17/11/2025
Inside the Minds of Domestic Abusers & How to Support Them
Domestic abuse is a complex behaviour that develops over timeârooted in deep emotional wounds, unprocessed trauma, distorted beliefs, and a desperate need for control. Understanding what goes on inside the mind of an abuser does not excuse the behaviour but helps professionals, support workers, and communities respond with safety, boundaries, and appropriate intervention.
Inside the Mind of a Domestic Abuser
1. A Deep Need for Control
Most abusers rely on control as a way to manage their own internal chaos.
Control may feel like safety to them. When they lose controlâemotionally, financially, or relationallyâthey may react with intimidation, manipulation, or aggression.
2. Distorted Beliefs & Learned Behaviour
Many abusers grew up in environments where:
⢠Violence was normalised
⢠Emotional expression was punished
⢠Love was conditional
They learn from childhood that power equals security, and vulnerability equals danger.
3. Poor Emotional Regulation
Abusers often struggle to regulate:
⢠Anger
⢠Jealousy
⢠Rejection
⢠Fear of abandonment
These overwhelming emotions can trigger abusive patternsâverbal, emotional, psychological, or physical.
4. Shame, Fragility & Ego Protection
Behind the aggression is often a fragile sense of self.
Abuse becomes a shield:
⢠âIf I control you, you canât leave meâ
⢠âIf I dominate you, I donât have to face my own flawsâ
⢠âIf I blame you, I never have to look at myselfâ
5. Fear of Vulnerability
To an abuser, emotional closeness can feel threatening.
They may weaponise distance, silence, criticism, or intimidation to avoid vulnerability.
6. Ownership Mindset
Some abusers see partners as âbelongingâ to them.
This is often rooted in:
⢠Cultural conditioning
⢠Insecurity
⢠Toxic masculinity
⢠Past abandonment
The partner becomes an object that must stay, obey, or comply.
How to Support Someone Who Is Abusive (Safely & Professionally)
(This section is extremely important for support workers and family members)
1. Promote Accountability, Not Excuses
Support means helping them take responsibility for:
⢠Their behaviour
⢠Their triggers
⢠Their beliefs
⢠Their impact on others
Accountability is the first step to change.
2. Encourage Professional Help
Abusers often need structured intervention:
⢠Psychologists
⢠Trauma therapists
⢠Menâs Behaviour Change Programs
⢠Anger management
⢠Addiction support
⢠Counselling
These programs teach emotional literacy, empathy, and safe behaviour.
3. Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries protect everyone involved.
Examples:
⢠âYelling is not acceptable.â
⢠âI will not engage when you are aggressive.â
⢠âYou must speak to a professional before we continue this conversation.â
Consistency is essential.
4. Model Healthy Communication
Support workers and loved ones can model:
⢠Calm tone
⢠Respectful language
⢠Emotional naming (âIt sounds like youâre feeling overwhelmedâŚâ)
⢠Conflict resolution without aggression
Abusers often never learned these skills.
5. Bring Awareness to Their Patterns
With compassionâbut without enablingâyou can reflect patterns:
⢠âWhen you feel insecure, you get angry.â
⢠âWhen you feel unheard, you raise your voice.â
⢠âWhen you fear abandonment, you become controlling.â
Gentle awareness can spark change.
6. Prioritise Victim Safety Above All
You can support an abuserâs growth, but never at the expense of someoneâs safety.
If there is risk of harm, immediate safety planning and professional services must come first.
Why Support Matters
Many abusers are deeply wounded individuals who:
⢠Fear abandonment
⢠Fear vulnerability
⢠Fear losing control
⢠Feel unheard or invalidated
⢠Feel powerless in their own lives
Change is possible, but only when they acknowledge the issue, seek help, and commit to healthy behaviours.
Support does not mean accepting abuseâit means guiding someone toward responsibility, emotional growth, and safer relationships.
