Dr Carly Fay

25/05/2023

With benefits like these why aren't we all a bit more self-compassionate?

Lots of times it's because we get the wrong message about what self-compassion is. Sometimes people think it means that you end up being selfish or weak, or terrifyingly that you could be LESS productive or LESS efficient!!

Self-compassion is not soft, it's not pink, it's not fluffy and it isn't all massages or facials (sadly 🤣).

At it's core, compassion is the motivation to prevent or reduce suffering in yourself or others.

This means that we need to be committed to notice and move towards our own pain or someone else's. This takes courage. It means we also need to back ourselves, to find a sense of confidence that we can figure this out and that even if we don't immediately know what's needed, we will eventually figure this out.

To do this for others takes guts. To do this for yourself takes true grit and determination.

Whoops - that got a bit heavy!!

The good news is that you don't have learn to do this alone! And the even better news is that the benefits far outweigh all the courage and effort needed to get there!!

📸: Dr Susanne Wolf

21/05/2023

I've just arrived home after a few nights away - for me, home truly is where the heart is and that is where my family are.

But it's important to remember that there will always be an adjustment phase when family members come and go. It's not always hearts and rainbows.

Sometimes there is a burn on re-entry. For me today that was the news that 2/3 of my boys had temps and were very under the weather. But also the reality that at some point, we would have to wean them off the TV, as they'd been getting a lot more screen time than usual to try to help everyone feel ok enough and to get through. Plus, sometimes it feels like big emotions can be saved up and only let out again when mum comes home 🫠

But just because it is hard to go and sometimes hard to return, that doesn't mean that we are doing anything wrong or that we aren't loved. Distress is just a part of the adjustment phase.

Reminding ourselves of this reality, taking a big, deep, heart-space breath and remembering that this is not a crisis, I will figure this out too and I can make space for this process to unfold as we all find out equilibrium again is helpful.

Sometimes popping the tv back on can help too... 😂😂😂

📽️: Dinosaur

13/05/2023

I love this incredible summary about thoughts from .anxious.truth

I talk to a lot of people who have terrifying, intrusive thoughts or images that pop into their minds unbidden. Often these thoughts are pretty dark, incredibly scary to experience and so far away from what the person actually wants to do, that they feel disgusted or terribly frightened. Shame also often surfaces, as if this thought really represents something true or hidden about themselves ("what kind of person thinks about doing that" or "maybe I am a psychopath").

This is a particularly common occurrence for new mums. With an overwhelmed, sleep deprived brain, that is made 40% more threat sensitive and reactive (these are literal physiological changes that occur) by virtue of being the primary carer for a new born, intrusive thoughts can pop in about leaving or even harming the baby or themselves. Then devastation and shame arise - the shame causes us to conceal this terrible thought, for fear of judgement or repercussion and the cycle continues as we become more isolated and less supported.

The reality is that absolutely everyone experiences random, intrusive thoughts/images from time to time. This is often a misfiring of our threat system and is NOT a representation of what we want, BUT is actually an illustration of our greatest fears. Like our brains are trying to be helpful, shouting at us "What if? DO NOT DO THIS TERRIFYING THING ACCIDENTALLY OR ON PURPOSE".

How we respond to those thoughts matters - if we take them as a meaningful representation of what we actually want to do, then we head into a spiral of shame, disgust, self-loathing and anxiety. If we notice the thought, but compassionately see it for what it really is - a random, weird thought that isn't representative of us, but more likely what we are scared of or as an expression of our own suffering and unmet needs - then most of the time it fades away into the background and we don't even really remember having it. We can also use it as a prompt to figure out what we do need to feel safer or more connected/soothed.

Once we get into this spiral, getting ourselves out can be tricky. You don't have to do it alone. This is your gentle reminder that thoughts are not facts, even the ones that say they are 😘

11/05/2023

This is one of my all time favourite comics and I have probably referred to it in many sessions!!

I speak to many parents about the pressure that they place upon themselves to get their parenting role just right. People are usually hip to the idea that perfect parenting isn't actually good for kids and is also, quite frankly, impossible. So often my clients will think they are aiming for a realistic goal, something like "I just want to be an above average parent" or "I would like to remain calm and unruffled most of the time" (this last goal is really code for "all of the time"). But actually, both of these goals are still setting the bar pretty high!!

The other tricky part of parenting is that we all have aspects of our own experiences of being parented that we want to change. The thing that I love so much about this comic is not the idea that it is impossible to parent without our kids ending up in therapy 😂 (I mean, you get to meet some pretty rad people who are therapists there though 😘).

But, I love that it normalises the reality that perfect parenting is really, really impossible!! We are all going to try our very best to give our children the childhood we think they need - in reality, we are all going to have blind spots at times to what they actually do need.

There are certainly ways that we can improve our parenting toolkits, whether it's being more collaborative and less punitive; more able to soothe and regulate ourselves as we soothe and regulate them or fostering a more cohesive, less competitive family unit. But even when our toolkits are well stocked, we are still going to grab the wrong tool sometimes or leave the kit locked up in the shed by accident!! Making mistakes and repairing them with our kids is by far the MOST valuable part of parenting there is. It's not the ruptures that matter, it's the repair.

