18/01/2026
On this day 15 years ago, I walked up the stairs of Bear Cottage with my Mum and my boy. Archie wasn't even close to being as unwell as he often was. But, despite that, something in me knew, this time when we left Bear Cottage, it would be without my boy in my arms.
Today starts a two and a half week emotional roller coaster to the day that Archie goes to the rainbow, followed by another two and a half week roller coaster to his birthday.
I can feel it in my body. My emotions are hightened. I'm in fight or flight mode. I am right back in that moment 15 years ago as well as living in this moment with the anticipation anxiety of the next 5 weeks.
The anticipation of his anniversary and birthday is always the worst. It is usually much worse than the actually days themselves. It is draining. Draining on all aspects of the body and soul. And this year as we approach Archies 16th Birthday and, what should be him stepping into year 10 at school, I am even more anxious of how this rollercoaster is going to pan out.
So today, I am taking a much needed rest day.
β¨οΈBed β
οΈ
β¨οΈBacio Bear β
οΈ (Bacio Bear is a teddy filled with Archie's ashes. I have slept with him every night for the last 15 years and he travels with us whenever we are away from home. When I haven't been able to take him overseas, he gets Bear-sat π₯°)
β¨οΈWeighted blanket β
οΈ
β¨οΈAussie Open β
οΈ (Arch and I spent lots of time watching tennis together. Up until that very last day. It is a hug for my soul)
β¨οΈMama Odie πββ¬β
οΈ
β¨οΈSunflower legoβ
οΈ Thankyou Aries Mum π«Άπ½ This is just what I need today π
Usually I would be stressing about how much work I need to do and what housework needs to be caught up on. But, right now, I am not even feeling an ounce of guilt. I'm so tired. This is just what is needed.
Now, if can win tonight, that would add a nice little bit of sparkle to tomorrow when this Mumma needs to step up, run a business and adult again β€οΈπ€
Here's to the next 5 weeks βπ½π’πππ»π§‘