07/03/2026
"What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognised yet." — Chuck Palahniuk.
Growing up, I was valued as a go-getter, someone who worked really well under pressure. As I've reflected on this identity, I've begun to understand something about adrenaline overdrive. This surge sharpens focus and generates energy—but it's designed for short bursts, followed by quiet and rest.
The problem is, when chaos became my way of feeling alive and connected to myself, the adrenaline stopped being a tool and became a need. That external voice of acceptance—the praise for being capable, for handling it all—never became my inner voice. Instead, it turned into something that sounds perpetually dissatisfied, something that takes me to the edges of my capacity and keeps me on a slippery path.
I'm exploring these patterns as I live them. I notice how difficult it is to reduce my expectations, even when things become unstable and risky.
Even though I know conceptually about giving myself permission and celebrating what I can do, I still feel that nagging sense of "not enough." I'm learning to recognise when I'm confusing the rush of stress with genuine passion or purpose—when I'm manufacturing urgency because calm feels unfamiliar.
This is ongoing work, discerning what truly matters and how much is enough.
What did you sense in my offering? Do share in the comments.