If we can demonstrate our own humanness and try to find a way back together when we muck it up, we are providing our kids with a far more robust and authentic view of our common humanity, and also a far more helpful view of themselves.
📸: Lunarbaboon

04/05/2023

Sometimes there is the impression in popular media that psychologists want everyone to be connected to all of the feelings and navel gazing all of the time!!

But actually, healthy emotion regulation requires us to be able to both TURN TOWARDS and TURN AWAY from emotion. We do need to be able to turn away from strong feelings to function and survive, sometimes we simply don't have the space, time or resources to fully engage with all of the feelings, all of the time - my 2 year old lives this way and it looks HARD!!!

The reason psychologists (like me) bang on about turning towards feelings so much, is because many of us have plenty of practice turning away from our inner worlds - Helloooo Netflix! This has often been reinforced over and over again culturally and intergenerationally.

Turning towards some of our feelings, some of the time does take a deliberate investment of a little time, energy and courage, but when we are able to do so, it offers us the opportunity to learn about ourselves, engage directly with what we need and stop automatically coping in ways that may have served us in the past, but no longer support us now.

This is a great little practice from therapy.anahata which can be paired with a little heart space breathing (hand over your heart and focus on breathing into and out from this warmth and contact).

30/04/2023

This may be the last post you ever see on this account as I can't figure out how to schedule posts 😂

BUT at least it's a good one - this is your reminder that your worth is not determined by others - that actually, every single one of us is born infinitely worthy.

This can be incredibly hard to feel or think about for many people, but I encourage you to picture someone you truly love and ask yourself if they have infinite worth?

If the answer is YES (spoiler alert: it totally should be 😝), then ask yourself what it was they did that gave them this worth? For many people thinking of someone they truly love, they can acknowledge that they did nothing to earn this worth - they were simply born worthy. As were you 😘

You are already enough, just as you are.

30/04/2023

Hi Instagram! I've arrived (with much encouragement) 😂

My regular clients know that I talk about moving from your comfort zone to work on expanding your life by moving into your challenge zone (but avoiding pushing so far that you hit the panic zone). Well, self-promotion and social media are firmly in my challenge zone!!

So, I'm working at my edge, trying to treat myself with a bit of kindness and breathing deep to allow myself to let go of the "what ifs?" and potential future judgements of others. I'm just popping up a post and seeing how all of this goes 😉

I'm so lucky to be able to work from the amazing rooms of the Sunshine Coast Couples Clinic in Maroochydore. I see adults and offer individual therapy on Mondays and Fridays here (or via telehealth), and work for the wonderful Madonna Hirning of the Sunshine Coast Couples Clinic on Thursdays offering Gottman Method Couples Therapy (also face to face and via telehealth).

I work from a range of treatment models in individual therapy including Compassion Focused Therapy, Schema Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy.

So if you are looking for an individual therapist, check out my website to see if you reckon I'd be a good fit for you and flick me an email/enquiry. Fair warning though: This is a photo of me that I had taken by the AMAZING Tarrynn from Square Carrot Photography. It's two years old now and no way does my hair look this sleek on a regular workday - I rock a mumbun 90% of my life!!



📸:

20/04/2023

And for something completely different, I'm now available to see couples at the Sunshine Coast Couples Clinic in Maroochydore - the same premises I currently work from!

I'm really excited to be working with the director of the clinic, Madonna Hirning, a Gottman Method Certified Couples Therapist.

Sunshine Coast Couples Clinic is excited to welcome Dr Carly Fay!!! Carly is an experienced Clinical Psychologist who has completed Levels 1 and 2 of Gottman Method Couples Therapy training and has immediate availability to see
new couples on a Thursday at our beautiful Clinic on Bradman Avenue Maroochydore.

Carly is a warm and compassionate Therapist who can help you develop healthier patterns of communication manage conflict and deepen your connection. Carly understands the challenges of raising a young family whilst balancing the demands of work and maintaining a healthy relationship. Carly also has extensive experience in cancer counselling and can assist couples facing challenges relating to cancer and serious illness.

To make a booking with Carly email admin@sccouplesclinic.com

23/03/2023

Friday feels... 😂

20/03/2023

You are already enough, just as you are. ❤️

❤️❤️❤️

18/06/2022

Our tricky human brains have evolved to be super hyper-vigilant to threats and work so hard to protect us from many possible future problems. Our brains can sometimes get bogged down in worry and imagined future scenarios. When we think about the function of this, it really is an attempt to keep ourselves safer, perhaps during uncertain or stressful times. Unfortunately, and paradoxically, worrying doesn't always make us safer in our lives, it can keep us stuck in our comfort zones (which then shrink) and it definitely makes us FEEL less safe, also perhaps less fulfilled and less happy.

So what can we do about it? Like the legends they are, Roxette has the answer "🎶🎵Listen to your heart🎵🎶"!!

One of the ways we can try to settle ourselves and step out of unhelpful worry, is by shifting our focus to our bodies - getting out of our heads and in touch with our hearts! Perhaps by grounding ourselves in the present moment with mindfulness, or by listening to our hearts (and even our gut) about what the wisest or kindest course of action might be, right now, right here in this moment. This is a big focus of the work that we do in Compassion Focused Therapy, learning how to settle our bodies, reduce the physical level of the threat response, so that we can bring our whole brains back online and step into a broader, more courageous, wiser, heartfelt perspective!!