19/06/2022
Today marks two years since I held you in my arms for the last time and said goodbye. Watching you take a peice of me with you as you left this world for another.
The desperation that I feel daily, the longing, the ache, to have you back for even just a moment has led me to realise something i never thought possible after seeing this photo pop up in my phones memories.
I would go back to this moment again.
This moment where I sat there with you in the PICU and realised that you were not going to survive. The moment that broke me even further than watching you endure everything you had during your battle.
That one moment, where I knew I had to be your voice, one last time and tell the world that you deserved to stop fighting.
It was the hardest moment of my life, that second where I sat and actually seen you, seen what this disease had done to my sweet baby who now lay before me, the spark gone in her eyes, trapped inside a body that was shutting down and struggling in everyway possible.
Its a thought and a choice no parent even wants to imagine, even just remembering it brings me to tears and creates a physical pain inside of me but I would go back there right now if I had the chance.
Why?
Because it would mean I would have another chance to hold you, to touch your skin and smell your hair. To caress your tiny fingers in my hand and whisper in your ear. To feel your heart beating, even if I knew i was going to hear it stop.
Even though it literally breaks my heart to relive the trauma of the memory that holds our last minutes together, I would endure it over a thousand times, just to get that chance to feel those things, to feel you, one more time.
Even if it was only for a moment.
