Idi Pimenta Heart Centred Relationship Coach

04/03/2026

...as***le with a capital C...

Coercive and controlling behaviour is a pattern of actions.

It can look like monitoring your phone, controlling money, movements, choices, appearence; isolating you from friends, constant accusations, threats (subtle or overt), intimidation, sexual pressure, silent treatment as punishment, guilting, rewriting reality, rewriting history, projection of a false narrative, silencing & erasure, DARVO or making you afraid of the consequences of saying no.

A diagnosis can explain behaviour; it doesn’t excuse its pattern, its harm or its impact.

If someone can control it when there are consequences, there is capacity. If it’s hidden, there is awareness.

The focus should never drift from the harm experienced.

Safety is everything
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Sometimes the diagnosis...⁠
⁠
Is being an as***le.⁠
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Sometimes the clinical diagnosis is as***le.⁠
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We spend or, we have spent, a significant amount of time⁠
self-diagnosing ourselves, as well as trying to figure out⁠
why a family member or ex is so abusive. ⁠
⁠
Are they? (insert any DSM criteria as to what you're seeing and are looking to match up or confirm)⁠
⁠
Then what?⁠
⁠
This is a gentle reminder that figuring out why someone might⁠
be abusive doesn't keep you safe or change things. The change is ⁠
up to the abusive person, and it usually isn't looking good.⁠
⁠
As childhood trauma survivors, our inner child struggles with the reality that someone is bad for us. This is a function of our codependency. As small children, we rooted for abusive or unprotective parents. We had hope, and it's still a problem.⁠
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If we know they struggle with a mental health issue, we become more compassionate, which means we might still subject ourselves to abuse.⁠
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Our inner child needs help reclaiming that not everyone is for us. Some people don't deserve a second chance, or even a first one.⁠
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What matters most is your peace, safety, and dignity.⁠
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Am I saying everyone with mental health issues should be shunned or deserve the stigma? Of course not!⁠
⁠
This post is about no longer allowing people to be as***les to us and not getting caught up in why they are abusive.

28/02/2026

"...the ongoing negotiation..."
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Resentment is about imbalance, and families are very good at pretending balance exists when it doesn’t. We say love evens everything out, and sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s what Margaret Cho is pointing towards. She’s talking about a slowly accumulated rupture, and the way no one wants to total it up.

Because once you start adding, you have to decide what counts. Does that comment about your body count? Does the comparison to a sibling count? Does the silence after you tried to explain yourself count? Families often operate on the rule that intent matters more than impact, so if someone meant well, the slate is considered clean. But that doesn’t stop the body from storing the slight. It doesn’t stop a child from learning that approval is conditional.

And when approval is conditional at home, it’s easier for the outside world to slot into that same pattern. Cho’s experience on All American Girl in the mid-1990s is a good example. She was the first Asian American woman to lead a network sitcom, which should have been a triumph, and yet executives reportedly criticised her weight and questioned how she presented her ethnicity. She later spoke about developing an eating disorder during that time. It’s hard not to see the echo. If you’ve grown up trying to meet shifting expectations, then an industry that tells you to be thinner and more authentic at the same time - it feels like a louder version of something familiar.

That’s where the language of debt becomes useful, because debt implies record. Someone is keeping track, even if only internally. Deborah Levy writes about the difficulty of telling the truth about family without being accused of disloyalty, and that tension sits under Cho’s humour. The joke about the white elephant that no one will feed suggests everyone can see the problem, but attending to it would require agreement that it exists. And agreement is often the first thing families refuse.

So you adapt. You laugh at what hurts and downgrade your own memory. You accept partial acknowledgement because full acknowledgement might not come. And if you grew up in an immigrant household, as Cho did, the pressure to be grateful complicates everything. Survival stories don’t leave much room for complaint. You’re reminded of sacrifice, and you start to wonder whether asking for repair is indulgent.

Roxane Gay has written about loving people who have also caused harm, and that doubleness feels central here. Love doesn’t cancel injury, but injury doesn’t automatically cancel love. So you stay and show up. You tell yourself that this is just how families work. But meanwhile the sense of deficit remains, and it shapes how much of yourself you offer. Maybe you edit what you share. Maybe you avoid certain topics. Maybe you achieve more than you need to, hoping it will finally clear the account.

And this is where the quote refuses to comfort, because being in the red suggests an ongoing condition. It’s a current state and the books are still open. That means someone, maybe everyone, would have to admit there’s a shortfall. And that admission threatens the story families like to tell about themselves, that they were loving enough, fair enough, good enough.

What I find most exposing is that the ledger isn’t neutral. If I’m honest, I keep one too. I remember what wasn’t said, what wasn’t defended, what wasn’t repaired. But I also know there are entries under my name. Times I stayed silent and chose peace over honesty. So the imbalance isn’t cleanly divided between villain and victim. It’s shared, even if not equally.

Which leaves the question open rather than resolved. If love doesn’t automatically settle the debt, and confrontation risks further loss, what do you do with the deficit? Cho says she chose to stay and fight, and that suggests the account is still active. Not closed, not forgiven in full, but not abandoned either. And maybe that’s the most honest place to leave it, in the ongoing negotiation rather than the tidy ending.

© Echoes of Women - Fiona.F, 2026. All rights reserved

Image: CarCai, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

19/02/2026

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28/12/2025

The Body Remembers
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Trauma doesn’t only live in memory. It lives in posture, breath, muscle tension, startle responses, and the way the nervous system stays on guard long after danger has passed. Long before words arrive, the body has already learned the lesson.

The Body Remembers begins from that understanding.

