”

This is the moment the relationship becomes a structure something with a foundation, not just an experience you are enjoying.

Moving from Level Two to Level Three requires honesty and courage. You must stop protecting the good feelings and start protecting your life.

This is the conversation:

“I value my energy. I want to give it to someone ready for something real. I realise we have not actually talked about that yet.”

You are not seeking validation. You are setting a standard. And standards create attraction.

Step 4: Compatibility – The Reality Check

Love is not enough. Commitment is not enough.

Compatibility is where real life enters the room.

This step asks:

Do our lives work together?
Can we meet each other’s basic emotional needs?
Is daily life smooth or full of friction?
Can I be myself, or am I constantly shrinking or apologising?

You can love someone deeply and still be incompatible.

This step is unromantic, but it determines whether your relationship will last in the real world, not just in the emotional world.

Note: If you do choose each other and choose to have children the commitment is to them also!

Step 5: Self-Love – The Step Most People Skip

Self-love is not a feeling. It is a job, your job.

It is your responsibility to protect your heart, time, energy, and future.

Self-love says: “I will not stay where I am not respected.” “I will not abandon myself to keep someone else comfortable.” “I will not wait for someone who is not choosing me.”

People often ask:

“How do I know if I am in Level Three?”

You know because it is mutual, consistent, peaceful, and clear. You know because the other person’s actions match their words. You know because you do not have to guess.

And if you are guessing, you already have your answer.

The Bottom Line: Learn the Steps, Fail Fast, Protect Your Future

When you understand these steps, you learn one of the most important relationship skills of all:

You learn to fail fast.

You stop wasting years hoping someone will turn into the partner you need. You stop suffering in silence, clinging to potential. You stop bargaining with your worth for the comfort of having someone.

Here is the honest truth:

You know how hard it is to change your own poor habits and stay consistent. You know how many times you have tried to break a pattern or change something in your own life.

So what do you think the chances are of changing another person who is not willing, not ready, or not trying?

Exactly.

Learning these steps frees you from confusion and keeps you out of relationships that drain your future. You fail the wrong relationship fast so you can make space for the right one.

Because of the eight billion people on this earth, you are the only one responsible for taking care of your one life.

Choose wisely. Choose bravely. Choose yourself first.

With warmth and care,

Dr (hc) Darleen Barton

Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner

Counselling /Therapy/Mediation/Coaching Across the Globe

Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

(02) 6198 3423 Servcorp Offices – Level 1, The Realm, 18 National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600

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“From the bedroom to the boardroom – building healthier relationships that last.”

02/11/2025

DIPAC & Associates Dr (hc) Darleen Barton Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

November 3, 2025

De Facto Evictions, Abandonment, and the Law in Australia

By Darleen Barton, Dr (hc), Accredited Mediator and Counselling Therapist November 2025

All appointments are booked on our website About Darleen Barton - Counselling and Therapy Canberra - DIPAC Blogs - DIPAC and Associates

I hear so many stories in my office of abandonment by men who promise the earth but are not willing to do the work or take responsibility, whether it is their first marriage, their second, or a de facto relationship.

Note: When you involve children and create a new family, you need to take responsibility for your actions and support that family!

In 1966, my father, a police officer, walked out on my mother and left her to instantly cover all living costs. I was two years old. My mother was twenty-eight and had never worked. Back then, the legal system offered no favour to women, and no government support existed. In those days, many mothers gave up their children to families who could feed them. If it were not for my grandparents, God knows what would have happened. They gave us a home and safety. My grandfather was in the Airforce he and my mum raised me. Because at that time not only was my mum and I abandoned by my father, my mum also at the time lost her mum to Ovarian cancer. You see life still goes on... I did not see my father for years, not because I was withheld, but because he was living his best life shunning any responsibility for his family. My mother received not one cent in child maintenance. She went to work and worked hard every day of my life for us. She never dated or remarried. My father traumatised her, and she lost trust.

So many Susans, de facto partners who built homes, raised blended families, made a home, paid the bills only to be evicted with their children and left without financial support.

The Reality of Abandonment

Every week, I meet women who walk into my office, whether a mediation room, voluntary counselling, court ordered family counselling with the same story:

He said, ‘You and your children are not my problem’ but I have nowhere to live.” This is an act of cruelty!

These women are the Susans of our society mothers and partners who gave their heart, labour, and love to a blended family, only to be evicted with their children and denied financial support.

