02/11/2025
When I meet people and we talk about emotions, the overwhelming (albeit underlaying at times) message I get is “How do I get rid of the bad ones?”
This very question exposes the myths and misunderstandings we have about emotions and how they work, but that’s a different post.
However, if your goal is to help someone move through or “get rid” of an uncomfortable emotion, I do have a strategy for you:
When someone shows or tells you that they are in saddness, anger, fear, upset, or any uncomfy emotional state, give them the safety and permission to feel that.
That’s it. That’s the strategy.
So, when your pre-teen slams the car door and with a deathly scowl announces, they’ve had the “worst day ever.” Say, “Hey, just so you know, grumpy, frustrated humans are just as important as happy ones. You can feel mad! Sounds like a rough day.”
When your student comes into class, clearly sullen and instead of engaging in your greeting slumps in their chair, slip them a note that says, “If you want to talk, let me know. In the meantime, you don’t have to look or be happy. Sad, angry, upset, or otherwise, you’re always welcome in my class.”
When your child stands, their whole body shaking at the school gate, terrified to take the step of separation, kneel down close and say, “Hey, you get to be afraid. This thing you’re about to do, oh yes, it is SO scary. You can feel scared, that’s ok with me.”
Make a community rule : This class/family is a cheer-up free zone. Everyone gets to feel their feelings here. Unhappy people are just as valuable as happy people.
This one simple thing - open, overt permission to FEEL what’s already there, will regulate children quicker, and integrate that emotion far more effectively than any of the suppressive, avoidant, distractive methods we so often reach for.
Give them permission to feel what they are feeling. Not just when it “makes sense” or when it’s “appropriate” - but anytime they FEEL it.
Try it! Believe in it. It works.
