01/03/2022
Makes perfect sense!
When discussing emotional regulation with kids, educators and therapists will often talk about how the aim is to be “calm” or get back to the “green zone”. This is an optimal state in many situations, however it’s important to remember that all feelings are okay, and that there are times when “calm” isn’t useful or appropriate.⠀
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For example, calm is not useful, appropriate or expected of kids if⠀
• They’re about to run a race⠀
• It’s their birthday⠀
• Their pet has just died⠀
• There’s a fire⠀
• They’re going to their favourite place⠀
• They had a fight with a friend⠀
• They failed an exam⠀
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Regulated does not always mean calm. It means being able to manage your energy and emotions so that your alertness level and behaviour match the situation. This could mean showing feelings of sadness, fear, happiness, excitement, anxiety, disappointment, or anything in between, depending on the energy demands of the situation. And as adults, meeting kids wherever they’re at, without trying “fix” or rush them through the emotions they need to process and feel.
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There is also a level of subjectivity to this, and this is where empathy comes in, e.g. what is upsetting for one child may not be upsetting for another; what is exciting for one child may not be exciting for another.
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No matter the situation, all feelings are okay (but not all behaviours are).⠀
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It’s important to remember that kids under the age of 7 will naturally experience many more situations in which they’re not calm, due to the underdeveloped nature of their brain, developmentally limited regulation skills and the fact that they’re still in the egocentric stage of development, where everything is all about them.
Also important - emotional regulation is not something that is taught first and foremost, it is something that is experienced through others.