20/04/2022
YOU DO NOT “ATTRACT” ABUSE
If we have a history of trauma, we may, through no fault of our own, be somewhat out of touch with our own intuition, our deepest truth, the Knowing in our guts. We may have been taught that we are basically inferior, flawed, wrong, bad, broken at our core, and therefore we cannot trust our own internal guidance system. We may, through no fault of our own, be drawn to narcissistic, charismatic, even manipulative and abusive beings - friends, partners, family members, spiritual teachers, therapists, leaders.
Why? Their treatment of us, and others, feels… so… familiar. They feel close, like family. Like mummy. Like daddy. We ‘know’ them. Their manipulative patterns, however harmful, are known to us, predictable, ‘safe’. Their ways feel like… home. Their control and abuse feels like… love. Or at least, what we sadly have come to expect of love.
We do not ‘attract’ abuse, no matter what the new age spiritualities and pop psychologies tells us. Abuse and violence is never our fault and we never deserve it. Nobody does.
But we may, through no fault of our own, ignore our own deepest feelings, our boundaries, our authentic yearnings, our alarm bells and red flags, our authentic doubts and discernments, and suppress that wise loving inner voice that says, “You deserve much, much better than this”. Or even, “Get Out”.
When, because of trauma, we are disconnected from our own deepest sense of self-worth and sovereignty, in some cases we may ‘allow’ others to treat us badly, overstep our boundaries, intrude and objectify. We may silence our NO. We may tolerate certain behaviours, not speak up or fight back (and I acknowledge that in some cases it is utterly impossible to fight back, and we are intelligent to keep ourselves safe in any way we can). Not because we want to be victims, or because we deserve that kind of treatment, but because we are wired to stay with the “safety” of what we know, with the familiar, with the original ‘family’, and the original ‘sin’ (mythologically speaking). Our nervous systems are literally trying to spare us from the perceived danger of change, of leaving the pack and setting off on our own. We tend to cling to what we know, even if it’s harming us.
Then, one day, we begin to wake up, and we finally listen to that inner NO, and we forge ahead towards the true safety… of the Unknown, and the Unexplored.
It takes immense courage to speak up. It takes immense courage to leave a guru, an abusive partner or family member or cult. It takes immense courage to finally honour what our guts have been telling us for so long. To listen to our deepest inner guidance. To listen to our loving inner parent, and to honour our beautiful inner child.
We do not ‘attract’ abuse. We are not, through any fault of our own, ‘manifesting’ maltreatment, or even ‘evil’, through negative vibrations or through our misaligned or wrong feelings or thoughts.
We may, however, be silencing the holy scream in our guts, the sacred rage of the inner child, the part of us that KNOWS. And therein lies our power and our healing. For whatever has been suppressed can be expressed again, and whatever has been shut down can blossom once more.
Break down some walls.
Offend some people.
Make some enemies.
Make a mess.
Speak your truth.
When you are ready.
And not a moment
before.
- Jeff Foster
