Yvonne Flanders Counsellor and Personal Coach

09/10/2025

One skill separates great communicators from average ones:

Perspective-taking.

The ability to see things from someone else’s point of view.

But most people do it wrong.

Here’s how to do it right, especially when you’re leading or being led:

When you’re the boss, persuading down:

You’re trying to convince Maria on your team to do something different.

She’s pushing back.

Your instinct might be to assert your authority.

But that’s a mistake.

Here’s why…

Research shows:

The more powerful you feel, the worse your perspective-taking becomes.

More power = less understanding.

So if you want to persuade Maria, don’t lean into your title.

Do the opposite: dial your power down, just briefly.

Try this:

Before the next conversation, remind yourself:

Maria has power too.
I need her buy-in.
Maybe she sees something I don’t.

Lower your feelings of power to raise your perspective.

From that place, ask:

→ What does she see that I’m missing?
→ What might be in her way?
→ What’s a win-win outcome?

That shift changes the entire dynamic.

Instead of steamrolling, you’re collaborating.

And that’s how you earn trust and results.

Now flip it.

You’re the employee persuading your boss.

It’s a high-stakes moment.

You’re nervous.

So do you appeal to emotion?

No.

Drop the feelings. Focus on interests.

Here’s the key question:

“What’s in it for them?”

Not how you feel. Not your big dream.

→ Will it save time?
→ Improve performance?
→ Help them hit their goals?

Make it about their world, not yours.

Why?

Because every boss has a mental shortcut:

→ Does this employee make my life easier or harder?

Be the person who brings clarity, ideas, and upside.

Not complaints, drama, or friction.

In summary:

→ Persuading down? Dial down your power to see clearer.
→ Persuading up? Focus on their interests, not your emotions.

Perspective-taking is a superpower, if you learn how to use it.

Now practice, practice, practice.

25/02/2025

Building resilience isn’t pretty. It’s messy, hard, and it relies on learning how to tolerate frustration.

Frustration tolerance is one of life’s most essential skills. The more we can tolerate frustration, the more we can learn, the more we can struggle, the more we can take on challenges, the more we can bounce back from failure.

I talk to parents from all around the globe and they all want the same thing for their kids - they want their kids to be gritty and to take on challenges and to not give up when things get hard! And what I want parents to know that kids aren’t inherently born with the ability to do any of these things - but they can learn the skill that enables them to do all of them.

That skill? Frustration tolerance.

And if you’re thinking about how hard it is for us, as adults, to tolerate frustration… I’m right there with you. It’s more natural to look for a quick exit from our distress or a quick rescue from our struggle or a quick “quit” around our latest challenge.

Here’s the good news: we can learn, frustration tolerance skills too! It’s never too late.

16/02/2025

15/04/2024

“You’ll stop worrying what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.”
​
– David Foster Wallace

01/04/2024

More words of wisdom from James Clear:
"I split problems into two groups: muddy puddles and leaky ceilings.
Some problems are like muddy puddles. The way to clear a muddy puddle is to leave it alone. The more you mess with it, the muddier it becomes. Many of the problems I dream up when I'm overthinking or worrying or ruminating fall into this category. Is life really falling apart or am I just in a sour mood? Is this as hard as I'm making it or do I just need to go workout? Drink some water. Go for a walk. Get some sleep. Go do something else and give the puddle time to turn clear.

Other problems are like a leaky ceiling. Ignore a small leak and it will always widen. Relationship tension that goes unaddressed. Overspending that becomes a habit. One missed workout drifting into months of inactivity. Some problems multiply when left unattended. You need to intervene now.

Are you dealing with a leak or a puddle?"

21/03/2024

Love this from James Clear

"Some people get addicted to chain-smoking their problems. They spend all day going from sorrow to sorrow. It doesn't have to be that way. You can live each day going from joy to joy—like a sunflower that turns to face the sun as it moves across the sky. It's not about having a problem-free life, but about focusing on the light. Sunflowers still have shadows, but they are always behind them."

19/12/2022

A beautiful reminder .....

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.

"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.
A.A.Milne
E.H.Shepard

Credit: I Know, I Need To Stop Talking

19/10/2022

Most of us now feel time poor, I love this post reminder

In 1956 Harry Belafonte placed a call to Coretta Scott King. With her husband arrested once again, he wanted to check in with her and see how she was doing and what the movement might need. Except they could barely carry on a conversation, because Coretta kept being pulled away from the phone to att...