The men often remain in the house, keep the income, and refuse to negotiate. They believe, “She was not my wife. She has no rights.”

They are gravely mistaken!

The Promise and the Betrayal

Many women enter de facto relationships with faith in a shared future. She moves herself and her children into his home, leaving her own rental, savings, and independence behind, because she is promised:

Marriage

A stable blended family

The possibility of future children together

A shared dream her own “picket fence”

For years, she invests her emotional labour, financial contribution, and parental care, believing she is building a life together. Her hope is real, and so is her trust.

When he evicts her and refuses financial support, it is not just economic abuse. It is a betrayal of trust, a disposal of the family, and an act of cruelty recognised by the law.

“She gave up her home, her independence, and her sense of security on the promise of love and family. Evicting her is deliberate cruelty.”

Emotional Abuse and Control

Before eviction occurs, many women live under constant emotional abuse and coercive control:

He is emotionally absent, leaving her unsupported.

He is controlling, monitoring her actions and the action of her children and decisions.

She feels anxious and inadequate, as if her efforts are always failing.

Her contributions — financial, domestic, and parental — are ignored or dismissed.

He shows no empathy for her, withholds love and controls children's sport choices and hobbies.

This psychological oppression compounds the impact of eviction and financial denial. The law recognises coercive control and emotional cruelty, combined with economic abuse, as serious factors when determining:

Interim maintenance

Property adjustments

Legal remedies

“She gave her heart, her home, and her labour. He gave only absence, control, and cruelty. Both tangible and invisible harms are legally recognised.”

De Facto Families Are Protected by Law

Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Commonwealth), de facto relationships are legally recognised, even when both partners have children from previous relationships.

A woman is entitled to full property and financial rights if:

She has lived with her partner for at least two years, or

There is a child of the relationship, or

There are significant contributions to a shared household, business, or parenting.

Even stepchildren are protected. Evicting a mother with her children without financial support constitutes economic family violence and cruelty.

The Human Cost: Disposing of a Family

Women

Identity collapse: Overnight erased as partner, mother, and homemaker.

Economic paralysis: No access to money, transport, or housing.

Psychological homelessness: Feeling disposable and devalued.

Shame and isolation: Internalising blame.

Children — Stepchildren

Children experience eviction and abandonment as attachment trauma:

Safety, routine, and stability are shattered.

Conflicted loyalty may make children feel responsible for the separation.

Behavioural and emotional fallout includes regression, anxiety, anger, and withdrawal.

Long-term impact includes trust issues and fear of abandonment.

Even stepchildren internalise rejection, saying, “If he left us, perhaps we were not worth keeping.”

“The deliberate disposal of children and a mother is recognised by law as cruel and unlawful.”

Withholding Financial Support Is Cruelty

Courts treat refusal to provide financial support after eviction as:

Economic family violence Section 4AB(2) of the Australian Family Law Act defines economic family violence as controlling or manipulating a person's financial resources to undermine their independence.

Coercive control over assets.

Grounds for Kennon-style adjustments in determining family law property disputes, a Court must consider each party’s contributions to the property pool. That requirement is set out in sections 79(4) and 90SM (4) of the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) (“the Act”) for marriages and de facto relationships respectively.

Immediate legal remedies include:

Exclusive occupancy of the home.

Interim spousal maintenance of one thousand $1000 to three thousand $3000 dollars per week.

Interim property orders of twenty thousand $20,000 to one hundred thousand $100,000 dollars.

Legal costs paid by the abuser. Note: Abuse can be silent, it can erode yourself worth eventually questioning your own ability to make a decision.

Firm legal message:

“Evicting a de facto partner with children and refusing support is illegal. The law will hold the abuser accountable financially, legally, and morally. Cruelty costs.”

Real Case Outcomes

Re: K and L (2024) The male partner evicted his de facto partner and her three children, changing the locks and denying financial support. Outcome: The court awarded her seventy per cent of the total property pool, equating to six hundred and eighty thousand dollars, with all legal costs ordered against him.

Re: M and P (2025) The woman was ordered to leave by Monday while he retained possession of the one point two million dollar home. Outcome: She was granted exclusive occupancy, interim maintenance of two thousand five hundred dollars per week, and a final property division of sixty-five per cent in her favour.

Re: T and R (2023) The male partner refused mediation and deliberately prolonged court proceedings. Outcome: The court applied a Kennon adjustment of thirty per cent for emotional and economic cruelty, resulting in an uplift of four hundred and twenty thousand dollars, with adverse costs awarded against him.

