01/02/2023
Yes! this is said so well. I've always had a hard time explaining why 'demands' bring out an automatic 'NO' without sounding like I'm making excuses or 'babying' a child with anxiety.
I like this illustration of the child being 'trapped' and not being able to find a way to where they would really would like to be!
Itâs Not What You Say, Itâs the Way that You Say It (with Missing The Mark)
Some children have to be able to say No before they can really say Yes
Some children are super-sensitive to pressure. It makes them curl up inside, or it brings out their âautomatic noâ. For them, it doesnât really matter what the suggestion is, because the pressure of the expectation means they canât say yes. These are the children who can sniff out the pressure in an âinnocentâ comment like âItâs a lovely day!â (to which the answer is, âAbsolutely no way, we are not going outâ).
For children who are so finely attuned to pressure, adults can inadvertently make it harder for them to do the things they would like to do. Adults add pressure in all sorts of unintentional ways. Gentle reminders. Asking questions which have already been answered âAre you sure?â. Taking too long to get ready once itâs been agreed that youâre going. A look of disappointment when they havenât got their coat on. A last minute request to get a water bottle.
To help children really make that choice (rather than react to the pressure) we need to think about balancing what we say. We need to make sure that the option to say no is right there â and that itâs clear that we are not going to be upset or angry if they say it.
They canât really say Yes, until they know that they can say No.
This means reframing what we say from âLetâs go out to the parkâ to âWe could go to the park or we could not, both are fine with meâ. Or âYouâre going to really love this filmâ to âYou might like this film or you might not, Iâm going to go anywayâ. Sometimes it can even mean putting the emphasis on the âNoâ, as in âYou probably wonât want to try this, but there is a new game coming out this weekâ. Parents have to detach their emotional responses from the childâs reactions. Itâs not a judgement on our parenting if they say no.
This feels strange for parents, because it can feel like by including the âNoâ in what we say, we make it more likely that children will refuse. We think that we have to avoid giving them the idea that they might not want to go, and then maybe they will not realise that they had another option. Parents are sometimes even told this by others âJust donât give them another option!â.
This doesnât work. When pressure-sensitive children feel as if they have no options, they double down. They feel trapped. Their Automatic No comes out in force. They canât see beyond the pressure to what might lie beyond. The more their parents insist or encourage, the more they cannot budge. It doesnât matter how much they might enjoy whatâs on the other side, they canât get there. Thereâs a barrier in the way.
As parents, thereâs a temptation to go at that barrier with a sledgehammer, to try and bulldozer through it, pulling your child behind you. That doesnât work. In fact, it just makes the barrier higher. Bulldozers are full of pressure. Literally so.
The way to lower that pressure barrier is to let them be the one to step over it â and to show them that youâre there to help. Itâs about dialling down the pressure as much as you can, and still being open to the possibility of a no. Itâs about telling them itâs going to be okay either way, and then really showing them that that is the case. Over time they will feel safer, and they will start to find their own ways around the barrier. The more they know that they can really choose, the more that barrier will feel possible to cross.
They have to know they can say No, before they can even consider saying Yes.
