21/12/2025
Many of the fights we have in marriage are not because we married the wrong person.
They are because two unhealed childhoods moved into the same house.
What you call communication problems, disrespect, withdrawal, anger issues, “this person has changed,” are often collusion of childhood survival patterns.
Come closer...
You think you’re reacting to your spouse.
But your body is reacting to old danger.
When your partner raises their voice,
your nervous system remembers: Shouting? That meant punishment
Tone? That meant fear.
Correction? That came with shaming.
So you don’t just react randomly. You respond from survival:
You shut down (Flight). Emotionally checking out to escape danger.
You lash out (Fight). Defending yourself before you’re hurt.
You go silent (Freeze). Staying still so you’re not notice and don't cause issues.
You start apologizing (Fawn). Trying to keep peace so you’re not abandoned.
Not because your spouse is your enemy, but because your body thinks it’s back in childhood.
They are learned survival strategies from a time when your body had to protect you.
Your adult relationship didn’t create them.
It simply activated what was already there.
When your spouse withdraws, it may not be pride or wickedness.
It may be a child who learned silence keeps me safe, emotions are dangerous or that expressing myself leads to trouble.
So they retreat.
Not to hurt you. But to survive.
This is why one person chases and the other runs.
One learned:
“If I don’t pursue, I’ll be abandoned.”
The other learned:
“If I stay present, I’ll be overwhelmed or attacked.”
Same marriage. Different childhoods. Different survival languages.
Your mind says:
“He’s emotionally unavailable.”
“She’s too sensitive.”
“He’s controlling.”
“She’s dramatic.”
But your trauma body says:
“I don’t feel safe.”
“I don’t feel seen.”
“I don’t feel heard.”
“I don’t know how to stay present without losing myself.”
Marriage didn’t create these patterns.
Marriage exposed them.
Because intimacy doesn’t create wounds, it reveals them.
This is why counseling that ignores childhood stalls.
Why prayer without regulation feels frustrating, communication tools don’t stick, apologies don’t last and the same fight keeps repeating.
Ah ah! Check it, nau.
You’re not dealing with a current problem.
You’re dealing with old wiring.
And here’s the hard truth, you cannot fix a nervous system argument with logic.
You cannot heal childhood fear with adult reasoning.
You cannot love someone out of a survival pattern they’ve lived in for decades.
Healing has to happen at the root.
And that is what we focus on in our mentorship program.
This is not about blaming parents or labeling spouses.
This is about understanding that what looks like a marriage problem is often a childhood problem asking for healing.
When healing begins, tone softens, triggers lose power, reactions slow down, safety replaces suspicion, and connection replaces defense.
Not because your spouse changed overnight,
but because your body did.
If this post made you pause, breathe.
You’re not failing at marriage.
They are signs you need to heal.
Note that healing doesn’t just save marriages, it saves people.
If you want to understand your patterns,
your triggers, and how your upbringing shaped how you love, send Book For A Consultation,+26774451782 Email trustbatsholetsi@gmail.com
We are not strict with our fees these holidays as a way to encourage everyone that may not afford it,as it's holiday season.
Heal the root.
And the relationship will finally have room to breathe