Pattern: Delay, obstruction, and cruelty significantly increase the abuser’s financial liability.

Rebuilding After Abandonment

Stabilise Safety

Name the Abuse

Restore Self-Worth

Support the Children

Reclaim Financial Power

Legal Takeaways

De facto equals legal spouse Section 4AA of the Family Law Act 1975 defines a de facto relationship as one between two people who are not legally married and not related by family, but who live together on a genuine domestic basis.

Non-financial contributions are fully recognised (Mallet v Mallet) Factors considered by the court include direct and indirect financial contributions, non-financial contributions (like homemaking or childcare), and the future needs of both parties.

Eviction plus refusal to settle triggers a Kennon Adjustment.

Interim orders can be obtained within forty-eight hours.

“You cannot profit from cruelty. You cannot dispose of a partner or abandon children without consequence. The Family Law Act enforces accountability financially, legally, and morally.”

Action Steps if Facing Eviction

Do not leave. It is your legal right to remain in the home (DV- first be safe)

Call Legal Aid for free twenty-four-hour support in your state.

File an ex-parte application for a same-day hearing for occupancy and financial support. Quite literally, “ex parte” is a latin expression meaning in the absence of the other party

Document everything, including texts, locks, bank statements, and children’s belongings.

Apply for a Centrelink Crisis Payment of up to five thousand dollars immediately.

You are not homeless. You are entitled. The law protects you.

Final Reflection

No woman should feel disposable. No child should be abandoned.

The courts and the law now stand with the dispossessed, ensuring cruelty costs, and that justice restores both dignity and safety.
The pattern is clear: cruelty costs. The law ensures it cannot go unpunished.

Australian Women’s Support Organisations

1800RESPECT: National sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling – 1800 737 732

Women’s Legal Service Australia: Legal advice and support for women – www.wlsa.org.au

Legal Aid (State and Territory): Free legal support and advice for family law issues

Lifeline Australia: Crisis support and su***de prevention – 13 11 14

Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre (Victoria): 1800 015 188

Relationships Australia: Counselling and mediation services – 1300 364 277

Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria: Information and referrals – www.dvrcv.org.au

Bravehearts: Support for children affected by abuse – 1800 272 831

Micah Projects and Women’s Support Services (Queensland): www.micahprojects.org.au

Women’s Housing Limited (New South Wales): www.womenshousing.com.au

With warmth and care, Dr (hc) Darleen Barton

Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner

Counselling /Therapy/Mediation/Coaching

Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

(02) 6198 3423 Servcorp Offices – Level 1, The Realm, 18 National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600

Brochure & Testimonials | Blog | LinkedIn | Website

“From the bedroom to the boardroom – building healthier relationships that last.”

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01/11/2025

Financial abuse occurs when a man kicks a woman and her children out of the family home without providing financial support, which is also known as economic abuse, whether in a marriage or de-facto relationship.

Withdrawing a promise of marriage after she has given up her home can be classified as fraudulent inducement. Additionally, making someone feel vulnerable and dependent, thereby stripping them of their confidence, falls under family violence as defined in Section 4A of the Family Law Act 1975.

It is crucial to know your rights and to persist in seeking justice. Domestic violence does not always manifest loudly; it can develop slowly and quietly, leading one to question their own thoughts, mental health, control, and self-worth.

I am here to help and to get justice www.dipac.com.au

13/09/2025

My Partner Has Depression: Dianne's Story
Darleen Barton Dr

DIPAC & Associates Dr (hc) Darleen Barton Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

September 14, 2025
Brochure & Testimonials | Blog | LinkedIn | Website

Author: Darleen Barton Dr (hc)

You can book your appointments online at a time convenient for you: www.dipac.com.au

DIPAC- Est 2009

A Compassionate Journey Through Depression in Marriage (name has been changed for confidentiality -permission obtained)

Dianne’s story is a common one. We often talk about people living with depression but rarely talk about the partners of those people living with depression.

