04/02/2026
I 🤍 If you’ve ever said,
“I know this isn’t good for me… so why do I keep going back?”
I want you to hear this gently.
This isn’t because you’re weak.
It isn’t because you lack insight.
And it isn’t because you don’t value yourself.
It’s because your body learned to survive through connection.
That’s what a trauma bond is.
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🧠 What a trauma bond often feels like
Most of my clients don’t describe it as “love”.
They describe:
🌀 Feeling calmer when the relationship resumes
⚠️ Feeling panicked when there’s distance
🫀 Missing them even while knowing the harm
🧩 Feeling foolish for still caring
🔄 Being pulled back after finally deciding “this is it”
And then comes the shame.
“Why can’t I just let go?”
Because this isn’t happening in your head.
It’s happening in your nervous system.
⸻
🧬 How trauma bonds form — in a very human body
Trauma bonds form in relationships where emotional safety is unpredictable.
There might be warmth, intimacy, or moments of deep connection…
followed by withdrawal, criticism, silence, or emotional threat.
Your body responds first.
When there’s conflict or distance:
🚨 Stress hormones rise
🏃♀️ Your system goes into alert
👀 You scan, wait, brace
Then something shifts.
They come back.
They soften.
There’s contact, affection, relief.
And your body exhales.
💫 Dopamine releases
🤍 Oxytocin reconnects you
Your nervous system learns:
This person brings me back to calm.
Even though they’re also the reason you left calm in the first place.
This isn’t a conscious choice.
It’s conditioning.
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🧠 Why it’s so hard to break
Leaving a trauma bond doesn’t just feel sad.
It feels unsafe.
Clients often tell me:
😣 “My body feels like it’s in danger”
🤢 “I feel sick when I don’t hear from them”
🌪️ “I can’t settle, even when I know it’s right”
That’s because your nervous system isn’t registering health yet.
It’s registering loss of regulation.
The body doesn’t understand logic.
It understands patterns.
And this pattern once helped you cope.
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🪢 Why it keeps pulling you back
Trauma bonds don’t pull you back with love.
They pull you back with relief.
Relief from:
🫨 The ache in your chest
⚡ The anxiety in your body
🧠 The constant activation
🕳️ The loneliness that feels unbearable
So when you go back, your body settles —
and your mind thinks,
“See? This must be love.”
But it’s not love.
It’s a stress cycle completing.
⸻
🌿 A gentle place to start loosening the bond
I don’t ask clients to “cut ties” before their body is ready.
Instead, we slow things down.
When you feel the urge to reach out or go back, try this first:
🤲 One hand on your chest
🤲 One hand on your belly
🌬️ Inhale gently through your nose
💨 Exhale slowly through your mouth
Stay there for a minute or two.
Then ask yourself softly:
“What does my body need right now — connection, comfort, or safety?”
Sometimes the urge isn’t about them at all.
It’s about regulation.
And every time you meet that need without harm,
the bond loosens just a little.
⸻
🕊️ This is not about willpower
You don’t break trauma bonds by forcing yourself to be stronger.
You heal them by teaching your body:
I can feel safe without chaos.
And that takes time.
Support.
And compassion.
If this feels familiar, there is nothing wrong with you.
Your body adapted the best way it knew how.
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🥵If you’re stuck in this cycle and exhausted from trying to “think” your way out, you don’t need more self-discipline — you need nervous system-led support.
I work gently with trauma bonds, emotional abuse, and attachment wounds — at the pace your body can handle.
📲Zoom and phone sessions available
😊Face to face available
☎️ 0491 618 187
📆 Or book direct 👇🏻
https://www.halaxy.com/book/kyssanda-robinson-coach-and-counselling-services/location/564611
