01/12/2025
Whilst this is a bit longer, so worth the read if you have a PDA’er!
Sometimes, equalizing behavior for PDA'ers can manifest in what I think of as “impossible demands.” This is when the child (or adult!) demands something that is largely impossible for others to provide without monumental effort. And you may even find that if you agree to make that monumental effort, it’s still not enough, and the goalposts get moved so the demand or goal remains impossible to meet.
In terms of viewing this behavior through the PDA lens of autonomy seeking, this “I want to control you/ push you/ argue with you” is considered an “equalizing behavior” in that when a PDA'er doesn’t feel good in some way internally, doesn’t feel confident in their autonomy, they will seek to more strongly control the environment and push against those around them, to balance the internal instability or powerlessness.
This can also look like someone who seems to be “looking for a fight,” or just constantly focused on complaining. “Nothing is ever good enough” can start to feel like the family norm. A PDA'er might be labeled selfish, lazy, or lacking in empathy for being so demanding, and so focused on arguing with others.
“Impossible demands,” or everyday complaining in general, provide a golden opportunity to proactively equalize and co-regulate. It has been helpful for me when I see this behavior to think of it as “actively seeking verbal co-regulation”.
This “control seeking/ “unreasonable” demands” behavior can easily turn into an escalating and flooded argument if the person they demand something of disagrees or refutes. They then get more upset and very quickly become flooded with emotion. If instead, we respond with a focus on agreeing, on seeing this conversation as an opportunity for back and forth banter that leads to a steady verbal co-regulation, maybe redirecting them to a related but slightly different topic, then they can leave such a conversation feeling satisfied and understood, rather than thwarted and frustrated, even though they are no closer to getting the “impossible thing” they demanded must happen.
Example:
6yo PDA'er: I want us to have a puppy. In the classroom.
Me (his teacher): A PUPPY, oh my goodness I do love puppies, they’re so cute.
6: yeah, we should get one, right NOW.
Me: What kind of puppies do you like?
6: only the puppy that was in that one movie, he needs to look just like that.
Me: oh cool, did he have spots or was he more like a long haired dog?
6: ummm…. He was brown and furry and cute. I want to go get him!
Me: that would be SO FUN. imagine if puppies were raining from the sky right now. Like through that air vent up there. Puppy! Puppy! Here comes another one! (Being playful like this only works if they're not bordering on “the edge of upset”, otherwise it is making light of an issue that feels serious to them.)
6: we would be buried in puppies!
Me: so many puppies.
6: why can’t we get a puppy, I want a puppy!
Me: “well, I know it’s against school rules to have a puppy in the classroom, but… hmm. What could we do to get a puppy. We could find a therapy dog to come visit. OR we could write the principal a letter telling them why a puppy would make a good classroom pet. I don’t think it would work, but we could TRY, I mean why not, right?” (The message here is, "we are on the same side.")
6: I want to go to the pet store right now
Me: you want to go to the pet store.
(I repeat a lot.. usually to stall for time and think about how else I can agree, and when I can’t think of anything to say, it keeps the rhythm of the conversation going.)
S: yes, to get a puppy
Me: OOH! I have an idea, but it’s kind of crazy, it might not work, but maybe... what if at playground we make the house a pet store? (I "level myself down" by introducing my idea in this way... because if they agree with me, we're on the same side. It's a bad idea. If they disagree with me, "no, that's a good idea" then we're still on the same side.)
Etc.
And this conversation, where I agree with them about the puppy and their desire for a puppy and how awesome puppies are, and how fun it would be, and how YES we should try to convince the school to get us a puppy, let’s write a letter! Let’s play a game about buying puppies! This conversation might last ten minutes, and it might reoccur throughout the whole day. I don't need to say "yes, let's go get a puppy!" in order for them to feel more stable, connected, satisfied, and in control. Internally they are feeling validated and “heard”, rather than shot down with a quick response like, “sorry, we can only have tadpoles and butterflies”. Such a response inevitably results in instant frustration, instant flooding.
These conversations can occur all day long with PDA'ers in times of stress, and my goal is to always see "impossible demands" as "opportunities for accomodation and co-regulation", and consistently find my way to agreement instead of using fighting words like “no, of course we can’t have a puppy” and “not right now” and “there are no dogs allowed at school, don't be silly” or “I already answered that”. Or trying to convince them butterflies are good enough, and we should be grateful for them.
Anything that disagrees or tries to change their mind, or convince them getting a puppy isn’t possible is going to activate that “I’m being pushed so I need to push back harder” PDA'er stress response. These demands/ responses/ debates are often small, and often don’t amount to much in the moment, but I believe they are real hits on a PDA'ers autonomy and sense of connection, and have an outsized impact in terms of stress. And so it’s been a goal of mine to minimize disagreement and conflict, and to really focus on accommodating the need to have frequent conversations, and to collaborate about "impossible" requests and work through their ideas.
The shift to seeing conflict and complaining as an opportunity for co-regulation and connection is a powerful one, one that increases felt safety and ongoing regulation.
Photo description: six children sitting near a golden retriever, who is lying on a classroom rug, reaching out to pet her. (This is my dog, Luna, visiting an elementary school classroom back in 2019 🥰)