Dianne’s life with her husband of twenty years is a tapestry woven with love, resilience, and quiet struggles. Their marriage, like many, has weathered storms, but the presence of his depression casts a unique shadow over their shared days. It is not a shadow that obscures their love, but one that shapes how they navigate it. Dianne’s heart carries both the weight of his pain and the strength of her commitment, a delicate balance that demands compassion, patience, and a willingness to see beyond the surface of their interactions. For the past six months, Dianne and her husband have been engaged in therapy, a journey that has revealed some of the most beautiful and profound human behaviours I have witnessed. Their sessions are grounded in a true, unwavering, committed love that radiates through their efforts to understand and support each other. It has been an honour to be part of their lives, to see their courage and tenderness unfold as they face the challenges of depression together. In their two decades together, Dianne has come to understand a profound truth: behind every criticism lies a wish. When her husband withdraws into silence or fails to ask about her day, she might once have interpreted it as indifference. But beneath his quiet, she now hears an unspoken yearning for connection, for understanding, for relief from the heavy fog of depression. This insight has transformed how she views their moments of tension. When she feels neglected or ignored, she recognises that her instinct to criticise is not merely frustration but a veiled wish for closeness, for reassurance that she is seen and valued. Expressing that wish directly, however, feels like stepping into vulnerability’s fragile light. To say, “I wish you would ask about my day,” is to risk rejection, to expose a need that might go unmet. In a marriage touched by depression, where emotional capacity can ebb and flow, that vulnerability feels particularly daunting. Dianne has learned that criticism often serves as a shield, a way to protect oneself from the deeper fear of being unloved or unworthy. When her husband retreats, it is tempting to believe his withdrawal reflects her own shortcomings. But she has come to see that his depression is not a verdict on her worth or their love. It is an external condition, not his identity, nor a measure of her ability to bring joy into his life. This understanding has been a lifeline, helping her separate his illness from their bond. She is not his therapist, nor his saviour. Instead, she is his companion, a steady witness to his struggle. By simply being present without judgment, without the pressure to fix him she offers a quiet, powerful gift. Her presence says, “I see you, and I am here.” This role of witness requires its own strength, one that Dianne has cultivated through years of learning and reflection, and now through their shared work in therapy. She has discovered that loving someone through depression is not about solving a puzzle. It is about holding space for their pain while preserving her own sense of self. Early in their marriage, she might have poured all her energy into trying to lift his spirits, only to find herself drained, teetering on the edge of resentment. Now, she understands the necessity of boundaries—not as a betrayal, but as an act of self-respect that, paradoxically, strengthens her capacity to love. Empathy without boundaries, she has learned, becomes erosion. By stepping back without stepping away, she protects her own heart while remaining a steadfast presence for him. Depression creates an asymmetry in their relationship, where her husband’s emotional capacity is often diminished. Moments of silence, a lack of desire for closeness, or even the absence of intimacy are not rejections, but symptoms of an illness that dulls his sense of vitality and self. Dianne has come to see these shifts not as personal failings, but as part of the landscape of depression. When she feels alone, she has learned to express it not as an accusation, but as an invitation to connect. “I feel alone,” she might say, not to blame, but to bridge the gap between them with care and intention. This shift in communication, nurtured through therapy, has been transformative, allowing her to voice her needs while honouring the reality of his struggle. The loss of desire both sexual and for general closeness has been one of the hardest casualties of her husband’s depression. Dianne has grappled with the pain of feeling distant from the man she loves, wondering if she is no longer enough. But she has come to understand that this change stems not from a lack of love, but from his diminished sense of self. Depression can strip away the spark that fuels connection, leaving both partners longing for what once was. Yet Dianne has found that love, in this context, is not about recapturing the past. It is about meeting each other where they are now, in the tender, imperfect present. Through it all, Dianne has embraced the idea that loving someone through depression is a resilient, imperfect practice. It is not about rescuing her husband or erasing his pain, but about staying connected even in the hardest moments. She has learned to hold space for silence, to witness his struggle without judgment, and to trust that their bond endures. This love is not a grand gesture, but a quiet, steady commitment a practice of showing up, day after day, with compassion and courage. Dianne’s journey, illuminated by their work in therapy, is a testament to the power of understanding and presence. By seeing the wishes beneath her criticisms, by embracing vulnerability despite its risks, and by holding boundaries as acts of love, she has forged a path through the complexities of a marriage touched by depression. Her story is one of resilience, not because it is without pain, but because it is rooted in a love that persists, tender and unwavering, through every shadow and light.

EDUCATION helps you to ask better questions, when consulting with your Medical Professionals or Therapist: I hope the following helps to provide insight:

Lifetime Prevalence (Ever Experienced Depression): About 18.3% of Australians aged 16–85 have had a depressive disorder at some point in their lives. This translates to roughly 4.5 million people, predominantly adults over 18. Females are more likely to report lifetime depression (22.1%) than males (14.6%). These figures focus specifically on clinically diagnosed depressive disorders, excluding milder "feelings of depression" or psychological distress.

