21/04/2026
People outside PDA families homes have absolutely no clue how much effort parents put into trying to keep their child(ren) regulated. How much co-regulating their kid(s) need and all the different things that parents have to do just to get their kids to be at a baseline where they can participate in daily life stuff that seems so normal for other people.
There are many different accommodations out there for helping PDA kids and teens. This Floor is Lava game (rescue the stuffed animals version) is one example of how I try to accommodate my kids at home.
It's not just play. It's a LOT more than that.
And parents give a lot of themselves to make these accommodations happen.
Accommodation 1. Play
Joining them in play creates connection, it keeps them entertained, excited, they have fun, they have something to challenge their little brains, they get to use their imagination and get away from reality for a little while. Disconnect from the demands of life.
Parents spend most of their time playing with their kids. Even when they don't feel like it. Or when they don't like the game. Or when other things need to happen. PDA kids start to feel unsafe when our attention is elsewhere. So, we keep playing.
Accommodation 2. Dopamine
The rush of rescuing the stuffed animals and having fun fills their little bodies with dopamine. A natural hormone that reduces the stress levels.
Parents constantly think of ways to entertain their kids and make it exciting enough.
Accommodation 3. Autonomy
Letting them decide how they want to play, letting them decide where to put all the pillows and things, letting them choose what animals to use and where to put them. And if they don't want to participate, that's OK too. Whatever they want to do and how much they want to join, is 200% their own choice.
Parents can rarely do what they want to do and have to give up their own autonomy a lot of the time. This is especially hard when you are PDA yourself, which comes with it's own extra challenges.
Accommodation 4. Equality
During games I always let them lead. I let them tell me where to go and what to do. I always let them win. No exceptions. I'll pretend I can't reach an animal, and then when they can do it, they feel they are above me. I pretend to fall in the lava, so they can rescue me, so they feel they are above me.
Parents constantly have to be aware that placing themselves above their kids, triggers their threat response. Parents walk on egg shells a lot of the day.
Accommodation 5. Sensory experiences
PDA'ers need a lot of sensory input to help settle their nervous system. In this game they get to jump, climb and crash into the bean bags. They can cuddle the stuffed animals. And they can listen to music while they play.
Lots of PDA kids love getting messy, use their senses during play. Sand, water, ice, clay etc. it's fun. But also very messy!! PDA parents have to clean a LOT.
Accommodation 6. Strewing
I always strew myself during play. I'll pretend something doesn't work, and then get frustrated. I'll say out loud: Ugh, I can't reach the animal. My body is getting so tense. I am just going to jump to that bean bag and crash!
PDA kids learn only through experiences and watching others, without being told what to do.
Parents are modeling behaviour/regulation 24/7. If parents are aware of this, it's a great tool, but also takes a lot to do, because regulation is so different from when parents were young themselves. You have to constantly think about it and keep practicing this yourself.
(I also strewed some food in this video, did you see it?)
Accommodation 7. Humor
I'll often act silly, pretend to fall or hurt myself. It always makes the kids laugh. It lightens the mood and immediately gets them back in their thinking brain.
Keeping things light costs a lot of energy and willpower. Because when the kids do something wrong, parents have feelings too. They might feel angry, but that will escalate things. Keeping things light and using humor to redirect works incredibly well, but it takes a big mind shift and a lot of self-management to do this.
Accommodation 8. Lowering demands
I'll clean up afterwards. I put out an invitation using declarative language, but don't expect them to help me. I radiate this energy that it's OK whatever they choose to do. It's a lot of effort joining in a game like this, especially when there are sibling dynamics. So, afterwards they can just relax, have some food that I brought and probably watch some TV or something.
PDA families often live in a constant mess. PDA kids rarely help around the house and they need the parent's constant presence. Parent often clean up after the kids are in bed and get no breaks or rest.
Accommodation 9. Communication
When there are no expectations, PDA'ers feel safe. I only put out invitations through using declarative language.
"I can put this pillow there".
"I think we can start this game in 5 minutes"
"I wonder if anyone needs to use the toilet before we start"
They can respond to my statements, or not. Either way works. No pressure.
This one takes parents a lot of work. You're so used to telling kids what to do. Expecting that they want to learn from you. But it doesn't work like that. PDA kids can't be told what to do. And if they sense that you want them to do something, the pressure is on and they avoid. Putting out invitations without expectations is very tricky, especially when you are burned out. It's such a shift of parenting, it needs constant practice.
I know parents. I see you. You are doing great 🧡
I would love to hear what you do at home with your kids. Maybe you can share, so we can give other families some ideas to do at home 🧡
