11/11/2025
Recoupling a Broken Dynamic:
Usually, I really look forward to sharing news of my latest professional development trainings -
the learnings, the reflections, the professional growth.
But not this time.
This time, I just can’t.
Because this one finally broke me ...
This one destroyed my faith in the myth
that attending trauma trainings automatically means trauma awareness will be present.
This one left me questioning
whether some people even know the difference
between holding power and holding people.
This one was a lesson in trauma itself -
not the kind a textbook could hold,
not the kind written in slides or sealed inside a syllabus.
It was a lesson in how what’s unspoken leaks,
how the repressed still finds its way to the surface,
and how pain denied becomes the teacher no one plans for.
Because when trauma is buried, it never disappears;
it simply behaves in unexpectedly expected ways.
I’ve seen that pattern too many times now not to recognise it.
I’ve been broken at trainings before,
so I do know to expect it -
and what to expect when it happens.
But this time was different.
What happened wasn’t expected... because this time, I did everything right.
I studied the material, built my capacity,
strengthened my regulation.
I came prepared - connected to self,
ready to participate, to learn, to enjoy.
And even in the arriving as my best self,
it still broke me.
Not because I failed,
but because the space did.
A storm filled the practice room,
pulling everything towards its centre.
Its force was excused as protection,
its weight and impact overlooked,
its intensity left unchecked.
Yet my authentic need to step out from its eye -
my effort to stay regulated, to stay true,
to name what was real and how it was impacting me -
was met not with understanding,
but with exile.
Afterwards, the silence roared louder than the storm.
I turned each moment over in my mind,
searching for what I might have done differently -
even though I already knew
there was nothing in me to fix.
The day that followed was heavy with doubt,
the kind that seeps in when truth has been mistaken for trouble.
And once the echoes finally softened,
what remained was the ache -
the ache that only comes ... when the thing you love wounds you.
When the still knowing that I had stayed true
is all that remains, even at the cost of belonging.
When the language of healing is used to disguise judgment,
and the quiet forming of opinions replaces honest dialogue.
When the unhealed wield their power like ransom,
and compliance becomes the price of completion.
When those entrusted to hold the space fairly and gently
turn their backs on the very principles they teach.
When truth-telling is mistaken for threat,
and composure is prized above courage.
When distance is favoured over understanding,
and exclusion is chosen over repair.
It takes time to find one’s ground again,
and a little longer to reclaim one’s voice.
But if there’s grace to be found in this experience, it’s this -
I now know, beyond doubt,
for when it is my time to lead.
I shall remember what it felt like to be dismissed,
so that listening and presence will answer where silence once stood.
I shall remember how avoidance deepens harm,
so that repair will always be met with courage.
I shall remember how silence can injure,
so that honesty will always have a seat at my table.
Some lessons arrive through beauty.
Others through betrayal.
Both still teach -
but only one will shape me.
And when I step forward again,
it will be with soil under my feet, voice steady, hands open,
building the kind of ground I once longed to stand on.
For others like me,
who have known what it is to be undone in the name of healing,
may this new ground be steady beneath them -
gentle, honest, unafraid -
so they, too, can learn to trust the earth again.
For others like me,
who will walk through the shadow side of healing,
may this ground remember our footsteps,
and whisper to all those who follow:
you can stand here too...
you are safe.