Average Duration of Depression in Australia

Depression episodes can vary widely in length depending on the type (e.g., major depressive episode, persistent depressive disorder), severity, and whether treatment is sought. For a major depressive episode, the most common form Australian health resources indicate an average duration of 4 to 8 months without treatment, though this can be significantly shortened with interventions like therapy or medication. More broadly, episodes may last weeks, months, or even years if untreated, but early support often leads to recovery in under 6 months. For context, a diagnosis requires symptoms persisting for at least 2 weeks, while chronic forms like persistent depressive disorder involve symptoms lasting 2 years or more.

Whilst depression is multifaceted “Environment” plays a substantial role in the development, severity, and persistence of depression, often accounting for 60-70% of the variance

The role of Pharmacology:

Antidepressant Duration and Long-Term Use

In session: Patients often report being prescribed antidepressants and remaining on them for 5, 10, 15 years or more, frequently due to factors like fear of relapse or lack of medical review.

Antidepressants are typically prescribed for 6–12 months for a first depressive episode (6–12 weeks acute, 4–9 months continuation), with 1–2 years for chronic/ severe cases and longer maintenance for recurrent cases.

Important NOTE: tapering off antidepressants is essential to avoid serious withdrawal symptoms. Please refer to your prescribing medical professional for guidance.
Taking Care of Yourself

Supporting someone can lead to burnout, resentment, or even your own depression—it's common for partners to feel helpless or guilty. Prioritize:

Self-Care: Exercise, hobbies, sleep—treat it as non-negotiable.
Seek Your Own Support: Join family groups (e.g., Beyond Blue forums). Talk to friends or a therapist.
Set Boundaries: It's okay to say, "I need a break to recharge so I can support you better."
Monitor for Crisis: Have a plan—e.g., who to call if things escalate.

Australian Resources

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 (24/7), online chat, forums for supporters. Free guides on supporting loved ones.
Black Dog Institute: Online support groups, webinars, and tools like the The Essential Network (TEN ) Mental Health Check-up for families.
Lifeline: 13 11 14 for crisis support.
Healthdirect: 1800 022 222 for advice on local services.

Recovery is possible many people with depression thrive with the right mix of treatment, environment and support. You are already taking a powerful step by seeking ways to help.

Compassion: Life has a way of teaching us lessons and those lessons are usually about our own behaviours, internal beliefs, integrity.…life throws us all curve balls and it’s important to listen to your quiet voice to hear the lesson. We are not placed on this earth and in a committed partnership to be selfish. Life is a long burn, and you never know what is in store just around the corner.

With compassion for your journey ahead.

Dr (hc) Darleen Barton

Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner

Counsellor/Therapist/ Mediator/ Life/ Executive Coach

Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

(02) 6198 3423 Servcorp Offices – Level 1, The Realm, 18 National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600

Brochure & Testimonials | Blog | LinkedIn | Website

“From the bedroom to the boardroom – building healthier relationships that last.”

06/09/2025

Darleen Barton Dr

DIPAC & Associates Dr (hc) Darleen Barton Best-Selling Author | Senior Consultant | Practitioner Founder – DIPAC & Associates (Est. 2009)

September 6, 2025

Darleen Barton Dr

Principal Practitioner & Founder DIPAC Est 2009 | Senior Consultant

By Author Dr (hc) Darleen Barton Counselling Therapist/Mediator/Executive/Life Coach

https://www.dipac.com.au/blogs/

(7) Darleen Barton Dr | LinkedIn

I have been married to Mal for 4 decades and our journey has been a tapestry of highs and lows. We have laughed together until our sides ached and cried through moments that tested our strength. We have endured great loss, heartache and betrayal, buried our parents, and raised three wonderful children. We have moved cities, pursued studies, and recovered from illness, proving time and again that we are quite the team. Over these four decades, we have loved each other fiercely, even on days when frustration, hurt, or anger made it hard to face one another. But we have learnt along the way and continue to learn. Now, we are discovering who we need to "be" for our grown adult children and our grandchildren, who have their own busy lives.

Marriage, we have found, is a journey of great discovery, mostly self-discovery, woven through shared triumphs and trials.

