19/04/2018
HOW TO NAVIGATE ALCOHOLISM IN A MARRIAGE
Alcohol addiction can be one of the most difficult situations a married couple could face. Living with an addicted spouse can lead to separation and divorce, and often the person struggling with addiction does not get the treatment and support they need. Ultimatums and threats do not work, and a spouse can become isolated at the very time when they need the support of their partner, and experience the compassionate presence of family, and significant others.
When a few years before a woman in her mid-50’s made an appointment for counselling, she was concerned about the impact of her husband’s drinking on his ability to function at work, on their marriage, and his relationships with their young, adult children. In the first session, she explained her husband had been drinking for 30 years, starting in his early 20’s when they first met. His wife further explained there had been numerous times when she had to call an ambulance to take him to hospital, as he would completely pass out, and she could not revive him. There were milestone moments in their years together he was not able to share with her, as he was too intoxicated to be present.
She often had to call his work on a weekday morning, when he was to hungover to go to the office or accompany him to work functions to ensure he did not embarrass himself and monitor his drinking. There were times when their children were in their adolescent years, when he would embarrass them in front of their friends at home, so the children no longer brought friends home when he was around.
She explained she was seeking support now (at the time of the session) as she felt her life was passing her by, and she had spent a lifetime caring for a drunk, making excuses for him, and now that the children were grown, she wanted out. On the other hand, she felt she had invested a great many years in this marriage, and when he was not drinking they had a good time together, and she hoped there was still an opportunity for them, if her husband stopped drinking.
My client stated her husband was willing to consider marriage counselling, however, he did not agree with the label of being an alcoholic. We discussed the clinical boundaries in working with a couple, where one party is alcohol addicted. In the next session, her husband came in on his own, and with his wife’s written consent/permission we discussed her concerns, and his thoughts about his drinking. He explained he was an executive in a large corporate company, and a big part of his role was to entertain clients during the day, and often in the evenings. He stated he was aware of his wife’s concerns but did not consider himself to be an alcoholic. The client further stated he did not drink and drive, has never lost his driver’s license, or ever been convicted of any offense alcohol related.
He did agree with his wife’s concern about losing his employment due to the degree of hangovers he experienced, and stated he did not recover as quickly now, as when he was a younger man, and this increased his absenteeism from work, which caused him embarrassment in the recent months. I considered the following questions:
❤ What concerns did he have about the possibility of losing his employment?
❤ Was he concerned about his physical and emotional health?
❤ Did he have quality relationships with those he loved?
❤ On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is very concerned, how much did it concern him?
❤ Was he willing to seek further information regarding his physical health, and possible alcohol related health problems from a medical professional?
At nearly 60, he was concerned about his heath, and willing to speak to a medical professional about his drinking habits. He made it clear he was not interested in stopping his alcohol intake, as it was part of his work environment, and over the years he did not respond well to his wife’s ultimatums.
Further exploration in counselling provided additional insights and a course of action for the client:
❤ Past influences were not necessarily the reason for his alcohol abuse/misuse.
❤ Initial drinking could have been for symptom management, and he identified anxiety symptoms.
❤ Willingness to discussed with his doctor possible symptoms of anxiety and/ or depression.
❤ Medication could be another support as discussed with his doctor.
❤ He agreed he was not in a position to take the moral high ground in his marriage, as his behavior have been poor for a very long time and had an immense impact on his wife.
❤ Recognized he needed to clean up his act before he could look at his marriage.
❤ His wife needed to lovingly detach from him, so he could see his own behavior play out, and allow him to make his own choices.
❤ As their counsellor, it was not my task to keep the client sober.
His doctor identified significant physical health concerns because of his drinking habits and did indeed assess his behavior around his alcohol intake as that of an alcoholic. To come to terms with his behavior the past 30 years, he had to arrive at a name, and for him it was the willingness to name his alcoholism. His wife withdrew her ultimatum in which she demanded he stopped drinking or else she would leave the marriage.
Through counselling she did lovingly detach from him to fulfill her own goals of stepping back into the workforce, pursue her interests, not attend any social work functions because he needed her too, but rather attend those she would enjoy without the stress of having to babysit her husband. She came to understand her role in his drinking as being co-dependent, and the fears and reasoning behind this. She could now reclaim her own life!
With the support of his doctor, and through counselling he identified his manager as a person he trusted, and we formulated a plan to approach his manager. With medical support and evidence, he discussed his serious health related concerns, and a need for leading a healthier lifestyle, to keep working at the pace he was working at and enjoy a healthier way of being in the world. My client chose not to disclose the specifics of his alcoholism and focused on the positive of changing his lifestyle. His manager and other colleagues came on board and created a plan to change the corporate culture in their organization. Gym memberships, cycling, running, and healthy eating were all incorporated which made it easier for my client to say no to alcohol.
In counselling, he developed self-awareness about his social anxiety, needing to fit in, and the false sense of security the drink in his hand provided him with. We discussed relapse, that it is common, and a natural part of the process, rather than a sign of failure. Understanding the possibility of relapse; that it did not mean he failed himself and knowing his family would be there to support him, took care of his anxiety around this possibility.
The key areas he identified regarding cues and triggers which could place him at risk of relapse were:
❤ Anxiety in attending social/work functions
❤ Social pressure to drink
❤ Celebrations; such as closing a business deal - identified this as a major trigger
❤ Boredom when at home over a weekend
❤ Sitting in front of the television
It was important to consider the ‘where, when, with whom, doing what’ of situations with my client to identify these potential cues and triggers, and measure his self-efficacy across these possible cues and triggers.
Together with the client we explored his strengths in seven (7) main areas of his life; relationships with his immediate family (wife and children), social relationships, health (emotional and physical), values and beliefs, emotional management, problem solving and work. It was important to map these strengths for the client to have a visual to work from. In mapping his strengths, I assisted the client by prompting him in certain areas, to reflect on those areas, when he answered with a ‘I don’t know’, I encouraged reflection, by staying in the here-and-now.
His insights became more reflective and honest, as he mentioned in one session his ‘I don’t know’ was often ‘I really don’t want to’. This was an important insight for my client to have for coping with possible relapse. He learnt a well-balanced life for himself meant health and leisure time, family time, alone time, personal growth, friends, work and other pleasurable activities.
After many months of working together my clients were finally able to consider their marriage. They no longer wanted to settle for being married, they wanted a sense of being alive, and being emotionally fit. They wanted to become aware of, and interested in each other, and allow each other to feel important and supported. The counselling process for them became about engaging emotionally, understanding each other’s feelings, and participating with the difficult bits. My clients learnt, and I witnessed, healing does not happen in isolation, it happens in relationship.
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Copyright © Sandra Bowden
