30/10/2025
For some of us, learning to hear the message (underneath the noise) of what is being spoken might be one of the most significant relationship skills we can learn.
Leaning into this space may include inquiring about the deeper roots of someone’s vulnerabilities so that we can detect and speak to those deeper layers and contexts more clearly and sensitively.
It might include becoming more curious about the layers that are intertwined with our unique form of defensiveness.
These moments may even become an invitation for us to intervene more quickly when we detect criticism is at play so that we don’t shut down and disengage.
“I really want to stay present for you in this. Can you please try to share what you are feeling instead of what I’m doing wrong?”
“Your feelings matter a lot to me. I can feel myself beginning to shut down and I really don’t want that to happen. What do you need from me right now?”
“I know it isn’t easy for you to share what happening for you. How can I make it safe for you to share your experience without criticizing me?”
If your relationship has cultivated a bit more trust and safety, there also may be much more room to intervene in these moments in more direct ways, and with humor to help soften the approach.
For some of us, it will be equally important that we explore our patterns of defensiveness.
It may be important to make space to tolerate occasional criticism sometimes.
People aren’t always going to be able to offer or share their feedback/feelings to us in perfectly integrated ways.
We do have to read carefully here though, as repeated criticism (without any responsibility taken) can lead to a relationship’s end.
What kind of communication styles takes you to defensiveness more quickly? What could you express to help soften someone’s approach?
PS: Want to explore working together? Message me “work with me” to book a free consultation ✨