Marriage is a profound commitment that blends love, partnership, and mutual growth into a lifelong journey. While every marriage is unique, certain core elements consistently underpin successful unions. Drawing from psychological research, relationship studies, and real-world insights, this article explores what it takes to build and sustain a thriving marriage, the key milestones couples experience over decades, the toughest decisions they face, the heartaches they may endure together, and the responsibility to persevere through challenges rather than giving up on the family and life chosen together.

Commitment and Dedication

At the heart of marriage lies an unwavering commitment to the relationship. This goes beyond romantic feelings, which can ebb and flow, and involves a conscious decision to stay devoted through challenges. According to Doctor John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, successful couples prioritise their partnership, viewing it as a shared project that requires daily investment. Commitment means choosing to work through conflicts, forgive imperfections, and remain loyal even when external pressures arise.

Practical Steps: Regularly reaffirm your commitment through small gestures, such as expressing gratitude or planning intentional time together. Discuss long-term goals to ensure alignment and shared purpose.

Effective Communication

Communication is the backbone of any strong marriage. Studies show that couples who openly express their thoughts, feelings, and needs while actively listening to their partner are more likely to navigate conflicts successfully. The Gottman Institute emphasises the importance of "soft startups" when discussing issues, approaching conversations with kindness and curiosity rather than criticism or defensiveness.

Practical Steps: Practise active listening by summarising your partner’s words to ensure understanding. Set aside time for regular check-ins to discuss both the mundane and the meaningful. Avoid bottling up frustrations; address them calmly and constructively.

Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Intimacy, both emotional and physical, fosters closeness and trust. Emotional intimacy involves vulnerability, sharing fears, dreams, and insecurities without judgement. Physical intimacy, whether through affection or sexual connection, reinforces the bond. Research from the Journal of Marriage and Family highlights that couples who maintain consistent intimacy report higher satisfaction levels.

Practical Steps: Schedule date nights to reconnect and keep the spark alive. Share small, meaningful moments, such as a hug or a heartfelt compliment. Be open about your needs and check in with your partner about theirs.

Mutual Respect and Appreciation

Respect is non-negotiable in a healthy marriage. This means valuing your partner’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality, even when you disagree. Appreciation goes hand in hand, as acknowledging your partner’s efforts fosters positivity. Gottman’s research notes that couples with a high ratio of positive to negative interactions (at least 5:1) are more likely to thrive.

Practical Steps: Regularly express gratitude for specific actions your partner takes, no matter how small. Avoid contempt or sarcasm during disagreements, as these erode respect. Celebrate each other’s achievements and strengths.

Adaptability and Growth

Marriage is a dynamic journey, and both partners will evolve over time. Successful couples embrace change, whether it is career shifts, parenthood, or personal growth, and adapt together. A 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who view challenges as opportunities for growth report stronger bonds.

Practical Steps: Be open to renegotiating roles and expectations as life changes. Support your partner’s personal goals, even if they differ from your own. Approach challenges as a team, asking, “How can we handle this together?”

Conflict Resolution Skills

Disagreements are inevitable, but how couples manage conflict determines the health of the marriage. Gottman’s research identifies “repair attempts”, efforts to de-escalate tension, such as humour or an apology, as critical to resolving disputes. Avoiding the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) is equally important.

Practical Steps: Learn to recognise when emotions are running high and take a break if needed. Use “I” statements to express feelings (for example, “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always…”). Seek compromise and focus on solutions rather than winning.

Shared Values and Goals

While opposites can attract, shared values provide a foundation for long-term compatibility. Whether it is views on family, finances, or lifestyle, alignment on core priorities helps couples navigate decisions together. A 2019 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples with shared goals report higher relationship satisfaction.

Practical Steps: Discuss your values early and often, especially on big topics such as money, children, and career. Create a shared vision board or plan for the future to stay connected to common goals.

Trust and Honesty

Trust is the glue that holds a marriage together. It is built through consistent honesty, reliability, and transparency. Infidelity, whether emotional or physical, can erode trust, but so can smaller betrayals, such as broken promises. Rebuilding trust, when necessary, requires accountability and patience.

Practical Steps: Be truthful, even in small matters, to build a culture of openness. Follow through on commitments, no matter how minor. If trust has been damaged, consider couples therapy to guide the healing process.

Patience and Forgiveness

No one is perfect, and marriage requires patience with each other’s flaws. Forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behaviour but rather letting go of grudges to move forward. A 2021 study in Personal Relationships found that couples who practice forgiveness experience lower stress and higher relationship satisfaction.