Babette Rothschild bridges neuroscience, physiology, and psychotherapy to explain how traumatic experiences are stored not just in the mind, but in the body’s automatic responses. This is not a book about reliving trauma. It is a book about understanding how the nervous system adapts to threat, and how healing must work with the body, not against it.

Clear, precise, and deeply respectful of both clients and practitioners, Rothschild explains how symptoms like hypervigilance, emotional numbness, dissociation, and chronic tension are not failures to “move on,” but intelligent survival responses. The body learned to protect itself. The problem arises when those protections remain active long after the danger is gone.

Lessons from The Body Remembers:

1. Trauma Is Physiological as Well as Psychological
Traumatic stress affects the autonomic nervous system, shaping reactions beyond conscious control. Healing requires working with the body, not just insight or memory.

2. Symptoms Are Survival Strategies
Responses like freezing, numbing, or hyper-alertness once served a protective function. What looks like dysfunction is often adaptation that outlived its context.

3. The Body Stores Implicit Memory
Trauma can be remembered through sensation, tension, and reflex, even without clear narrative memory. Understanding may come through bodily awareness before words.

4. Safety Comes Before Processing
Rothschild emphasizes stabilization and nervous system regulation before any trauma exploration. Healing cannot happen in a state of overwhelm.

5. Arousal Regulation Is Central
Managing activation (fight/flight) and shutdown (freeze) is key to recovery. Learning to recognize and modulate arousal restores a sense of control.

6. Choice Restores Agency
Trauma removes choice; healing reintroduces it. Empowerment, not exposure is the foundation of trauma treatment.

7. The Body Can Learn Safety Again
Just as the nervous system learned threat, it can relearn calm and connection.The body’s memory is not permanent, it is plastic.

The Body Remembers is not a light read, and it isn’t meant to be. It’s a foundational text that reshaped how trauma is understood and treated, especially in somatic and trauma-informed therapy. Its strength lies in its clarity, restraint, and respect for the human nervous system.

This book is invaluable for therapists, caregivers, and thoughtful readers who want to understand trauma beyond labels and symptoms. It teaches a crucial truth: healing is not about forcing the body to forget, but helping it learn that the danger has passed.

BOOK: https://amzn.to/48W0tgt

Enjoy the audio book with FREE trial using the link above. Use the link to register on audible and start enjoying!

24/12/2025

I hope you get lots of presence
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Love is presence.
Not the loud kind that makes a show of affection, but the quiet kind that stays. The kind that notices. The kind that listens even when no words are spoken.

Real love lives in the details — in the pauses between conversations, in the way someone remembers what calms you, what triggers you, what makes you feel safe… without needing reminders. It’s in consistency. In consideration. In choosing you, not just when it’s convenient, but when it requires effort.

Love is when care feels natural, not forced.
When effort isn’t a performance, but a reflection of genuine connection.
When you don’t feel anxious, confused, or constantly guessing where you stand.

True love isn’t noisy.
It doesn’t need grand gestures to convince you.
It feels steady. Secure. Peaceful.

And if what you’re experiencing feels heavy, draining, or unclear, it may be time to pause and ask yourself honest questions — because love should feel like rest, not resistance.

If you’re ready to gain clarity, heal patterns, and learn how to experience healthy love the right way, I’m here to guide you.

👉 Click the link in my bio to book a 1-on-1 session with me.

21/12/2025

Limerence is a cul-de-sac, a dead end, that requires a You turn.

The good moments do not cancel the pattern; and the pattern is what harmed us.
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20/12/2025

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Intelligence without compassion can build systems, but not peace...

20/12/2025

You are a beautiful and unique person with strengths that deserve to be recognized and seen. 🧡

10 Ways being an overthinker is your superpower:

✔️ You’re deeply attuned and empathic to what others are feeling.

✔️ You notice subtle shifts, patterns, and unspoken cues that others miss.

✔️ You think things through carefully and consider the impact of your choices.

✔️ You take responsibility seriously and tend to follow through.

✔️ You anticipate problems before they happen and plan accordingly.

✔️ You care deeply about doing the right thing, not just the easy thing.

✔️ You love with intention, loyalty, and depth.

✔️ You have a rich inner world and strong creative capacity.

✔️ You’re able to hold nuance, complexity, and multiple perspectives at once.

✔️ You’re highly self-reflective and motivated to grow.

Yes, it’s no secret that overthinking can derail us or create more anxiety. But I don’t think we pay enough attention to the beautiful parts of us that feel and love so deeply because of our sensitivity.

You are a beautiful and unique person with strengths that deserve to be recognized and seen. ❤️

19/12/2025

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16/12/2025

For some, December can feel heavy; emotionally and financially. If this season is bringing up grief or loneliness, support is available, and there is fee relief too.
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💙 The festive season isn’t joyful for everyone 💙

For many people, this time of year can bring grief to the surface more strongly.
The absence of loved ones, whether through bereavement, estrangement, relationship breakdown, or other losses can feel especially heavy when the world around us seems focused on celebration.

If you’re noticing feelings of sadness, isolation, or feeling lost, please know that you’re not alone and that support is available.

As a way of supporting the community during what can be a particularly triggering time, Rachel Harvey Counselling is offering 50% off standard counselling fees throughout the festive period.

You deserve care, understanding, and space to talk,especially now.

📩 If you’d like to reach out or learn more, please send a message or get in touch via email or phone to discuss your needs.
MB: 0478 111 191
EM: rachelharveycounselling@outlook.com.au

Be gentle with yourself this season 💛

"You're a product of your past, not a prisoner of it. Your past doesn't have to define you." - Anonymous