Practical Steps: Reflect before reacting to your partner’s mistakes. Apologise sincerely when you are wrong and offer grace when your partner falters. Focus on the bigger picture rather than dwelling on minor irritations.

A Sense of Partnership

Marriage is a team effort, where both partners contribute to a shared life. This includes dividing responsibilities fairly, whether it is household chores, parenting, or financial planning. A 2022 Pew Research Centre survey found that equitable partnerships, where both spouses feel valued for their contributions, lead to greater marital happiness.

Practical Steps: Regularly discuss how tasks and responsibilities are divided to ensure fairness. Show appreciation for your partner’s efforts, whether they are financial, emotional, or practical. Approach challenges as a united front.

Milestones in a 50-Year Marriage

Over the course of five decades, couples encounter significant milestones that shape their relationship. These milestones, drawn from longitudinal studies and anecdotal evidence, reflect common experiences that test and strengthen the partnership.

Years 1 to 5: Building the Foundation

Milestone: Establishing roles, routines, and shared goals as a married couple.

Challenges: Adjusting to cohabitation, merging finances, and navigating early conflicts. Couples often face external pressures, such as career demands or family expectations.

Opportunities: This period is ideal for setting communication patterns and building trust. Couples learn to balance individuality with partnership, laying the groundwork for future resilience.

Key Focus: Open dialogue about expectations and creating traditions, such as weekly date nights or holiday rituals.

Years 5 to 10: Deepening the Bond

Milestone: Welcoming children (for many couples), major career moves, or buying a home.

Challenges: Parenthood can strain time and intimacy, while career changes may introduce stress or relocation. Couples may grapple with balancing personal and shared goals.

Opportunities: Shared experiences, such as parenting or achieving financial milestones, strengthen teamwork. Couples deepen emotional intimacy by navigating these changes together.

Key Focus: Prioritising quality time and maintaining physical and emotional connection amidst new responsibilities.

Years 10 to 20: Navigating Midlife Transitions

Milestone: Raising children, career advancements, or caring for ageing parents.

Challenges: Midlife can bring stress from parenting teenagers, career plateaus, or health concerns. Couples may face “midlife crises” or reassess personal goals, which can strain the relationship.

Opportunities: This phase allows couples to rediscover each other as children grow more independent. Shared accomplishments, such as paying off a mortgage, reinforce partnership.

Key Focus: Reconnecting through shared hobbies or travel and supporting each other’s evolving identities.

Years 20 to 30: Empty Nest and Reinvention

Milestone: Children leaving home, career peaks, or early retirement planning.

Challenges: The empty nest phase can lead to feelings of loss or disconnection if the marriage has centred on parenting. Health issues or financial shifts may emerge.

Opportunities: Couples can rediscover their relationship, exploring new interests or rekindling romance. This is a time to set new goals, such as travel or personal projects.

Key Focus: Investing in the relationship through shared adventures and open discussions about the future.

Years 30 to 40: Facing Later-Life Realities

Milestone: Retirement, becoming grandparents, or addressing health concerns.

Challenges: Retirement can disrupt routines, while health issues may require caregiving roles. Couples may face existential questions about purpose or legacy.

Opportunities: Grandparenting offers shared joy, and retirement provides time for new experiences. Couples can reflect on their legacy and contributions together.

Key Focus: Supporting each other’s health and emotional needs while finding meaning in shared activities.

Years 40 to 50: Celebrating Endurance

Milestone: Reaching major anniversaries (for example, 40th or 50th), reflecting on a shared legacy.

Challenges: Ageing may bring physical limitations or loss of loved ones, requiring emotional resilience. Couples may confront mortality or the need for long-term care.

Opportunities: Celebrating a 40- or 50-year marriage is a testament to enduring love and partnership. Couples can share wisdom with younger generations and cherish their shared history.

Key Focus: Honouring the journey through celebrations, storytelling, or legacy projects, such as writing memoirs or creating family traditions.

Toughest Decisions Couples Face

Throughout a marriage, couples encounter pivotal decisions that test their unity, communication, and resilience. These choices, drawn from relationship research and real-world experiences, often require balancing individual desires with shared goals and can arise at any stage of the journey.

Whether to Have Children (and How Many): Deciding on parenthood is a profound choice, impacting finances, careers, lifestyle, and emotional well-being. Couples must align on readiness, fertility challenges, adoption, or choosing to remain child-free, as misalignment can lead to regret or resentment.

Career and Relocation Moves: Balancing professional ambitions often means one partner sacrificing opportunities, such as relocating for a job, changing careers, or navigating job loss. Economic pressures, such as those during recessions, amplify the stakes, affecting family stability.

Financial Commitments: Major decisions, such as buying a home or managing debt, require agreement on budget, location, and long-term affordability. Emotional desires for a “nest” can clash with practical concerns, especially for young couples or those facing financial strain.

Handling Infidelity or Betrayal: Deciding whether to forgive and rebuild after an affair or emotional betrayal is excruciating. It involves trust reconstruction, therapy, or sometimes separation, challenging the relationship’s foundation.

Caring for Ageing Parents or Family Members: As couples age, decisions about elder care, such as moving parents in, funding assisted living, or dividing responsibilities, can strain finances, time, and emotional resources, especially if it impacts retirement plans.

Health-Related Choices: Facing serious illnesses, such as cancer or chronic conditions, requires tough calls on treatments, lifestyle changes, or end-of-life directives. These decisions blend medical facts with emotional weight, often amidst grief.

Ending the Relationship or Seeking Divorce: Deciding whether to stay in a struggling marriage or part ways, despite shared history, children, or finances, is one of the hardest choices. It often stems from ongoing issues such as incompatibility or abuse and requires immense emotional effort.

These decisions demand open communication, empathy, and sometimes professional guidance, such as couples therapy, to navigate without lasting damage.

Heartaches Couples May Endure Together

A lifelong marriage is not without pain, as couples face heartaches that test their emotional resilience and deepen their bond when faced as a team. These challenges, drawn from psychological studies and common experiences, highlight the shared struggles of enduring partnerships.

Loss of Loved Ones: The death of parents, siblings, or close friends brings grief that couples must navigate together. This can be especially poignant when losing a child, which research shows is one of the most devastating experiences for couples, often straining the relationship if not handled with care.

Infertility or Pregnancy Loss: For couples hoping to have children, infertility or miscarriage can cause profound sorrow, self-doubt, and strain. The emotional toll of fertility treatments or repeated losses requires mutual support to heal.

Health Crises: Serious illnesses or disabilities in one or both partners bring fear, uncertainty, and caregiving burdens. Watching a spouse suffer or facing one’s own mortality tests emotional and physical strength, often reshaping roles within the marriage.

Financial Hardship: Job loss, debt, or economic downturns create stress and insecurity. Couples may face the heartache of lost dreams, such as downsizing a home or delaying retirement, requiring them to lean on each other for stability.

Betrayal or Broken Trust: Infidelity, emotional affairs, or other betrayals cause deep hurt and require significant effort to rebuild trust. Even smaller breaches, such as broken promises, can accumulate and strain the relationship over time.

Parenting Struggles: Raising children, especially through challenging phases such as adolescence or special needs, can bring heartache from worry, disagreements on parenting styles, or feelings of inadequacy. The empty nest phase may also trigger a sense of loss.

Aging and Mortality: As couples reach later years, facing physical decline, chronic pain, or the reality of mortality brings emotional weight. The fear of losing each other or navigating long-term care decisions can be profoundly challenging.

These heartaches, while painful, can strengthen a marriage when faced with mutual support, communication, and a commitment to healing together.

The Responsibility to Persevere

Marriage is a deliberate choice to build a life with someone, and for those who choose to bring children into the world, it carries an added responsibility to do everything possible to make the relationship work. You do not simply get fed up and throw away a marriage or the family you have created. The decision to commit to a partner and raise a family comes with an obligation to face challenges head-on, seeking solutions through effort, patience, and, when needed, professional support such as counselling. This perseverance reflects the gravity of the vows made and the legacy built together, honouring the shared journey and the well-being of any children involved.

Conclusion

Being married for decades, like Mal and I after 40 years, requires more than love; it demands intentional effort, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow together through life’s milestones, toughest decisions, and heartaches. You choose each other every day…

From building a foundation in the early years to navigating the evolving roles of parents to adult children, couples face a dynamic journey filled with both joy and challenges. By prioritising communication, trust, and adaptability, they can make tough decisions, whether about parenthood, careers, or health, with unity, and face heartaches, such as loss or betrayal, with resilience. Above all, the choice to commit to a partner and family carries a profound responsibility to persevere, doing everything in one’s power to nurture the marriage and the life built together. A thriving marriage offers a profound sense of connection, purpose, and shared history, built through decades of shared triumphs and trials.

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